Volume No. I, Issue No. 8                                            August 1999

. . . UNTIL I FOUND THE JOURNAL.

After 4 years, my alcoholic partner solemnly announced that she was sober. I was completely delighted. What a tribute to my steadfast devotion. My love had conquered her addiction. I had never felt more successful and spent the next two years believing I was the happiest woman on earth...until I found the journal.

I didn't understand it. I read on. "...casino...$30,000...lost...devastated...Harrah's...."Gambling? I read it over and over, placed it face down on the kitchen counter, and waited for her to come home. "Sweetie, I wanted to ask you something," I said.

It was not an ambush. I believed with all my heart that she was about to offer a perfectly logical, rational, explanation. I couldn't imagine what she would say, but I had complete confidence that everything would be back to normal by the time the rice was ready. I presented the journal, and said in my most casual, non-accusatory tone, "What is this?"

She looked up at me through a long tormented sob and began a litany of every major lie she had told me. Every last second of the past two years--indeed, the best two years of my life--had been a sham.

I couldn't tell you exactly what she said, but each word fell like an assault, each sentence a rape, every lie a betrayal. Lie by lie, I listened to my life's revision. Dumbfounded, I tried to speak but could only stand in silence. The silence shattered as she turned to me with the final bit of information. "...and you'll be further upset to know that I've been drinking all the while."

Off I went, over the edge. The gambling, the debt, even the lies somehow hadn't yet registered. But her sobriety was my symbol of success! Wh en that turned out to be the final lie, everything came into crystal clarity, and it hurt like hell. Her tears, apologies, and promises meant nothing. I was looking into the eyes of a total stranger. I saw nothing left of her to love, and I had nothing to lose.

For the first time, I couldn't have cared less what she thought, how she felt, or what she would do. Further, I realized deep down in my soul that I had not the slightest bit of power over what she thought, how she felt, or what she would do. I found I was able to ask: What do I think? How do I feel? What will I do? I didn't realize it at that moment, but I had just taken Step One of my own recovery program.---------Denise D. (Carol's partner)

1ST IN A SERIES OF 3 ARTICLES
 

Sponsorship appears throughout our GA literature, from passing references to in-depth discussions. The frequency with which it is addressed demonstrates its importance in the Program. Sponsorship entails responsibilities, and it provides rewards.

In addition to GA's books, I developed my understanding of what a sponsor does through literature from other 12-Step programs and talks with my sponsors. We can "take what we want, and leave the rest" from therapy at meetings, and, of course, readers can do the same with my ideas on sponsorship!
I have a responsibility to listen. By the time a compulsive gambler comes to GA, she has usually beaten herself down to ground level. She needs to verbalize her self-destruction, and nobody understands like another compulsive gambler. If a woman can tell her story at a meeting, GREAT. Not everybody can. And a meeting may not be the appropriate place to talk about other issues she has. Conflicts or stress on the job, family problems, old wounds that have never healed or even been acknowledged--all these can be triggers; if a member doesn't drag problems out into the daylight, look at them and devise constructive ways to cope, she may go back out. I believe that NOTHING serves better than writing in dredging up what we've been avoiding. So I need to encourage a sponsoree to write as she works her program. Writing can be "painful," but the benefits are worth it. Not only is writing self-revealing, but putting events, thought processes, or destructive behavior patterns on paper makes them real. Writing helps break through the wall of denial we all constructed.

Of course, I must encourage women I sponsor to go to meetings. They don't call it "therapy" for nuthin'! One meeting per week might be enough for some people, but I believe someone new to the program literally needs to go to "as many meetings as possible." She will learn a lot about the disease, about herself and about techniques for staying abstinent. That the meetings will fill some of the time she suddenly finds on her hands is a collateral benefit.
One of my most important responsibilities as a sponsor requires that I help a sponsoree work the Steps. Working the Program involves many things besides going to meetings, and the foundation of the Program is the Steps. How can someone know how to work the Steps without some guidance? And how can I guide another in working the Steps if I haven't worked them myself? This brings me to the second aspect of sponsorship: rewards.
Sponsorship gave me an early and unanticipated reward: "a kick in the pants" that forced me to get back to business. When one of my sponsorees neared completion of Step 4, I realized I had to get going! How could I help her with Steps 6 and 7? I hadn't done them myself! So I got back on track. I know now that all the Steps produce satisfying rewards, and I'm happy that my work with women I sponsor keeps the entire Program in the forefront of my mind. On the whole, I've found sponsorship to be a mutually beneficial relationship!

A profoundly simple principle underlies the 12-Step method of recovery--helping others. Many times I've heard someone say, "You get out of it what you put into it." That's not precisely true. What I have put into the Program, including my work as a sponsor, has been returned at least 10-fold! ...........................Betty C.

PLEASE SAY A PRAYER

My name is JB, a compulsive gambler who started gambling more than three years ago. My kids and I did it for entertainment. We visited the casinos and enjoyed a nice dinner and gambled just a little. One time while we were traveling, we stopped at a casino and my daughter won some money. She didn't keep on playing; she said, "Let's go," which meant she wasn't going to spend her winnings. I didn't understand how she could stop.

Living alone I soon began driving the 90 miles to the casino by myself. My children were all grown and doing their own thing. Being widowed and raising five kids, this is--I guess--my way of enjoying myself. No worries, no kids, and no responsibilities except to myself.

In the beginning I didn't win, and I remember a worker at one casino saying, "You have to put two or more quarters in the machine to win." So I did that and I won. But my winnings went back into the machine time and time again. I would get this terrible urge and keep playing until I ran out of money. Later, while driving home crying, I promised myself never to play again. There was so much pain--my whole body was in pain. The next day, I would feel like I had a hangover from drinking the night before. Hating myself for doing this horrible thing, I was off to the casino as soon as I had some extra money.

Right now, I am so in debt with credit cards, pawn shops, and loans, I wonder what will happen to me. I am seeing a counselor once a week and try to read literature on compulsive gambling. I live about 160 miles from a GA meeting, and the only contact I have with GA members is through the mail or over the phone. Months ago I made an attempt to start a GA meeting in my area. The first week there were two of us and three came the second week. But the following four weeks, I made the coffee and waited and no one came. The longest abstinence time I have put together is two weeks. I read my Bible study books and pray to God to help me with my addiction. But I am so ashamed and feel stupid because I ask God for help over and over. And I know I am the one who has to make the changes in my life.

Tonight on TV they announced that there's a need for funds from the casinos to help compulsive gamblers. You people in larger areas are very fortunate to have so many meetings to attend. Please say a prayer and think about me and others like me. ............................Love, JB