~ THE BLAME GAME ~

The devil made me do it! He must have… How else could I explain my ungodly behaviors?

Okay, okay! So it wasn’t the devil…

It was my mother!!! That’s right! It’s all her fault! She never paid enough attention to me. Stupid brother and sister hogged all the attention! Come to think of it… it must be their fault too! And then there’s my father. He was as mean as the day was long, and he worked far too much. Surely that had something to do with it!

Drugs… fried too many brain cells. Again… not my fault. I was a teenager after all, just needing to escape my unbearable teenage reality. Hard to make the right decisions as an adult when your teenaged brain got so messed up.

Oh woe is me!

Oh! Oh! I know! It was the abusive boyfriend. Must have jarred something loose while he was floggin’ my noggin!

Sexual abuse. (Pervy jerk… hope he rots in hell!) Surely that experience warped my mind. Sent me right down the path of addiction…

Then again… Maybe not. Maybe God just made one big whopper of a mistake when he made me.

Actually, I just figured it out. Seriously. It’s in my genes. (No, not my denims!) I’m adopted, so that would certainly explain things… Surely my birth mother is a raving lunatic. And there’s no doubt that my birth father is off his rocker! At the very least, one of them must be a compulsive gambler! What a relief!

Any way you slice it… IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!

If it were someone else’s fault, I’d have had no reason to dig within myself and get to the root of the problem. Sure it might have eased my conscience, at least temporarily, but then what? Why would I have bothered to do a moral inventory of myself (Step 4), or admitted to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs (Step 5)? Come to think of it, why on earth would I have bothered to mount that blessed staircase that is the twelve steps of recovery in the first place??? Good golly, if it were someone else’s fault, I could have simply hopped off my merry-go-round of gambling madness to land in a nice, cool quagmire of self-pity! Ahhhhhhh…

The only way for me to begin the healing process was for me to admit that I was powerless over gambling – that my life had become unmanageable (Step 1), and NOT TO PLAY THE BLAME GAME. I came to this realization while seated before a Psychologist who could not have been more eager to engage me in a round of – you guessed it - The Blame Game. “It was your daddy’s fault – after all, he encouraged you to be a tomboy! A daredevil! No little girl less than four feet tall should be encouraged to jump off a high diving board! And then to be paid for it! Good gravy! Obviously your wee, fragile psyche went sailing over the edge too, poor thing! You didn’t stand a chance! You were set up straight from the get go to become a compulsive gambler! Well now, would you look at me! I’ve figured it all out in five minutes! Weeeeeeeeeee!”

Apparently my Psychologist needed a Psychologist. And I needed Gamblers Anonymous. I needed to own my mistakes and learn how to make amends. I needed to fess up and smarten up. I needed to surround myself with other recovering compulsive gamblers and I needed to get ‘right’ with God. I needed to climb those twelve steps of recovery. Blaming my behaviors on my family or an abusive boyfriend or anyone or anything else would have availed me nothing. I might have managed to ‘white knuckle it’, to abstain from gambling without true recovery, but inevitably I would have either hopped back onto that old familiar merry-go-round of madness or found a brand new one. Thank God the voice of my intuition was louder (and more credible) than that of the Psychologist. Guess from time to time they really do hand out licenses in Cracker Jacks’ boxes… Yikes! (Since this little fiasco, I have had the privilege of receiving counsel from an extremely competent therapist; there are many good ones and I highly recommend this avenue of treatment in addition to a 12-step program – just check credentials and/or get a referral!)

And so my journey began. I made a few near fatal errors early on in my program, but God is good and he helped me to get right back up and carry on. I learned the hard way that not everyone in GA is there for the right reasons. But I found myself a Sponsor - a really great gal named Cindy S., who is definitely there for the right reasons, and, with her support and encouragement, was able to put one foot in front of the other and land on Step One.

The rest is history… I walked through the door to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting on July 1, 2000, and I have not placed a bet since. The program works if you work it. It is not magic. It does not magically cure people of their addiction. I had to work hard to get to where I am today. I had to climb those twelve steps of recovery not once, not twice, but continuously, and I will be climbing them over and over for the rest of my life. The journey doesn’t end. Get rid of one character defect… there’s always another waiting to take its place! Life is filled with a constant bombardment of challenges, disappointments and utterly unfair experiences, but GA provides the addict with tools to cope. Without these tools, surely I would have succumbed to life’s difficulties and fled back into addiction.

GA has taught me many, many things. To name just a few, I’ve learned how to be accountable for my actions, how to take personal inventory and when I’m wrong, promptly admit it, how to set healthy boundaries to protect myself, how to be honest and apply the twelve steps of recovery to every aspect of my life, and, last but not least… how to enjoy life again. GA has given me my dignity back. It has given me a second ‘chance’ at life, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful to my Sponsor, and I am grateful to the fellowship. I am also grateful to my family and friends, who have been such a brilliant light at the end of this long and trying tunnel. And for all of these things, I am grateful to God.

RECOVERY ROCKS!
GOD IS AMAZING!
THE GA DOOR IS A PORTAL TO FREEDOM!
THE TWELVE STEPS ARE A STAIRCASE TO SERENITY!
“GA” STANDS FOR GUARDIAN ANGEL!

I hope you find your Door. And beyond that door, may you find the strength and courage to begin your own ascent of those twelve blessed steps… The door is a portal to freedom! Just reach out and twist that knob! Put one foot in front of the other! Cross that threshold! If I can do it, so can you!

- Your sister, Joan S., Alberta Canada

 

Joan is the author of "A Place Where Weeds & Roses Grow." Check it out at the left-hand side of your screen under "Suggested Reading"...

HELP!     I need to have you ladies send in some articles for the Newsletter.

 I need articles from gamblers and from counselors.  Thank you,  Marilyn

 

 

                   Check out the new links on the left side of the Newsletter!  

                                          Great information!

  

    

A REQUEST FROM ENGLAND     

 

      Roslyn Corney, Professor of Psychology
      University of Greenwich
      Bronte Hall, Avery Hill Road London SE9 2UG, UK.
      Telephone +44 (0)208 331 8926
       Fax       +44 (0)208 331 8905   E-mail   r.h.corney@gre.ac.uk

I am conducting research on women who gamble on the internet, their experiences, stories and the impact on their lives. My main focus is to talk to women from the U.K (the study is funded by the Responsibility in Gambling Trust, a U.K. charity).  I am a researcher in the Department of Psychology and Counselling, University of Greenwich.   
If any woman would be interested in talking to me, either by email or by telephone, could they email me at R.H.Corney@gre.ac.uk.   All details will be kept totally confidential. I will write a report (but without names or identifying characteristics) which will be made available to the government and other interested groups.  Participants can also receive a copy if they wish.
 
I do hope women will take part.  I am having difficulty recruiting participants but it is so important that womens’ views and experiences are heard.  

Thanking you in advance,

 

Roslyn Corney

 .  .  I can't think of when I started . . .

Marilyn, I'm crying as I write this, I am so ashamed of myself for getting myself in this mess. I have been searching the internet and came across your book and will get it. Your story gave me some hope, I've been gambling for several years (it's odd how I can't think of when I started, again that denial working well) but the past two years have been a descent into hell, I've probably spent well over a 100 thousand dollars, I owed 130,000 on my house that I bought after a bitter divorce, now I owe 200,000 on it and have racked up about 27,000 in credit card debt, also. This is my first month of not making my house payment. I've gotten short term payday loans and all sorts of other strategies to try to juggle my debt and continue to exist. I went to my first GA meeting last week, and I have hopes for that. I've thought of suicide, but I have two grown children, one is living with me, and I have a son who knows my situation and is furious with me - he is working in Japan and has given me some money but is fed up with me, and I can understand that, certainly I'm disgusted with myself. But suicide seems like the final selfish act, and I can't add that to my long list of regrets.

I guess I'm pouring my heart out to you because I was moved by the interviews that I read that you gave and your unstinting honesty. I hope like you, I can survive this. I still have my job, and so far have done nothing illegal, only my kids and now the GA group know of my addiction, although I'm sure a few of my friends suspect something is amiss, since I've isolated myself pretty much. I don't know if you will get this or actually read it, but I just felt the need to reach out to someone who might understand this great despair. I'm about a week free of gambling and am committed to go to the GA meetings, even if I lose my house, I won't lose my soul, as I feel I have lost so much of the person I was before this started. As you probably know, from all the women you have spoke with, I started to escape, to not feel, the awfulness of my loveless marriage. But obviously that wasn't it, because it got much worse in the 2 years I have been divorced. I can't understand, and maybe I don't need to, how something like this can make you abandon all reason and risk everything in your life. All I know is that I want to stop. Your story and honesty and humility touched me more than I can say. Thanks for your support. I am praying to my higher power that I can find the strength that you found. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind response.

Ann in Oregon

 . . the most treatable untreated illness in our society . . .

 'Addiction at root of problem' is the title of an LTE in the 9/9 Calgary Herald that deals with a New National body that aims to educate the public. In this letter Raju Hajela says: "A massive effort is needed for not only public education, but also appropriate training of care providers that remains inadequate at present, together with assessment and treatment services. Addiction remains the most treatable untreated illness in our society that is the biggest contributor to mental health problems in individuals, their family members and communities across Canada."
 

One of our readers forwarded me some information about Mirapex, a product for people with restless legs syndrome and at the end of the ad there was a warning:  "Should you experience gambling, drinking or any other intense urges, call your doctor immediately."  Mirapex is also taken for Parkinson's Disease.

If you are taking this drug, heed the warning.

. . .  I was gambling to “relax” . . .   

I am writing to give you a message of hope. Today, I am clean 5 months. I cannot believe how my life has changed since I made the choice to not gamble anymore! Here are 5 things that have changed in my life, and reasons I choose not to gamble anymore.

• I FEEL HEALTHY. Once I gambled until every ounce of my energy was gone. I put my mind and body through the ringer every time I gambled, first anxious and excited, then the adrenaline rush of winning, or the goal of winning, then the guilt and depression on the ride home and for the next days. At the time I said I was gambling to “relax”. This was anything BUT relaxing.

• I DON’T NEED MONEY. I once carried lots of money in my purse and had it stashed everywhere, always waiting for my next opportunity to gamble. Now all I ever need is my meeting donation ($1) and money for an occasional snack. I don’t worry about how much money is in my purse anymore, because I don’t need it!

• I HAVE GAINED RESPECT of my fellow GA members, friends and family. I participate in meetings, I temp-sponsor. I go to work on time. I don’t lie to people anymore (because I’ve got nothing to lie about). My family can count on me. I didn’t have to work at these things; they are simply a product of my recovery.

• I AM LEARINING ABOUT MYSELF. Once I started my recovery I began a road of discovery that may never end. I am learning why I do things, what my triggers are, and most importantly, how to live a normal, happy life.

• I LOVE MYSELF AGAIN. I am happy. When I was gambling I was depressed, and I thought I was making myself feel better by relieving “pressure” through gambling. I have learned that my gambling was a major cause in my depression. It was like the chicken and the egg. I gambled because I felt depressed, and was depressed because I gambled. Now that I have some clean time I am coming out of a “fog” and can see my gambling didn’t fix anything, it only made me unhappy.

I plan to continue my recovery one day at a time (or a moment at a time if need be). I wish all of you continued recovery. Make the choice to stop gambling for good! Go to meetings as often as possible – the more meetings you attend the sooner you will feel better. Thank you all for your continued support!

Rachel S. – Cudahy, WI

Gripped by Gambling.  

I have a new website  www.grippedbygambling.com with information about my book. The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com, and on-line books stores or directly from the publisher, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3,  It may be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking the book.

Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

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