April 2008

Vol. X Issue No. 4 April 2008

E-mail: mslancelot@cox.net





Little by little, so subtle . . .

I'm in the midst of a progressive illness, but I like to think of it as the first day of recovery. I'm at a loss of how to make things right; how to change; how to persevere; how to get out of debt; how to find a new job; how to pay back what I've wasted; how to stop the madness; how to feel normal; how to live like a normal person. There are a million people out there with the same problem as me; some not quite there yet; some well past where I've gone. I don't want to be a self-inflicted slave anymore.

That's pretty much what being a compulsive gambler feels like. I feel like a self-inflicted slave to my uncontrollable reaction to my urge to gamble, for whatever reason or justification my brain comes up with. Sometimes it seems like it's not even a matter of thought. It just happens. And then you feel like what the f**k is wrong with me.

The picture is bleak; crying; swearing; feeling like you're going to die; hating yourself; driving home telling God that was the very last time, praying for help. Then the mind comes out of the numb, foggy pain and begins to race. Think; think; think of what to do; what am I going to do. Your mind begins to concoct stories, scenarios. You start to think about things you never in a million years would really be capable of doing, yet you entertain the thoughts anyway. Little by little, so subtle you're not really sure when it happened to you, you cross the line.

You've hit rock bottom, but if you can dig yourself out then you convince yourself you'll be okay. It may be frantically searching your closet for some money you forgot to take out of your pants or coat. Juggling money in your bank account; figuring out when that check will hit the bank. Or calling someone and making up some ridiculous story and convincing them to let you borrow some money and for sure you'll pay them back as soon as possible. But the real devastation begins when you deliberately break the law or break your own code of ethics. Things begin to unfold in your life that you thought you'd never be capable of. The moral struggle is overshadowed by the dilemma you're in. The secret life has just become incomprehensible.

I am no longer myself. I no longer have interests. It's hard to swallow food. The charade is too much to bear. Every waking hour and every sleepless hour is full of shame and worry and grief. The idea of people finding out what you've done is horrifying.

So why doesn't the cycle stop? Everything that has happened does not exist when you are gambling. It exists at home. It exists when you open the mail. It exists while you're at work. It exists the day your paycheck comes. You look at your paycheck. The amount will cover next to nothing. Your options are pay one bill out of ten, have nothing left for food or gas or necessities. And so the eternal lie of the century comes into your mind. I can take this small amount of money and turn it into ten times this. Why not? It's happened before, maybe a year ago, but still, it could happen. It might happen. There's a small chance I could fix this so before you know what's going on, you're on your way to the casino. Of course, all gamblers know we would be better off burning our paycheck and staying home.

Lisa L., U.S.A.

HELP! I need to have you ladies send in some articles for the Newsletter.
I need articles from gamblers and from counselors. Thank you, Marilyn

Jenny happens to have an unhealthy dynamic with her mother, who likes to slather on guilt about the two of them not spending enough time together. The guilt is like a slimy hook that wraps around Jenny and pulls her in. Each time it takes several days for Jenny to clean off the slime and release herself back into her blissful life. The dynamic is a huge energy drain, and although Jenny has made major strides in every other area of her life, she is stuck in this pattern, which has lasted a lifetime.

Just about everyone I’ve ever met has at least one thing that robs their inner peace and drains their energy. Often it is more than one thing, but our attention stays pretty much on the habit or relationship that is most challenging.

As a long time psychotherapist and now energy coach, I have witnessed numerous transformations. It is beautiful to watch someone unravel a formerly unconscious energetic pattern and return to their natural state of inner peace.

Identifying Draining Patterns

It’s easy to identify patterns that need transforming. They tend to happen over and over again, draining you every time. They come in the form of thoughts, behaviors, habits, and interactions with others. By definition, they undermine the natural flow of life, leaving inner turmoil, guilt and frustration in their wake.

We are designed to receive, contain and express life energy – as a vessel – or as I like to view it, a portal of peace. When life flows abundantly from the inside out we feel a deep sense of peace and well being, which extends beyond us and into the world. When draining patterns twist, block, or distort the natural flow of life, feelings of discomfort prevail.

Receiving Energy

Life or spiritual energy is the animating force of our existence. We need food to nourish our bodies, but when life decides to leave the body, no amount of food will keep us alive. It is important to take time each day to connect to your spiritual core and allow the energy to bubble up and permeate the cracks and crevices of your mind and body. Along with pure life energy infusing your body, each time you connect to your spiritual core you add a building block to a foundation or identity grounded in spirit. This strong foundation gives us the courage to withstand changes in our daily lives. In addition, intuition flows on the current of life energy and guides us toward Right Action on a moment by moment basis. Right Action is any inspired thought or behavior that is life enhancing, or which supports the natural flow of life.

Containing Energy

The next step involves containing spiritual energy, which can be as intense as it is invigorating. Being able to contain enough life energy to feel full-filled requires that your vessel have integrity – to be solid and strong without leaks and drains. Life depleting patterns compromise our ability to contain spiritual energy. We undermine the integrity of our vessel with habitual irrational thoughts, over-consuming, and by engaging in patterns that are destructive to ourselves and our relationships. Transforming your part in these patterns restores your energy system to health. From here you can passionately express your essence.

Expressing Energy

Once we develop the habit of connecting to our spiritual core daily, and build the integrity and resilience to sufficiently contain that energy, we come full circle to the point of expressing our essence into the world. Life is pro-creation: in favor of extending itself. We survive and thrive because of this basic principle. Extending your essence into the world means that you tune-in to what sets you aflame, makes your heart sing, what gives you genuine passion, and then express that gift as only you can. As we extend our essence, we nourish ourselves first and then pour light into the world nourishing it as well. Just as the flowing water from a stream feeds and greens the land on either side, our bodies are fed as we express ourselves.

(Part II of Ms. Kingsley's article will be included in the May issue of the Newsletter)

Kimberly Kingsley is an Energy Coach and author of Opening to Life: Reconnecting to Your Internal Source of Energy, Wisdom and Joy, and the forthcoming book, The Energy Cure: How to Recharge Your Life 30 Seconds at a Time (Career Press/New Page Books, January 2007). www.kimberlykingsley.com


. . . I didn’t even come home with a cake for her .

I was clean for almost 4 years, flying high thinking I will never go back to gambling. It had crippled me mentally and financially for 6 years and I was finally free. Well here I am gambling now for almost 2 years and have just about lost everything that I have worked for in the last 4 years. During my 4 years of not gambling I married a wonderful man, purchased my dream home. I have now lost my car. I’m on the verge of losing my home and I’m hiding in shame because of all the lies I have told. My daughter turned 17 last week I promised her a car, I had the money but I just wanted to chance a couple of hundred and I ended up losing it all, 6,000 dollars the last 2 weeks and that’s about average right about now . I lost every dollar I didn’t even come home with a cake for her.

Things are so bad for me right now I’m not sure what to do. How did I end up back here? I should have learned from my first go around. I ended up in trouble with the law for embezzlement. I lost my house. My first husband left me. I’m now repeating the whole disastrous cycle all over again. I can’t sleep, I ‘m a nervous wreck. I have really messed up bad and I don’t know if I can fix it this time. I need help so bad please someone help me. please help me.

Two days later this e-mail came from Brenda: I have followed your newsletter since you have started. I wrote to you back in 2001 when again my life was in a downward spiral. One day in September I was feeling like I had things under control in my life. I hopped on the freeway and there I was sitting in front of the casino. The shame followed me in there but it didn’t stop me. I never smoke or drank, gambling definitely is my drug. Gambling has turned me into the biggest liar you could ever meet. I lie to everyone and I’m so tired of it. I work a very successful job and I have borrowed from everyone. The next few weeks will prove very challenging for me. I told my family and friends my car was stolen but in fact it was repossessed. I had not paid a payment in four months because I was gambling and still trying to put up the charade that everything was fine. My husband allows me to control all of the money including his and he asks no questions. My gas is currently turned off. I told him the dryer was broken because everything else is electric. My young teenage daughter worked really hard this summer and I have taken over 500 dollars from her and gambled. I go to church every Sunday and pray that God please help me take this devil away from me, but soon as I get any money back I go trying to get the big win. I’m tired of hurting my family and hurting myself. Life has become unbearable. I have got to try to get another car with my terrible credit by next week. Marilyn it seems as gambling has licked me this time. I’m so embarrassed to go back to G.A but I know it’s what I need to do. I was hoping that someone like you can help me get from under this demon of gambling. Please help me.

One week later Brenda sent this e-mail: I plan on getting back to G.A by next week because of my car problem. I read the newsletter and only the first chapter of your book. I will talk to my husband this weekend about everything and see where it kinda goes from there. I know I can do this. I know I can. Pray for my strength and please help me make it through this. Thanks for loving someone like me

Brenda P., Michigan

Nothing made sense anymore.

I visited Las Vegas 3 times, each at different stages of being a compulsive gambler. The first time I visited, I was at the start of my addiction, going from social gambling to compulsive gambling but still having will power at times to stop and do something else. I remember when my husband went to golf, I had intentions of going to the shops to buy something nice for myself or a gift for someone back home. I would get in the lift (elevator) with no intentions of spending a cent in a machine only to find 3 hours later, I had not eaten breakfast and had no money left to buy anything to eat or drink let alone buy a gift. I really could not remember deciding to spend all my money on the machines. I think I may have thought about spending a few dollars at one point but could never understand how this always meant I had spent it all. I used my bankcard to replace the money, the card my husband did not know about and the money for the mortgage which was due to be paid on our return. I could not be seen to have no money and no gifts this would only lead to questions and he was at golf after all and had left me alone. It was his fault that I felt lonely and deserted so it was only right that I replace the money I lost with our money.
How wrong I was and this was a lesson it would take a few years for me to learn. When my husband did come back I would be angry that he was late. The real reason, was that I wanted more money from the safe and then I would wait downstairs for him so we could go to eat something. After we argued I would ask for money and say that I was going out as I had been in the room alone waiting and I wanted to go out until he had his bath. I was full of self pity and thought it was up to him to make me happy. I was able on most days to avoid playing the machines until the evening and had even been lucky with winning so I did not see the full impact of the gambling because I always found money to buy gifts and still gamble.

The second year was different. I had insured I had extra cash with me and that there was access to funds in the account back home to use when I ran short. By this time I knew I would run short quickly as I had begun to gamble back home on the machines. I hated my own company and when left alone I headed straight for the machines. I got all the shopping out of the road and made excuses when invited to go to shops and said that I didn't want to go because I didn't need anything. When I did go, I made sure my hubby paid so I had extra money to gamble. On this trip, I didn't worry about the money I was using and told myself I would worry about it when I got home. This time I didn't blame my husband for leaving me alone but I blamed him for me not having enough money. I didn't eat when I was alone, I just sat at machine after machine in different casinos until I was skint (no money left-broke). Only when I was skint did I realize I hadn't eaten or drank anything and then I'd have another migraine. I could never understand how I ended up skint. Nothing made sense anymore.

My third year was very different. I was now in GA and in recovery. My first port of call was to find out where meetings were being held. My husband went to golf and I went to the mall and bought a few pressies (presents) for my grandson and then headed off to a meeting. Yes, I was scared and didn't know where I was going or who I would meet but I had faith that I would meet people who would help me while I was on a holiday. I was right. In the 10 days we were there, I went to about 5 meetings and enjoyed every second of them. I was able to walk by a machine as I had a mental defense to protect me from them. I had a desire to stop gambling and the tools to do this. When my husband came back from golf he was worried as I was not waiting on him like a spoiled child who had no imagination of how to entertain myself. I was either at a mall or a meeting. I would go for breakfast, lunch and dinner alone. I still did not like eating alone so I bought a magazine and read while eating. I loved the holiday and we never fought once. I could not believe the difference. I had changed and my life had changed along with it.

Sharon in Scotland

Gripped by Gambling.
I have a new website www.grippedbygambling.com with information about my book. The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com, and on-line books stores or directly from the publisher, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3, It may be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking the book.
Marilyn Lancelot , AZ mslancelot@cox.net

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