Volume No. III, Issue No.8                                                August  2001

"SEVEN the GA Way"

In September of this year I will celebrate 7 years free from gambling. Seven used to be my lucky number on the crap table—whenever I took a break from my first love, poker. In the 20-odd years I gambled, 15 of those years compulsively, I managed to lose my homes, cars, all monies, friends, family and self-respect. With all this, living in a 2nd-hand rattle trap car my Mother bought for me, I was still looking for a buy-in. Still spouting off to anyone left in my coterie of friends that I was happy in my life. I was the big-shot professional gambler who had fallen on hard times. And I believed it.

It took my present husband's threats of desertion to get me to a GA meeting in Pleasant Hill, CA. That Thursday night in my 4-day poker stupor I heard 6 men tell their stories. I chose Dan B. as my sponsor and took one day at a time.

I have rebuilt my life and now live on Cape Cod in a home I never thought I would have again. GA saved my life, and I will be eternally grateful to all of you, as well as to my dear husband who got me to that 1st meeting.

I will never regain the years I lost or be able to make amends to the people who passed away before I came into GA; but I remain grounded in the present and continue to work my program and attend meetings. God bless you all.............................................Bunny K., MA

                       Learning to Love the Woman in the Mirror

Ernie Larsen's thoughts on self-esteem in "Stage II Recovery" have helped me greatly in my recovery. Larsen states that "behind every addiction is an issue of self-esteem," and "a primary result of all addictions is the loss of self-esteem."

I know now I had issues of low self-esteem before gambling; my gambling mutated my feelings to total disdain for myself. Although Larsen's thoughts are not new to many reading this, I wanted to share how being in a program of recovery has changed my feelings of disdain for myself to feelings of love.

Gambling to medicate life issues, I first entered GA 6 years ago. I disliked myself so much that when we passed around a mirror at a meeting and shared what we saw, I couldn't stand looking at myself. I saw a worn, unlovable person.

For the next couple of years, I wasn't secure enough to use the phone list or attend any other meeting. I would abstain from gambling, "white-knuckling" it through the week until the next meeting. I would sit down in my chair, breathing a sigh of relief. I was safe for the next 2 hours. Safe from the turmoil in my life in the unconditional love of my brothers and sisters.

"White-knuckling" was not enough, however, and I returned to the casino. During the week, my "pressure cooker life" would explode, and the casino was the place I could go and medicate. Although my returns to the casino were devastating, I felt safe enough to return to my Sunday meeting. My sisters and brothers were saddened to see the devastation of my relapses, but they continued to tell me that they would keep loving me until I could love myself.

Once I tried going to a different meeting. The members laughed so much there that my poor self-esteem led me to believe I didn't belong there because I couldn't relate to their love. I hadn't yet learned how to love myself. I returned to my one meeting a week where I felt safe. With the help of my friends in the Program and my Higher Power, I finally surrendered. For those 2 ½ years I was told I was loved. I finally believed it, and decided I loved myself just enough to stop the abuse. I no longer needed to "white-knuckle" it. I began using the phone list. Before, I was afraid I would interrupt someone from dinner. Finally, I decided I was worth it. I was a high-maintenance phone caller for the next year as I started making some changes in my life.

Eventually, I started using the phone list to see how my friends were doing; a whole new world opened up. I began attending other meetings and became a room secretary. As I met more beautiful people, I began to love myself more. Or perhaps because I loved myself more I was able to see the beauty in more people.

I haven't gambled in nearly four years. Thanks to the Program, I finally learned to love myself enough to start on a beautiful journey of recovery. Do I still have self-esteem issues? Yes, but I have learned from the Program how to recognize and deal with them.

Being loved unconditionally, as this program practices, definitely recharges my feeling of self-worth. The face I see in the mirror now is one of a beautiful, resilient, and loving person.............................Betty M., AZ

                  

The first step indicates the necessity of admitting our powerlessness over gambling. I wanted to stop gambling, and stay stopped. I wouldn't be here in Gamblers Anonymous if I had any control over my gambling. So I believed I was powerless and that my life had become total chaos.

Because I didn't understand problem gambling, I believed my life was unmanageable because of the money I had lost, not because I had a gambling problem. GA members told me that if I could admit and accept the Step One, I could stay away from gambling and then begin to work a program.

For 7 years, all I had done was gamble, lie, and manipulate people. My addiction had become an escape from problems—either real or problems I had created in my mind. I knew I must stop gambling before I could clear my thinking. If a small thread of doubt about the need to stop gambling remained in my head, I knew I would go back to it. So I replaced my gambling with meetings and after a few weeks, I began working on Step One with my sponsor.

I had now admitted, accepted, and become ready for some action towards recovery. My thinking began to change. Instead of questioning, I began to believe; instead of believing I had willpower, I became convinced I had no power over my addiction; and instead of being dishonest with myself, I became honest and willing. Once I surrendered my control issues, the first step became easier for me to understand. My sponsor suggested I write, write, and then write some more. Members told me to write the answers to the 20 questions, in detail, and put them in 2 columns, one with the heading POWERLESSNESS and the other headed UNMANAGEABILITY. Then I would decide where the answer—i.e. "I kited checks countless times;" "I ‘borrowed' from petty cash ..."—would be written. It became easier the more I wrote, and the more I wrote the more convinced I became that although I had a problem, I could find a way to stop gambling.

I learned to listen to other members and to trust them. I moved from a denial stage into an awareness which allowed me to apply the principles of the program to my own life. My sponsor told me that the steps were the foundation of my recovery, and if I built a strong foundation and removed the defenses that blocked my recovery, I would not need to go back to gambling.

I learned that I didn't have to gamble to relax or forget. I stopped deluding myself that I "deserved" the trip to the casinos because I had worked so hard all week. I confronted the fact that I was hurting others, not just myself. The members told me that if I did a thorough Step One, the rest of the steps would be easier to work through. All these things I learned in the GA program.

Writing about the gambling brought back painful memories, and after I had the ugly truth on paper, I had to temporarily let go and concentrate on today. I had to stop projecting into the future and exaggerating situations around me. Writing about these situations helped me to release my guilt, remorse, and fears and develop honesty and awareness. It would now be my choice to either stop gambling or continue on that painful journey. The decision was clearly mine. I knew that if I put as much effort into working the program as I had put into gambling, I would find serenity and put some structure back into my life. And it has worked, One Day at a Time...............Marilyn L., AZ