Publisher:  Marilyn Lancelot   

Vol. X  Issue No. 2    February 2008        

       E-mail:     mslancelot@cox.net
    
                   
 
   . . . the reasons I have worked so hard to change my life. . .

Hi everyone! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Just wanted to give everyone a quick update on 2007 and how it is so much better than I ever thought it could be. For those of you who don’t know, I am proud today to say that I am a Recovering Compulsive Gambler. Both 2005 and 2006 were spent dealing with the wreckage of my past, including two felony convictions and jail sentences for theft, stealing from my employers to finance my compulsive gambling. I gambled compulsively for well over 7 years, and I am so glad those years are gone. 2007 has blessed me with opportunities I could have never foreseen. It has been an amazing and remarkable year. In January, I was awarded court-ordered visitation with my girls, now 14 and 9, after seeing them only three times in the previous 18 months, as they live with their grandmother, with whom I have no relationship with. I now spend every other weekend with them, and we are building new bonds to carry us into the future. My oldest is a freshman, a cheerleader for her school, and amazes me daily with her thoughts and views on the world. My youngest is in fourth grade, and is coming into her own, becoming a very intuitive and insightful young lady. They both are the reasons I have worked so hard to change my life and become a better mom that I ever thought possible.

In April, I finally found a company to give me a second chance at employment. A private medical school asked me to join their team in Admissions Support and I love my job every day. In June, after almost 20 months (whew!) I was finally able to move out of the halfway house I was living in and into my own apartment. While this may not sound like much to some, for me, it meant an independence I had forgotten about. Just being able to have my own space again lifted so much weight off of my shoulders.
In July, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a syndrome which causes fatigue, pain, and general discomfort. Imagine the commercials you see for Restless Leg Syndrome, with the ants crawling up the legs? I have that in my legs, my arms, my shoulders, and into my back. While there is no cure, with drug therapy and life style modification, I am learning to listen to my body when it says stop. In a way, I am blessed to have this diagnoses – for a while, I thought I just getting lazy. But again, He has a different plan for me than I have and this is another way of His showing me a new way life.

August was an ending and a new beginning – I completed 21 months of intensive therapy for my compulsive gambling, and now have the tools I need to handle life on life’s terms. I also returned to school after 18 years, basically starting over at the beginning. I am currently working towards an associate degree, with the goals of getting a BA in Social Work and ultimately a MA in Counseling to help others like myself overcome issues related to compulsive gambling. I pulled a 3.75 GPA for my first semester back to school, and couldn’t have done it without my program and the faith, hope and encouragement I receive every day.
October was the month of highs and lows. I pled guilty to a third felony, for falsely filing unemployment insurance while working as a nanny back in 2005. The judge was able to recognize my personal achievements, and allowed me to continue moving forward without jail time. My youngest brother got married (finally!), and I was fully included in all the festivities, with my new sister-in-law telling me that she is proud to call me her sister. Both of my brothers also told me how proud they are of me, and how far I’ve come. Several extended family members at the event also echoed their sentiments (even if not all of my immediate family feels the same way).  One of the best moments of the year was on October 20th – I celebrated 2 years without gambling, a huge achievement in my own right. I am very involved in Gamblers Anonymous, including serving on the Phoenix area Intergroup, an elected position I am very proud to hold.

My personal life has also had its ups and downs – I am finally in a committed relationship with someone who knows, understands, and accepts my past, and looks at who I am today as the person he wants to be with. I never thought that I would find true acceptance, and heartfelt passion again, but it has happened. Only our Higher Power knows what our future holds, but the ride along the road of relationship is fabulous! I have true friends that I deeply love, and couldn’t image my new life without them.
To some, this letter may sound pretentious or boastful, but please take it for what it truly is – I am proud of my accomplishments, and just wanted to share them with all of you. If I could leave one thought in your mind to be remembered in the future, it would be to Take Each Day One Day at a Time. I am so thankful for life today. Tell someone you love them, give a stranger on the street a smile, give a friend a kind word. You’ll make a difference in someone’s day, and then they will pass along the smile or the word, and so on and so on. What a great world this would then be!

Love Always,

Kim D, A Proud Grateful Recovering Compulsive Gambler, Phoenix, AZ
HELP!     I need to have you ladies send in some articles for the Newsletter.
 I need articles from gamblers and from counselors.  Thank you,  Marilyn
     
  
    
  My Little Blue Book “A Day At a Time”     


I carry the Little Blue Book, “A Day At a Time” in my bag always. I can forget lipsticks, I can forget about a date with a man but I can’t forget “A Day At a Time”. I read it every day and each time I open it – it teaches me something new.

I remember how it came fluttering along to me Par Avion (European Air Mail) in a small manila envelope. It was sent to me by Marilyn L.- my internet GA Sponsor. The same woman, who once in far away Arizona, sometimes alone with a mug of coffee, waited for other female gamblers. They came and GA female gamblers’ meetings became a reality. The same woman, Marilyn L.- in far away USA, answered a letter from another female gambler, somewhere in far away Poland. And she gave a helping hand to me and shared information that saved my life.

When I opened the manila envelope, I cried with happiness that I could hold this Little Blue Book, and I began my journey to recovery. I give thanks to the anonymous members of GA in far USA, who wrote this Book . Till that very moment I could only read on the internet about “A Day At a Time”. “Synopsis: An essential recovery tool for compulsive gamblers, this book offers hope, support, and guidance throughout the year. Addressing the issues and fears facing compulsive gamblers in recovery, these daily reflections and prayers remind readers of progress made and work yet to be done”.

I dreamed about this Book of Reflections. It was like the Moon – I can look at it but I can’t get there. I did everything I was told by GA. “HONESTY, OPEN MINDEDNESS, and WILLINGNESS are the key words in our recovery”. I had it all, except credit cards and money to order the Book from America. Thank God I was blessed to know English.

So, after long, hard job I have done on my recovery, after all those long months I have spent doing everything I was told by GA literature, after I have exchange about one thousand (!) e-mails with Marilyn L., it was time to move on in my journey through recovery from compulsive gambling. I gambled for 15 years and wasn’t reading much during that time, and to my surprise I could read GA literature for hours, and could think about it and do what I was told. I wanted to start a new life so desperately. I wanted to live…

I have done so much since then. I was running two websites on the internet on GA in the Polish language, I was translating WHW (Women Helping Women) for every Polish suffering gambler in the world, and-what is the most important –I have started 3 GA meetings in my hometown Krakow in Poland over a year ago. And we have survived. And then one day I discovered – something is missing. THERE WAS SUCH A NEED INSIDE OF ME TO FEED MY SOUL. I needed “A Day At a Time”. I needed Reflections to help me to meditate, to help me on my journey to constructive thinking.

You can say – the Combo Book is a magical Book but the magic of Reflections is incomparable. Reflections are reflections of my soul...Food for my soul…they teach, they are the source of knowledge, they are mirrors of me. Every time I read it I ask myself- how is this possible, that YOU - unnamed Authors in very far away America - know me so well? Who permitted YOU to sit in my soul and mind? Disease – compulsive gambling - permitted. And today I invite my fellow GA gamblers from US to be a guest in my soul every time I open "A Day At a Time ”. The wisdom of Reflections stimulates and forces me to think. For 15 long years I had a secret, hardly anybody knew. But to my surprise –my secret was known to gamblers in GA.

I can be sorry about one thing - that I didn’t know anything about the other recovering gamblers sooner, but they knew about me. In every part of the world, there is some compulsive, suffering gambler. Gamblers Anonymous in US, thank you, for giving me a helping hand. It is an old Chinese proverb: “If you saved someone’s life, you are responsible for this person for the rest of your life…” Gamblers Anonymous in US, thank you for teaching me how to be responsible for myself – thank you for giving to me tools to my recovery. And it is my dream that I can share it with my fellow, suffering Polish gamblers, so they won’t be looking at the Moon, dreaming of being there… A Day At a Time

Isia from Poland

P.S. My Little Blue Book “A Day At a Time” was signed by 23 Female Gamblers from GA meetings in Arizona. I would like to say – thank you, You can’t even imagine how much it means to me. And to Marilyn L. – thank you for saving my life…You are the best GA Friend I ever had.
 
 
 
   . . . to feed that "gambling beast" . . .
 
 
As 2007 draws to an end I find myself reflecting on my year, and all the many things I have to be grateful for. My recovery- One Day at a Time, is number one on that list. Without it, I would have nothing to be grateful for. I would still be living in the desperation and unbelievable insanity, of my active gambling addiction. Prior to March 25th of this year, I struggled with compulsive gambling to the point of having to go into inpatient treatment 7 times, in a 2 1/2 year period. In my addiction I became a person I would never have thought I could become.

The progression of this disease is astounding! With each relapse I sunk lower and farther into despair and desperation. I lied to the people I love, and I stole from those who trusted me. I engaged in criminal activity, all in my attempt to feed that "gambling beast" inside me. I over dosed on prescribed medication for my depression, sold my plasma for money and spent many nights sleeping in my car, feeling that I was worthless, a piece of shit. I would acquire 30, 60, and a few times 90 days of abstinence, yet I would find myself going back out for more misery. It was a never ending vicious cycle, which was killing me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I cannot describe the pain and desperation my family felt, especially my wonderful husband Dave. In many ways they went to hell and back with me, fearing that I would die in this disease. I could have and on many occasions I wanted to die to end the pain I was causing them. In my numbed out gambling mode, I felt nothing, but my family could see my complete destruction, and yet they felt helpless to stop me. Only I could stop myself. Only I could make that decision to end the insanity. With the help of God, and my gambling counselor Donleen, G.A, A.A {I have 29 years of sobriety, believe it or not} my family, especially my husband, my friends and my many trips to treatment, along with an amazing counselor there, I have been in recovery for over 9 months now.

I am committed to my recovery from gambling in a way I never was before. I start my mornings out, using many of the recovery tools which I have in my tool box. I had the tools before, yet I was willing to use only a few. Part of my struggle was that I was not willing to go to any lengths to maintain my abstinence from gambling. Today I am willing, and as a result, my life is better in so many ways. One of the recovery tools I use every morning is to write 5 things which I am grateful for, before I journal. This regular practice helps to keep me in "an attitude of gratitude", which has helped my depression, of which I have suffered from since childhood, immensely.

Every year of my adult life, I have found myself in a depression during the holidays, yet this year I wasn’t! Thank you God! I recently became a grandmother for the second time, and I am truly here for my grand children. I am here for my family and friends. Most importantly I am here for myself. I truly have much to be grateful for as I reflect back on this past year. I pray for every woman who is out there struggling with compulsive gambling that you may find what I have found. Be kind to yourselves. Learn to love yourselves. Most importantly, believe that you are worth it. You DO deserve to live a life gamble-free One Day at a Time and you can do it.

God Bless and I wish you all Peace, Health, and Recovery in 2008!

Love Bonnie, Oregon
 
 
  DEATH DESTROYS A THOUGHT BOX 

On July 30th, a brother-of-my-heart, my friend since my first college days, perished after a long battle with addiction. I have felt all that you would feel: grief (I want you back, Eric right now), rage (how dare you waste your life), despair (why why why), relief (he's free), and on the day after his death, I felt his sweet essence (whether my heart conjured this feeling or it was him sending me his love, I don't know or care) and, a few days later, on an airplane coming home from The Writer's Spa, this devastating hair-raising truth: it was his choice.

Now, before you jerk me bald, I have had my share of experience with addiction, and I imagine that in last months especially after going through rehab twice, my friend no longer had a choice because the drugs had possessed him. Yet, before that, he did. And he kept choosing to go away. From his talent, from his immense heart, from his grief at the seeing so much suffering in the world, from the many, many people who utterly adored him. And no one could stop him.

No matter how much his wife, sister, father, best friend, and many others tried, he was the only one who had the power to choose. The stark finality of my friend's choice brought this eternal truth smack into my gut: no one can stop me. Whatever I do, it's my choice. I felt crushed and completely thrilled. Crushed because I want someone to tell me what to do, what to choose -- okay, so I really don't want someone to as evidenced by what I do when someone tells me: not listen. But oh, do I love to keep asking! Looking for someone to tell me what to do--mainly when it comes to my creative work life.

Which leads me to my blown apart box of thoughts. I recently hired the famously smart and multi-talented Andrea Lee (andreajlee.com) as my business coach. I've spent hours and hours of moodling time this year getting clear (I thought) on what I want to offer next in my work -- filling journals with ideas and yet taking little action (always a sign that something isn't quite right). I hired Andrea because I thought I was "ready to move into action!" Are you laughing yet?

Of course, in our first conversation, I found myself sinking into that oh-so-familiar-and-oh-so-nasty feeling of being trapped at the same time I'm wishing Andrea would tell me what to do! Talk about a box of useless thinking.

Andrea started a fire on the kindling of Eric's death that was fully ignited September 1st when our Brain Trust (a peer group that supports each other in our creative businesses -- we just had our first retreat together) suggested I needed a long break and what if I took a nine month retreat?

But wait, I exclaimed, Andrea and I just had this big breakthrough about my work. It happened when she said: "You are the "brand" who does random crazy things, who stands for freedom, and, I added, "Who wakes up over and over and is always evolving." Suddenly, as sudden as it always is when we see what has always been available to us only obscured by our story of what we should do or how things should be, I was free. Free of "I should be in business, I should use Goggle ad words and promote my new book more, and make consistent offers that truly takes advantage of all my ideas, and create a slew of truly life changing products and be focused on comfort, and yet always expanding and most of all be a BRAND, which means be one thing."

But the Brain Trust buddies pointed out I had one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake in my creative life for far too long. I was exhausted. If I started up again, regardless that I now felt clear of my box thinking about what I should do, I would just peeter out again. I needed time away from trying to produce! So I declared a "working nine month retreat" by reading my favorite Rilke poem out loud and agreeing to three basic principles to guide my choices. Read more here.

Eric's tragic death changed the shape of my heart forever and his choice has awoken a much deeper appreciation of how I forget I can choose. My predilection may always be to make a box of my beliefs to hide in, I may always push myself to "be productive, to make a difference, to live live live," and I may often believe others know better than I. And I'm proud to declare that I've taken yet one more trip around my own growth spiral and I'm letting my random crazy freak flag fly-again over my nine month retreat!

What do you think? I'm a lunatic? Will you keep reading me if I'm creatively inconsistent and don't publish regularly? Is this too much navel gazing for you? Send me an email to jennifer@comfortqueen.com or post a comment here. While I can't respond to each of your notes or blog comments because of my retreat guidelines :), I cherish and mull over (and occasionally curse at) every single one.

This article originally appeared in the Self Care Minder e-zine and is reprinted with permission from the author, Jennifer Louden, best-selling author and speaker. For more information, visit http://www.jenniferlouden.com. Copyright 2007, Jennifer Louden, Inc. All rights reserved.
 
Gripped by Gambling.  
I have a new website  www.grippedbygambling.com with information about my book. The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life. The book may be ordered from Amazon.com, and on-line books stores or directly from the publisher, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3,  It may be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking the book.
Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

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