Volume No. VI, Issue No. 4                                          April 2004

 

Recovery Fabric

 

I   have started thinking about thread quite differently in the last year. As a child, I used thread to hem my uniform skirts, as I attended Catholic School. The sewing box contained the basic colors—black, blue, white and beige. It never dawned on me that threads actually comprise the fiber, the very essence of what each of us chooses to wear, day in and day out.

 

I learned how to use a sewing machine as a child as well. Thread became a bit more complicated then, not just the spool, but now a bobbin also. Together, these 2 strands held the cloth together. But I still didn’t have the sophistication or worldly understanding of just how important those threads were.

 

As a college student, I sheared and frayed threads; it was part of the times. After all, what were bell bottoms without frayed edges? And if I was lucky enough to have a hole in my work shirt, why on earth would I thread a needle to repair it? My peers actually made holes in their clothing; it was the style!

 

In adulthood I was happy that I knew how to thread a needle, because one of my first homes had so many windows, I needed to use thread to make curtains; buying them just wasn’t in the budget. Thread was at the core of letting just enough sun in and keeping out the cold.

 

What threads introduced gambling to the fabric of my life? A cross-country trip during college; wow, Vegas was awesome. A boyfriend in Lake Tahoe—party all night. But, until I found Atlantic City, gambling experiences were few and far between.

 

The fact that my gambling addiction took years to evolve almost normalized the activity —similar to the silkworm and the resulting fabric. And casinos sent me birthday cards and cash and provided free meals and rooms and shows. What could be wrong with that picture?

 

I found the attention, stimulation and thrill—all contained under one roof—very alluring. I could actually put the daily stressors of my life on the back burner, while I gambled the day and night away.

Infrequent trips became more frequent, and overnight visits turned into weekends. My A.C. trips progressed from once a quarter to several times a month, all under the guise of ‘taking care of myself,’ escaping the day to day monotony of my life.

 

Of course, I started experiencing the crashes—desperate and unhappy about being unable to maintain control over my choices. I wondered, "How does it all fit, anyway?" as I went through the ups and downs.

I know now that the casino became a nurturing, welcoming place for me to escape, but I never thought about the underlying thread. The ongoing fiber of my life experiences, the happiness and sadness that have made me who I am today.

 

I got desperate rather quickly. I wanted a solution, a plan to make things better, a pattern that would stop my pain. It took time and I survived the tears, shakes and desperation. I found this newsletter and the WHW Network. And I found a great therapist and told people around me what was going on.

 

When my therapist used an analogy about thread and fabric, it not only stuck with me, but has become part of my daily thoughts. So when I talk to my sisters on WHW, I truly do understand the common thread we all share.

Although it may be different in color and strength, our common thread—the knowledge that we are addicted to gambling—weaves our very essence. Our lives have brought us to this place in time, where we have the opportunity to create a patch on this quilt called recovery.

 

I am still working on what the gambling medicated. Perhaps that will be a life journey for me. I am aware today and accepting that the gambling served a purpose and led me down a very dark road, in an effort to avoid, escape and medicate. Today, I appreciate my recovery process and am thankful..................................Jo T., New York

 

Strength to Continue

 

I used to be so afraid, but I am not that afraid anymore. I belong to the WHW Network, and I know you are all out there to help ease all of my fears when I am down.

 

I left a hospital thinking that maybe I had a tumor, because I could not really understand my behavior or my obsession in wanting to destroy my life. I went to a recovery center for gamblers, where I spent 30 days of my life trying to understand why I did what I did. I did not really understand why I opted to feel pain, fear, guilt and shame, or why I preferred to be alone, crying in desperation every night, instead of choosing life as it was before my gambling started. Now that I look back, I see that I had a great life.

 

I’ve had some relapses since treatment, but on March 19^th I reached three months of abstinence from gambling. My life is in shambles right now, but I have the many friends that I made at my treatment center. And I also know GA is there, although it is difficult for me to attend—not because I do not believe in it. On the contrary, I believe wholeheartedly in GA and the 12 steps. And then there is WHW, which I have made part of my daily routine. Last but not least there is my Higher Power, which gives me the strength to continue on.

 

My family is the most important thing in my life, and I know that they love me. But I also know that they cannot stand by and watch me destroy my life. Right now, I only have the present; the past is gone and the future is yet to come..............................You are all in my prayers.  God bless, Maria Elena, Florida.

STEP EIGHT - Responsibility

The Recovery Program as a whole is about taking responsibility—resolving to and doing the necessary work to change ourselves from the person ensnared in addiction to a whole and happy person. Here in Step 8, however, we specifically assume responsibility for the harm we’ve done, to ourselves as well as others. You belong on your Step 8 list! And, as always, we want to focus on the step at hand and avoid looking ahead.

Step 8 presents us with 2 tasks: First, we make a list of all persons we have harmed; for most of us, the list is quite lengthy and looking at the harms we’ve done can be painful. It’s fairly easy to list the financial amends we owe ... well, easy to identify them anyway. But we also did a lot of harm that can’t be measured in dollars and cents.

We probably stole time—from our spouse, our children, our employer.... When we were actually where we should have been, were we ‘present in the present’? If we shared a meal with our family, were we focused on family, or were we worrying about where to find the money to cover the rubber checks we’d written, or scheming to get money to gamble again? At work, did we focus on what we were getting paid to do, or did we ‘lose time from work’ by obsessing about gambling during work hours?

Most of us also inflicted a lot of emotional and psychological harm on those close to us. A gambling addiction creates stress in the lives of family members to at least as great a degree as it stresses the gambler. The gambler’s behavior erodes the trust and security of spouse or partner, parents, children, siblings. The fallout spreads far and wide. And we apply the Recovery Steps to our whole life, not just to the gambling months, years, or decades. We also owe amends totally unrelated to gambling. Look carefully, thoroughly and honestly in an effort to make your list as complete as possible at this point in your recovery.

The second goal we strive to accomplish in Step 8 is to become willing to make amends to everyone on the list we create. We will be, not only willing, but eager to makes amends to many on the list. But our list may include names of people we are reluctant to make amends to. We may believe, rightly or wrongly, "Make amends to them? They harmed me at least as much as I harmed them!" Lots of people in recovery find names on their Step 8 list of people who actually have harmed them. We may be less willing to make amends to these people.

We need to ask ourselves, "Does the harm done to me alter the fact that I harmed someone?" It doesn’t. We need to do what is right for us—clean up our side of the street. What anyone else chooses to do about his or her side of the street is immaterial. We recover for ourselves, and making amends is a big part of recovery.

Where we are unwilling to make amends, we can seek input and help from our sponsor, fellow GA members and/or a Higher Power. The willingness will come, if we will seek it.............Betty C., Arizona

 

 With sadness, we said good-bye to our GA sister, Marlene R. fromArizona.   Marlene will be remembered in our prayers.