Volume No. II, Issue No. 2                                           February 2000

 

THE BEST IS YET TO COME

 

My name is Lynne H., a grateful compulsive gambler, in recovery and bet free for over 21 years. I will never forget my last gambling binge. It was Thanksgiving time, and I gambled continuously for 7 days--no change of clothing and no shower. I chose to gamble rather than have dinner with my daughters. They always knew where I was.

I experienced my first gambling episode November 30, l952, first night of my honeymoon spent at the tables. I learned to play blackjack from my husband at the time. I had credit for the first time in my life and also had markers.

The only vacations we had were in Las Vegas or some other gambling resort. When my daughters were thirteen and fourteen, we took them to Las Vegas for the first time. I dressed them up fancy, playing like the proud parent; I gave them $10.00 each to play the slot machines. Now, we were free to gamble. This was my life for many years.

I got divorced about 22 years ago, and my gambling accelerated. My children were in college and I was free to do whatever I wanted. Guess what? I gambled compulsively-- until I came to GA November, 23, l978.

I gambled on the 23rd, so I count my days from the 24th. My GA birthday is in November, and my natal birthday is in November also. In my heart I feel I was reborn. Vince my sponsor, from the first night, directed me. I followed direction for the first time in my life. Gamblers Anonymous saved my life.

When I had 90 days, I was asked to chair my first meeting. This was such an honor. I learned early from Vince that service is healing. The first year I went to a meeting daily. My life changed. I give service and I'm there for the newcomer. I followed Vince, did what he did. I was a Secretary, a Trustee, and on the Board of Regents. I love myself today. It feels good to tell my story in print. GOD BLESS GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!! ...........................Lynne H., California

               

Step one: We admitted we were powerless over gambling--that our lives had become unmanageable.

 

I haven't gambled now for 15 months. Prior to that, I enjoyed 14 months of absti nence, until that awful day in November of '98 when I had what I hope will be my final relapse. GA did a lot to help me stop gambling and start living again, and my personal experience tells me hope exists for anyone who really wants to quit.

But before I stopped, I spent several years as a desperate, depressed, steadily worsening compulsive gambler who turned from gambling to GA and back more times than I'd care to count. And what amazes me most about those years is how determinedly I resisted Step One of the Recovery Program. Though I had mountains of evidence that I was powerless over my gambling, I wasted precious years imagining I could learn to control it.

Time after time, I'd race to the casino, hit the slots and squander my money like it was so much confetti. As the disease progressed it became acceptable to me to lose progressively larger amounts. Over and over, I'd win as much as $2,000, then continue gambling until I'd lost it all, plus another $1,000 or more. But much worse, I was giving my life over--body and soul--to a machine. Yet I still thought that somehow I'd be able to find a way to exercise restraint and gamble "normally."

Throughout those years of insanity, I kept returning to the delusion that I could control my gambling by making a "rule" before going to the casino. The rule might be, "This time, if I lose $200, that's it, I'm leaving." Or, "If I win $500, I'll go home." I made and broke my favorite countless times: "I'll only stay for an hour and then I'm leaving--winning, losing or breaking even."

Of course, once I entered the casino, "Rules are made to be broken" became my mantra. Even those rare occasions when I abided by my "rule du jour" served only to reinforce my delusion that I could control my gambling. Bolstered by false confidence, I'd return to the casino as soon as possible and gamble like the out-of-control maniac that I was, throwing all rules, self-control and self-respect to the wind.

As the yellow Combo Book says on page 13, "Once a person has crossed the line into irresponsible, uncontrolled gambling, he or she never seems to regain control." I wish I had taken the last paragraph on page 2 to heart when I first began to realize I had a problem.

If gambling is causing a growing number of problems in your life, I hope you won't put yourself through what I did, futilely attempting to turn back time and regain control. It's a sad shame to throw away years of your life holding onto a lie. Believe me, you can't go back. But you can quit. And you can learn to live again...........Sandy D., AZ

     CLINICAL CORNER

"Thoughtful choices"--As she becomes powerless over gambling, the compulsive gambler spends all available time and money on gambling. Gambling and getting money with which to gamble consume her thoughts. As the disease of pathological gambling progresses, the gambler loses the ability to make choices. Friends, family and other activities gradually take a back-seat or perhaps are lost permanently, and the gambler crosses the line into lying, or even illegal activity, believing she has no other choice. At this point, the gambler often feels worthless and experiences tremendous shame as she tells herself she is "just no good."

Surrender to powerlessness presents one of the great paradoxes of recovery, for it empowers the gambler to make healthy choices. In a sense, choices in life represent points on a map, as forks in the road confront the recovering gambler many times a day. The choices she makes at each juncture determine how she experiences life along the next leg of her journey.

Some choices are gambling-related. For example, "At coffee with friends after a meeting, do I join in talk about past gambling experiences and risk triggering a gambling episode within the next few days? Or do I either excuse myself and go to another table or confront my friends about their conversational topic?" From the perspective of the recovering gambler, choices fall roughly into three categories: (1) supportive of recovery; (2) neutral to recovery or (3) detrimental to recovery.

Oftentimes, certain choices become so habitual that the individual is unaware of having made a choice. Many gamblers who relapse report their cars "automatically drove to the casino." Likewise, psychologists write about "automatic thoughts," referring to thoughts so fleeting that the individual reports only feelings and lacks awareness that every emotion is generated by a thought. Because thoughts precede both behaviors and emotions, it is important to realize that we have choices about what we think; in fact, the first step in making healthy choices requires increasing our awareness that we do have a choice.

Keeping a Thought Record provides an excellent way to increase awareness of our choices and add flexibility to our thinking. When you encounter an emotionally distressing situation, write a brief description of it. Then record the feelings you have in response to that situation. Next, take each feeling and try to identify what thoughts generated it. For example, imagine you have been asked to speak before a large group (distressing situation), and in response you feel fear. When you identify the thoughts behind the fears, you come up with "I will never be able to do it" or "They will laugh at me." Now think of different thoughts such as "I can practice and give a reasonably good speech," or "The topic is likely to interest the audience," and see what new feelings the new thoughts generate.

Try doing the Thought Record exercise once or twice a week for the next month, and then journal each time about what you discover. Did you get in touch with the excitement of choosing your own thoughts? Do you feel and/or behave differently as a result of what you learned? Did you catch yourself thinking in ways which are detrimental to your recovery? Recording what you discovered can help you make choices supportive of your recovery.

Katherine K. Wilson, Ph.D., NCGS

SPOTTY HUMOR

One day two friends ran into each other in the school parking lot. Kay swallowed her pride and asked, "Sue, can you loan me a hundred dollars, so I can buy groceries?" Sue replied, "I'm sorry, Kay, I just can't." Kay tried again. "Please, Sue. You know I hate to ask, but the kids, and Jim for that matter, won't have lunches for the rest of the week if I can't buy groceries." Distressed, but adamant, Sue said, "Kay, you know I can't loan you a hundred dollars. You're a compulsive gambler; you'll just gamble the money away!" Sensing victory, Kay responded. "No! No, I won't!" Reaching into her purse, Kay triumphantly pulled out a bill. "I've got a hundred dollars to gamble with! I just need grocery money."