Volume No. VI, Issue No. 2                                         February 2004

KEEP COMING BACK

 

I am a wife, mother and grandmother, and I work a part-time job. I am also a compulsive gambler who has been in recovery for 13 ½ years. When I went to my first meeting, it was all men, and I was very uncomfortable.

I truly felt that we had nothing in common and doubted that we had very much to talk about. I wanted so bad to walk right back out the door.

I had to save my marriage, and the only way that was going to happen was by getting help. (At least, that was how my husband looked at it.) Those men in the meeting made me just as angry as my husband did.

I was told that I was ill and needed help. The only thing that was wrong with me was the fact that I had run out of money to gamble with! For quite awhile that is what I truly believed. DENIAL!

I continued to attend meetings, not because I believed I was a compulsive gambler, but because I overheard one member telling another, "She won’t come back; they [women] never do."

Well, I showed them. I went week after week. No one was going to think that they knew me, especially a man. I’m grateful today for overhearing that conversation, because that was where I got my strength.

I continue to go to that same meeting, and it is nice to see the women coming in and staying. I always believed that if I stayed committed long enough, when another woman entered the room, she would never have to be the only woman.

I also started a women’s meeting. As much as we have the gambling addiction in common with the men, we also have a lot of issues that men and women don’t share.

I work as a peer counselor at a treatment center, and I love my job! Today, I am the only woman peer counselor in N.Y. state.

Guess what? I keep coming back. Thank you so much for the newsletter; it makes great therapy at the women’s meeting and the website is terrific.

It is nice to hear from women in far-flung places. I just hope they know that hope and support and love are there, if they keep coming back.

My life was hell when I gambled, and I will never forget it; I really do appreciate the new member bringing me back to that hell through her therapy. That message reinforces the help I need to keep my abstinence. Thanks for letting me share a little bit about me........................Yours in fellowship, Joyce B., NY

    A PRACTICAL PROBLEM-SOLVING PARTNERSHIP

    Joanna Franklin, MS, NCGC II

 

 A Common Problem

"If you really loved us you’d stop." "It’s because I love you that I tried again and again." "But you promised you’d never do it again." "How can I trust someone who lies to me all the time?" "How can I love someone I can’t trust?" These statements and questions soar to the highest reaches in prayers to heaven and to the lowest reaches of curses to the devil. Often in as much if not more pain than the gambler herself, family members who do not understand the power of a gambling addiction send their prayers out in frustration, fear, helplessness and desperation.

 

It has long been observed in gambling treatment circles that women who present for care often come alone. Men who present for care often have their wives, girlfriends or at least good ol’ Mom there to help and be supportive. Where are the husbands and boyfriends? Well, some do appear, but few get involved with groups like GamAnon or stay involved in couples or family therapy.

 

Let’s take a look at the emotional solar system. John Grey’s book Men Are from Mars; Women Are from Venus is a popular window to some of the differences between the sexes. Some of these differences we know to be real, a function of how male vs. female brains just happen to work.

 

The shorthand version describes the male mind as often focused on problem solving: how to get from here to there, how to fix it, how to get more, how to resolve.... The female mind often focuses first on relationship, feelings, understanding, then on the nurturing, supportive stuff we are famous for. One comedian famous for his "caveman" show explains, "When a woman says she’ll call, she means tomorrow; when a guy says he’ll call, he means before he dies."

 

Women and men just seem to operate differently, to view the universe from different perspectives and with different priorities. Males are known to be hierarchical, or vertical, thinkers; they look at issues as problems and try to solve them from the top down. Women are horizontal, or network, thinkers; we judge issues as they relate to relationships, needs, perceptions and such.

 

To the male partner of a female gambler, the gambling behavior is "out of order" and needs to be fixed. And, of course, things that cannot be fixed should be discarded. How many relationships have been destroyed or thrown away because those in the middle, suffering and struggling, couldn’t find a way to fix it? A great many I’m sure.

Many of the male partners of female gamblers truly get stuck trying to understand this out-of-control behavior. Early efforts to "fix it" include demanding the gambling stop and believing promises of "I’ll never do it again," until the next time it happens. Fruitless efforts result from not understanding that a real disorder is at work.

 

Unlike any other kind of addiction, the gambling disorder cannot be seen from the outside. It is invisible. All the loved one sees is the behavior, and behavior judged as an expression of intention and priorities is often seen as willful and intentional. Unfortunately, the judgments made are fed by misunderstanding, ignorance and assumptions.

Education and motivation are two of the keys to a successful family intervention. Family members need to understand what the gambling disorder IS and what it IS NOT. Blame offers little help, and loved ones are encouraged to focus on the gambler taking responsibility for her actions, not taking blame. Guilt is a poor motivator, often leading to resentment and bitterness.

 

Support, tolerance, understanding, limits and structure serve all parties far better, as they struggle to cope with a complicated impulse control disorder. Left untreated, gambling problems often lead to disruption and devastation.

 

Possible Solutions

With help from a self-help group like Gamblers Anonymous and/or counseling help from a knowledgeable gambling counselor, problem gamblers can prepare and work a recovery program that includes relationships, as well as mental health issues and finances. A loving relationship "infected" by addiction sustains much damage. But treatment options are growing for couples and families struggling with these issues. Once very hard to find, today’s gambling counselors are well-versed in the best ways to help family members, with or without the gambler participating in the care program.

 

As many experts in the field acknowledge, gambling is a family problem, and the family needs access to care. The majority of state-funded programs offer such assistance, though not all. Those without clinical care available lean heavily on GamAnon to provide education and support to loved ones willing to attend meetings. Many male family members of problem gamblers share two problems: Compared to AlAnon, few GamAnon meetings can be found and few men attend on a regular basis.

 

What can the woman problem gambler do? Don’t give up. Try all the resources you can find to encourage your loved ones to understand the day-to-day battle with a gambling disorder. Videos, books and brochures provide resources for all and you can find a partial national listing of certified gambling counselors at ProblemGambling.com

 

Some of the better books on the topic include: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial from GamAnon; Losing Your Shirt by Mary Heineman, and Behind the Eightball, by MaryEllen Siegal and Linda Berman. A treatment manual by Joe Ciarrocchi called Counseling the Problem Gambler: A Self-Regulation Manual for Individual and Family Therapy includes a wonderful chapter on working with couples and gambling problems.

I have always encouraged the couples and families I have worked with to not see the gambler as the enemy, but rather to join with their loved one to fight the real enemy—problem gambling. Make it he and she (or she and she or he and he) against the gambling, not against each other. As Dr. Ciarrocchi teaches, focus on the "it" of gambling not on the person. Tear down the power of a gambling disorder, don’t tear down the person with the disorder.

Women with gambling problems are served better, perhaps, by helping their male partners see what they are trying to accomplish, so they can ask for help. "How do we keep my money away from me? How can I become more accountable for my time?" A good problem solver can contribute to a recovery program in many ways, if energy is directed towards building rather tearing down.

 

Non-gamblers need support too. They need to understand that the problem gambling is not their fault and that they cannot directly control it. But they can enjoy quality recovery with the gambler, if they commit to it. Don’t hesitate to ask for help; call the local helpline and let them know what you are looking for; take advantage of any assistance that may be helpful. And treat recovery like any lifetime project. One step at a time, one day at a time, turn to those you trust to begin the long journey the only way any of us can, with the first step.