Volume No. IV, Issue No. 4                                                   April 2002

Withdrawal:  "I’m going crazy!"

I work as a writer. My brain and hands are my tools, for earning a living and for journal-writing through the challenges of being a 62-year-old single woman with intense mood swings— who cannot take medication.

I owe what serenity I have this morning, 36 days since my last slot bet, to GA, and to another writer. Mario Puzo wrote in the mid-70s, "...I had to give up gambling at a certain period in my life because I found I could no longer write if I continued gambling."

Seven years of increasingly intense binge gambling left me deep in debt—not only to credit cards, but to my brain. At first, playing slots was pure fun, the casinos a playground for a woman who never had a childhood, who spent decades taking care of other people. I began to only feel normal in the casinos. My "other" time was spent in irritability and tension. I wrote less and less.

I had quit drinking years before. That was easy. My first few days of gambling withdrawal were fine. I knew I was still in the drugged state. Then, fear kicked in. I started to notice every ache in my body, every second of heartburn or breathlessness. I became convinced I had a fatal illness.

As I moved through that fear, a worse obsession kicked in. I monitored my every thought, became terrified I was going into Alzheimer’s, or insanity. I couldn’t read, my comfort since childhood. I wanted to get compulsively busy, which has always blocked fear in the past. And, I couldn’t. I am writing a book. Time is essential. I couldn’t give it away to workaholism. I made myself go slow.

I went to my GA meeting, read the literature and couldn’t find anything about feeling crazy during withdrawal. I doubted my sanity even more. So, I walked and prayed and listened to a best friend who said, "I think you’re just in process." I trusted and lived a minute at a time. My Third Step prayers were answered.

I thank my Higher Power—who often seems like a cross between Tina Turner and George Carlin. Random phone calls came in: a sister in AA who wanted me to lead a meeting and who described the first weeks of her initial withdrawal as "neurotransmitter soup."

I called the Arizona Gambling hot-line and lucked into a wonderful counselor named Dee Dee, who said, "Honey, your brain is metabolizing overtime. You’re kicking out chemical like crazy." A local counselor listened to me for one minute and said, "You are not psychotic. You don’t have Alzheimer’s. You’re in gambling withdrawal."

I stayed clean. The worst of my terror was gone by the third week of my abstinence. Today, I feel as close to normal as I ever feel!

If any of you have just quit gambling and think you are going crazy, you’re not. Go to meetings, call sober friends, call the national or local hot-line. Re-read my experience, strength, and hope, and know that you are going sane.

Mary S., Flagstaff, AZ

I sit here wondering where to start. My mind is swirling, looking for words to explain the devastation I brought into my own life in the past 18 months.

You may think, "That’s not long; many of us have gambled for years." Yet, in this short time, I have gambled and lost an appalling amount of money. One might wonder how I have that much time to be away from home and still manage to maintain a great job, a relationship with my husband of 32 years, another small business, and family obligations.

In truth, I only managed with my mask on. Behind my mask, I lived in another world. I was living in the fantasy world of Internet gambling.

It all started when I went to a distant casino for a short outing with company. We had other places to visit, so time was limited. I used the slot machines. Placed a modest bet that paid a thousand to one. The downfall began.

Had I been alone I probably would have lost it all eventually, but we had to leave. The win delighted me, and I felt I must be a winner. Finally! I decided to try my luck on the Internet, as we had no casino close to home. Again I won, but didn’t quit.

The fantasy life began! I did not quit and eventually began chasing my losses. Using credit cards, of course. Always feeling that, eventually, I would beat the system and come out ahead. I got lost in my world. Lying about what I was doing on the computer. Gambling morning, noon and evening, and then throughout the night. I eventually became irresponsible for commitments I had made, continued lying and, of course, got deeper in debt. My demons lived under my own roof—on all of my computers—always calling for me to try again.

The compulsive gambler was hiding behind the mask, hoping that no one would find out about the addiction. Until, due to my panic, the mask slipped off. I finally told my husband that I was in financial difficulty and asked if he would mind if I got a home equity loan to repay credit card debts. We had never had a mortgage for our home.

Bailout in hand, I did repay most of the credit cards, but I couldn’t pay them all off. I had promised to quit but knew deep down that I was still lying. I jumped back into my fantasy and created more debt.

This went on for 3 more months. I was facing Christmas and the expenses that accompany the holidays. I didn’t know how to cover up the real situation, so I began to bounce checks in order to get cash any way I could for groceries and other "normal" expenses. Somehow, I made it through the season.

I gambled away my first paycheck after the holidays within hours. I felt devastated ... knew I was hopeless and worthless ... and I felt that I no longer belonged in this world. I contemplated suicide. I knew I needed help and, instead of dying, I went to a friend. She notified my husband, and I made the call to GA.

It has been difficult to dig myself out of this. The financial burden was all mine. I considered personal bankruptcy but worked it out myself another way. I attend GA meetings regularly, while my husband attends GamAnon. I live on a tight budget. And I thank God for helping me have a life again. Most of all, I work to keep the mask off while appreciating life in the reality mode.................................Sandra E., NY

Empowerment and Recovery…It Works

The simplistic view of addiction can be seen as "if one pill is good, two are better." If a few minutes of gambling feel good and make for a nice escape, then hours would be better, and days would be better still. And as soon as I win, I will ....What drives so many women to lose so much through gambling? Studies suggest many women seeking gambling treatment are abuse victims. The most common abuse reported is from alcohol-abusing male partners who "lose their tempers." Women are abused sexually, verbally, mentally and emotionally. Researchers have found in campus surveys that 1 of every 3 women has been abused.

All forms of abuse can inflict damage; put-downs from family, jokes, and teasing from friends can erode the self-esteem we all need. Scientists still study the differences between abuse sufferers who have become victims—literally, emotionally and spiritually—and those stronger, more resilient women, who grow emotionally and spiritually from their experiences.

Many women I have treated have told me very seriously that leaving the casino, river boat, machines, whatever is leaving the only "safe" place they have to go. "The only place where he can’t hit me, where no one yells at me, makes demands of me, or judges me. Here, while gambling, the staff call me by name, respectfully. They ask me what I want to drink, comp my meals and are very nice to me. I like it here."

Not gambling anymore means many action gamblers return to happier homes, to supportive families proud of the accomplishment. For many escape gamblers, not gambling anymore means a return to a house of chaos, pain, loneliness, or boredom. "Things do not get better when I stop gambling; they feel worse."

Use of an empowerment model to address their gambling and their other needs has proven far more effective for escape gamblers. Finding a secure and safe living situation could be the first priority. Finding a way to fight depression, relieve the torment of grief, or end loneliness could be essential elements to fighting an urge to gamble.

A woman can gain enough awareness to know she can choose to never be a victim again. She can become empowered enough to no longer be victimized by others or by her own fears. Gamblers imprisoned in their own mental jails can begin to plan an escape—from the self-constructed prisons resulting from fear, desperation, and a need for protection. The towering walls may keep pain out, but they keep out care and support as well.

One compulsive gambler began her recovery not by ending all her gambling, but by losing 8 pounds, then 3 more. She began to feel better about who she was, feel more energy and want something more for herself. She later decided gambling needed to go; so did her dead-end job and her "fat clothes." It took almost a year but she lives now without gambling, has a job she loves and wears a size 14. A small example, but with support, direction and commitment all our battles can be fought. Empowerment is the energy for the battle, the motivation to stick to our 6th and 7th steps, trying to change one little bit a day, no longer running away, no longer running to gambling.

Empowerment includes examining our strengths, understanding our challenges, and focusing our energy on one task at a time ... one day at a time. Ensuring the safety of one’s children and oneself comes first. Then that new job, or a new place to live may be the critical next step. By learning how to assert herself, manage stress productively, and value who she is, a woman can nurture a healthy and growing spiritual life. Eventually, she can look in the mirror and love who she sees. She will have learned to separate what she does from who she is.

Women are not just pretty in pink. Pink is the softer use of white and reds combined. We can become the artists mixing our own colors. Perhaps red today, passion, anger, excitement, commitment, dedication and a willingness to fight for what we want. On another day perhaps more white of calm, balance, spirit and the readiness to surrender the escape from our own issues, and take the battle one day at a time with the support of our peers. Women can be powerful in pink.

Dream of doing something new, share the dream with a friend and share recovery, strength and hope with each other. That is empowerment.