I am a recovering addicted, compulsive gambler. I am 50 years old, separated from my husband and at one point almost isolated from my three children, who are now all adults.
As I know today, I have wasted the past 5 years of my life gambling. I started gambling heavily when I moved from California to Colorado in 2000. Like so many others, my first bet was for a few dollars; then by the time I hit rock bottom, I placed hundred dollar bills into a slot machine with no remorse of losing–until I was on that lonely ride home wondering how I could get more money to come back. Even though I won sometimes, I look back now and know I was a loser the whole time I was gambling.
Tonight I am busy packing up what I have left of my "material stuff." In a few days I will be moving into a room in my parents’ home. They have opened their home to me in hopes of helping me financially. I am blessed by my Higher Power to have these two very important people in my life. I have gambled away all of my retirement savings, accumulated since 1988. I have a big bill with the IRS. I went down the bankruptcy road in 2002. I have loans ... from refinancing my previously paid-off car to those good ol’ payday loan places on every street corner of the city. I owe money to more than half of my relatives–near and far–from borrowing to feed my addiction.
A few days from now I will be 60 days free from placing my last bet. I came into GA the day after I made my last bet, and I have not been back to any type of gambling since then. GA has made my recovery a guiding light to fighting this addition. At this point of my recovery I attend 3 meetings a week and do not hesitate to attend more when time permits. I love the rooms I go to and the support from each of them.
I have been in Arizona for 2 years and before I came to GA I had no friends. In just the past 2 months I have had the opportunity to make friends, whom I know–by my choice and theirs–will be friends for life. Today I can look back at how my life was these past 5 years, and I do not want to go back to that "way of life." For today, I have not placed a bet, and I pray tomorrow I will wake up and not want to go back to that way of life, ever again. Thank you GA for all of your help and support. Kathie H., Arizona
Recovery Fits
A newcomer recently stated that she didn't think G.A. would be a good fit for her. I reflected on that statement and realized that if I had kept searching for something to "fit me" I would still be gambling. My attempts to stop gambling "my way" certainly didn't work. Everything in my life was a mess. Gambling and thoughts of gambling controlled every waking moment. I hated my life. Something had to change.
I'm the one who had to change, not G.A., not my therapist, not my doctor. But in order to change, I first had to stop gambling long enough for my head to begin to clear of my addictive thinking. I had to gain some clarity about the reality of my life. I had to learn to make sound decisions with the advice of people who were in better mental and emotional shape than I was.
I didn't like every single thing about G.A. when I became a member in 1997, but it offered me a recipe for living that, if followed, will keep me away from gambling and set me on the path to a better way of thinking and living. Moreover, some (most) of the people in G.A. are the most caring, loving, compassionate, intelligent people I have ever known. They loved me when I didn't love myself.
I am my worst enemy. G.A. helps me to recognize that and do something to change it.
I've been involved in online recovery since 1998 and it is an invaluable part of my recovery program. The problem with online recovery is that I can lie, pretend, and continue to hide my true self. That doesn't help me or the people who would like to help me.
The problem with 12-step meetings is that they are attended by imperfect human beings with personality quirks I may not like. However, they offer something online recovery can't offer. Real hugs. Eye-to-eye contact, which makes it more difficult to lie. Real 3-D people who have more time in recovery and can offer face-to-face suggestions.
You see, the biggest challenge I have is being rigorously honest. Lying was second nature to me. For so many years, I lied to people, including myself, in order to avoid conflict, pain, and fear. I didn’t have the guts to do anything about the pain in my life, and gambling was a way to avoid it. G.A. has taught me that it's OK to admit I've lied and it's OK to tell the truth. G.A. has taught me that I can have the life I want. It's not going to be handed to me on a silver platter, though. I have to work for it. But it's a heck of a lot better than settling for less, and then running to gamble because I hate what I've settled for and I hate myself for settling.
G.A. fits me just fine today. Thanks for letting me share. Toni M., SC
Defining Recovery, Part 2
by Joanna Franklin, MS NCGC II
Joanna Franklin and other gambling treatment professionals discovered some 25 years ago that the Gamblers Anonymous meetings of that era simply couldn’t help many women into recovery from compulsive gambling. This knowledge prompted them to develop new treatment solutions.
When I was introduced to a different kind of client, I found something new I could try that turned out to be very helpful. I just listened to what she was saying to me. Many of these women clients were abuse survivors and very uncomfortable around males, because they were reminded of the abuse. They did not enjoy meetings; they did not relate or identify with the men at those meetings; and they did not get anything helpful from the efforts the men made to help them with recovery.
We counselors learned that recovery is defined by each individual who is searching for her or his very own road. Some recovering problem gamblers take a road less traveled that does not include going to G.A. For many there just isn't any G.A. in their area, or they cannot get to the local meetings for a variety of reasons.
As a counselor I have learned not to define for my clients how they should live their lives. My job isn’t to tell them how to recover, but rather to help them find their own way to their own goals. I have learned to be open minded enough to accept with care and respect every woman's efforts to heal and recover as she sees fit. My role is to help.
So many folks use G.A., finding everything they need there to do very well. G.A. members are a gift and a blessing for the others who come into the program and learn how to recover using those great 12 steps A.A. pioneered. But many do not use those meetings. Sometimes they use different meetings, sometimes no meetings. But they can still recover. Oh yes, they can absolutely still recover.
The research calls it natural recovery. They find their road and set their goals. Some see their counselors, perhaps return to school, get more active in their church, join a survivors group, a grief group or just read more and talk to friends and family.
The best lesson 25 years of treating gamblers has taught me is that there is no one definition of recovery. Recovery is discovery of what a woman wants to be, what she does not want to be, and the glory and power and joy we all have in us when we find and embrace change, not as a goal but as a process. Turns out there are dozens of ways to take 12 steps, hundreds of words for recovery and as many roads as there are women to walk them.
Today, I am much less arrogant about thinking I know what is best for everyone. Turns out each of us has in our hearts all our own answers and the right way to go on the right road. We are not all mothers and not all of us should be. We do not all have jobs outside of the home and not all of us should.
We do not all go to churches, temple or services; we do not all wear the same size; we do not all have loving partners, or understanding families or forgiving friends. But we can all have recovery, and we can have it our way–with GA or not, with a counselor or not, with a Higher Power or not–but we do it one day at a time.
For many, perhaps, recovery is being happy and safe, or sober and sane, at peace, solvent, loving and loved, or forgiving and forgiven, as the prayer says. One day at a time for all the rest of our days, we define recovery for ourselves and share with each other to encourage the search, work and discovery of each individual’s personal recovery.
Thanks, Joanna