Volume No. IV, Issue No. 8                                               August  2002

REARED ITS UGLY HEAD

I just saw a story on NJN public television, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see groups of women gamblers getting together to help one another in their recovery. Although GA has literally been a lifesaver for me, the fact that I was usually the only woman in my meetings made it more difficult than it had to be.

The local council here does not sanction women-only groups, falling back on the GA guidelines that say "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling," so men cannot be excluded from meetings. Although there are a few brave and hardy souls who have taken that absurd attitude on, it is still very tough to fight.

I have seen many women, who are just not comfortable in a room full of men, come and go. And they also feel, as the woman in the story did, that their addiction is not taken seriously because they are "only" slot players. Nothing could be more ridiculous. I had no trouble whatsoever with the notion that losing everything a woman had worked for her entire life and going to jail for tax fraud and embezzlement was a real problem!

I live in New Jersey and have been in and out of recovery since 8/94. My most recent relapse was in 7/00, so I just celebrated 2 years and feel stronger and more determined than ever. My gambling was directly tied to my problems with chronic, major depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

It was the gambling and what it was doing to me that got me into serious treatment for those issues, so I suppose that, in a very twisted sense, it was a "good" thing.

My addiction reared its ugly head very quickly. I started in March ‘94 at a 5 dollar blackjack table on a trip to Atlantic City for my son's 21st birthday. By August, I was the "queen of the casino." I played with the "big boys," at the high limit tables, with a casino line of credit.

I, of course, had studied all the books about blackjack techniques and knew all the basic and advanced strategies like a pro. People would always comment on what a "great" player I was, even when I was losing my fancy dress and high-heeled pumps.

The pit bosses, dealers, maitre d's and wait staff at the restaurants all knew me by name. Why shouldn't they? I was there every weekend, getting "comped" with suites, meals, the works, and tipping like a Saudi prince. Then it happened....

I was driving home at 5 Monday morning from yet another losing weekend, having gambled all night trying to win back my losses. Fried from lack of sleep, I had no business behind the wheel. I started crying and suddenly thinking that it would be a nifty thing if I turned my car into an embankment at 90 mph. (The woman on TV considered swerving into a truck, and that really hit home with me.)

When I got home, I collapsed in exhaustion. I woke up 10 hours later, and the first thing I thought about was getting back in my car and driving back to AC! That's when I called 1-800-gambler.

Though I am deeply in debt, I am one of the very lucky ones. I managed not to put my home at risk and got help before I did anything illegal. I know, however, that I am only one bet away from doing those things, so I work really hard at not betting on anything, ever. For awhile, I was deeply depressed at not being able to do the thing that I "enjoyed" so much.

Then my therapist hit me with, "Yes, it is true that you can never gamble again. That is one of an unlimited numbers of things which can give you pleasure. Go do all those other things that gambling made you lose time from."

I will always have an addictive personality; I know that. I also know this illness will never go away. Sometimes I allow that thought to make me feel "defective" and weak. Most of the time, though, it makes me feel as strong as Wonder Woman, because I know that, even if it will always be there, it can't beat me unless I let it.

Christine P., NJ

Although my problem seems small compared to some problems described in things I’ve read, I want to keep the image/thought that this is a HUGE problem for me!

I am extremely aware that I am definitely an "escape" gambler, yet I have no one to be "co-dependent" with! I have never borrowed money from an individual to gamble, or lied, etc.

I have used credit cards too many times; I have spent far too many hours gambling, from my perspective, in order to escape the lonely place of being a single woman in my 50s. As I once read, "Eyes begin to slide off of you."

I teach adults and when I quoted that in Spanish to a middle-aged student, she immediately responded, "En muchos manores," which probably needs no translation, but—just in case—means, "In many ways.

I can’t help but notice that so many of the people I see in the casinos are 50-something women, alone. This "late onset"* idea, I believe, is exactly about feeling that no one really focuses on us anymore. Oh, maybe on a "baby sitter" or "teacher" or "chief cook and bottle washer," but not on us , Our Persons, not on a Woman.

There is some indefinable something about that feeling of having lost our individuality to some stereotypical idea in others’ minds that draws us to the mindless activity of slots. Well, I want to get past this, triumph over it! And I believe communicating with other women with the problem will help me...............................Anne M., Tennessee

* For an informative presentation on action/escape or early-onset/late-onset gamblers, go to: azccg.org

 

STEP 5 - INTEGRITY

We addressed Step 4 of the GA Recovery Program last month. It seems only natural to quickly follow up with Step 5.... When you have completed Step 4, I believe it’s a good idea to follow up with Step 5 more or less immediately.

Step 5 can be as gut-wrenching as Step 4 is for most of us! First, we’re going to revisit all that stuff we just confronted about ourselves and our interactions with others. Why anticipate the discomfort any longer than necessary? Secondly, sharing our complete inventory with another human being requires a degree of honesty we haven’t practiced in a long time ... or perhaps have never commanded. In the throes of our addiction, most of us became really good at "rationalizing.

Allowed time, we may start rationalizing excuses for not sharing this item or that transgression. Anything we don’t "unload" in Step 5 will continue to corrode, eating away at our self-esteem, serenity and spirituality. Remember, we’re as sick as the secrets we keep.

Finally, we don’t want to lose our "momentum." When we decide to embrace the GA Recovery Program as an integral tool in our personal recovery, we choose to "Follow the steps in [our] daily affairs" for the rest of our lives. (Combo Book, 17) Tackling the next step as soon as we’re ready provides excellent training for "staying in the Steps." And that’s the way of life the Program recommends.

WHO? Experiencing a healthy, positive Step 5 depends on coming up with the right answer to that question. A few obvious qualities in a Step 5 partner present themselves. We need someone who will not judge us. Someone who can and will provide honest, productive feedback when it’s called for. We need to be confident that we are doing our Step 5 with someone who will respect the complete confidentiality of what passes between us. And that’s a 2-way street.

Her sponsor seems the natural choice for a Step 5 partner to many 12-steppers, but doing the 5^th Step with one’s sponsor is not a requirement. Other possibilities include a friend, a therapist or a member of the clergy. The qualities mentioned above and any others you believe necessary are far more important than whatever "label" that person wears in your life. I strongly recommend that you not choose someone who figures in your inventory.

 

Step 5 probably won’t take nearly as much time as Step 4 did! Make sure, though, that you allow a big enough block of time. Occasionally, a Step 5 may require a 2^nd session; if it does you and your partner need to schedule it as soon as possible.

 

Choose a setting in which both of you will be at ease. And do whatever it takes to ensure that you won’t be interrupted! Unplug the phone. Turn the cell phone off! Farm the kids out to their grandparents for the weekend. Whatever it takes!

 

Look to those creature comforts before you get started. You may want to adjust the lighting, put some soothing music on, set up a healthy snack. Brew some chamomile tea .... You get the idea. Taking Step 5 is one of the best things you will ever do for yourself. Do it up right! ..............................................Betty C., AZ