Volume No. I, Issue No. 9                                     December 20, 1999

Women and the Holiday

Several weeks ago, we asked our readers to describe the differences between their Holidays when they were gambling and their Holidays today in recovery. We are happy to forward these messages to you. And this special time of the year is a great time to express our gratitude to all those who have contributed articles and donated money towards printing and postage costs. And a big thank you for the encouraging feedback from our far-flung readership!

Marilyn and Betty.

You can't do it for me, but I can't do it without you.

For the Holidays this year I have money to do what I want for others and for myself. I don't dread the holidays because I'm broke or depressed about money. I also don't need to use my credit cards for stuff and then spend most of the next year trying to pay them off. I also enjoy the whole season so much better since I'm not concerned with gambling or getting money to gamble. Plus, my whole attitude about life is so much better, and I feel so much closer to God. I can enjoy what Christmas is all about without all the extra stress from my addiction. This is now a special time of the year I can enjoy with others and for myself. Life is so much better without gambling to distract from the joy of the season. .............Love, Carol S. Arizona

Christmases spent gambling compulsively created a blur of guilt and resentment. Guilt of time wasted, lies told, and gift dollars fed to machines. Resentment that the holiday interfered with the compulsive routine of "when can I get to the casino next?" Resentment of family wanting to spend time with me, valuable time I wanted to spend gambling. Guilt piled on top of resentment. Twenty months of abstinence later, peace prevails. The gift of time with my granddaughters brings joyful memories; the treasure of time allows creative gifts of love and contentment to unfold. My mind sees decorations for my home, anticipates writing honest notes in cards, and looks forward to baking candy and cookies and spending a day making that posole' recipe. The peace and joy of Christmas has returned. I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler.

Bobbie S. - New Mexico

This will be the first holiday season in which I have not gambled. I have been "clean" for about 100 days now. I still sometimes feel as though there is something missing in my life; habits are hard to break. With most of my immediate family living at a distance, it is hard to get into the holiday spirit; I guess that is why it was so easy to "escape" to the casino. This year I am going to stay clean and look for other ways to fill that void. One way is by focusing on how I can help other compulsive gamblers in my community. And I will be helping one of my great mentors celebrate his 3 year birthday. He and others have helped me understand what this disease has done to my thinking. They still help me find my way to my "higher power" and a more productive life. This year will be the hardest, as all "firsts" are, but with the love and prayers of all my brothers and sisters I will be fine. Thank you all for being there and God bless you all. Have a wonderful holiday season and you will be in my thoughts during this time. Together we can celebrate this great beginning.

Emily D. - Arizona

Hanukkah has always been for the kids with us. We do not even exchange gifts. But I can tell you Hanukkah is a lot more serene now. We light the candles and say the prayers, and we really mean them now. Hope all is well with you. Love and hugs ................................Shirley S. Tennessee

I don't get extremely depressed around the holidays as I did, say, this same time last year. My husband and I spent our holidays separated because, at the time, it was better that way. I had basically ruined a great and happy family holiday, with our Arizona and Nevada families together, by gambling instead. As a result, my husband decided to go into a full-blown alcoholic binge weekend--so much so that he nearly ended up in jail for being drunk in public and causing a public nuisance of himself too!!!   But now I sincerely enjoy my holidays with my family, my parents, sisters and their families, as well as my husband and daughter. I pray everyday that nothing will ever be so bad that my Higher Power and I can't get through it together on a daily basis. ...........................................Karen O. - Nevada

While gambling, I didn't know one day from another. If Christ had come and gathered his "sheep," I would have missed it, as long as there was a casino left. I embraced casinos in my pain and misery. The "Holidays" meant nothing. I meant nothing. The rest of the world meant nothing. I spent all my energies running to the pit, creating more misery for myself. Needless to say, God had a different plan. And today, I am so grateful that He did! I wake today not cursing because I am alive; rather, I give thanks for the gift of my life. I laugh far more than I cry. I am not planning my suicide while shriveling my soul and wasting away my body in perpetual want and need; rather, I am loving myself, my God, life, others and my journey of recovery. I am celebrating the gifts of miracles and blessings bestowed upon me by a loving and nurturing God, one day at a time. Today, I know happiness, acceptance, willingness, awareness, honesty, open-mindedness, and gratitude. Serenity, love, and continued progress are all mine if I want them. And I do. This Christmas will be the first that I can remember not being bound. May we all celebrate our freedoms, humbly, gratefully and joyously, for "this is a day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." And may God continue to bless us all in His grace and abundance. Happy Holidays to all of you, from me, a grateful recovering compulsive gambler. You are all in my prayers.

Lora L. - Arizona

The Christmas season is so different since I have been in recovery; I can now shop early! Before I came to GA, I had to wait until the 24th so my checks wouldn't bounce before Christmas. My gifts are smaller sometimes, but they are paid for. And I don't return gifts I receive to get the money for more gambling. But most of all, I appreciate my family and friends more; I am more open with them. I can sleep better, eat better and feel better about myself. There's no self-loathing and self-pity anymore.

Thank God for GA and thank the friends of GA; without them, I might not be here to celebrate another Christmas. GA was the best gift I ever received and helped me to give back to my family the wife, mother, sister and daughter they thought they had lost. But, more importantly, GA gave ME back to ME. Merry Christmas to all and may we continue to carry these loving feelings throughout the coming year. ...........................Vicki L. South Carolina

I've tried to remember the Holidays over the 14-year period I gambled compulsively, but I can remember only a few. I guess I've just blocked them out because they were too painful to remember. During those years, I lived miles away from my children and family, blamed my spouse for me not being "home" for Christmas, and wallowed in self-pity and resentment. I spent one Christmas Day in a bar playing dice games and video keno. I remember a few Holidays at my in-laws' home, keeping busy in the kitchen; but all the while restless and anxious and wishing the festivities would end, so I could go home, see my spouse comfortably settled in front of the TV, and then head for the casino. I considered that my Christmas present to myself.

This Christmas my son and daughter-in-law will be with me. This Christmas I will honor the "reason for the season" --the birth of Jesus Christ. This Christmas Day, I will chair the regular Saturday afternoon GA Step Study meeting in Solvang, CA, and give thanks for the new life I've been given through the GA Program. Love and Happy Holidays!! ............................................Toni W. - California

 

My holidays are much different now in that I am thinking of a lot of things other than gambling and have a lot of better things to do with my mind and my time. I feel I have a better attitude toward everyone and everything, thanks to the GA program. Again, thanks to all of the wonderful friends I have met in the program, I feel I have progressed in my life and am now a more positive person with a more positive outlook and very happy to be alive. Love you lots.............Your GA sister, Sandra G. - Arizona