WE CAN LISTEN TO EACH OTHER

.......A short note to let you know I appreciate you sending the newsletters. A lot has happened since my leaving "The Custer Center" in Indianapolis last March and most not good. I left with high hopes—unfortunately my dreams were just that. Dreams! I returned to gambling and have only dug my grave a little deeper. The depression has been overwhelming, but am hanging on, if only by a thread. I feel like a "freak"—I continue to try, if only sporadically—knowing something is going to have to give soon.

I have had to return "home" to my husband—not a good situation but one I have to accept for now. The two positives in my life are my job and the fact my children have not given up on me—I reject them repeatedly, but so far they have not left my life.

I thank you for listening. Pray for me, along with all the others who so desperately need it. Keep the newsletters coming. ............................................Sue from Indiana

          HOME ALONE

Home alone again with the force within me that seeks to kill everything that is good and decent about me and the life I want to live.

Two days ago, that force almost succeeded. I went out of control in a frenzy of gambling and scrambling for money to keep on gambling that reached a new low for me. Writing hot checks, lying to the casino so I could cash more, lying to credit card companies so they would send me "emergency" cash, lying to another credit card company so they would send me an "emergency"
card and then going to three different banks to try to convince them to punch the numbers in because the electronic strip didn't work. Well it WAS an emergency in my mind.

Home alone now, I wonder which was the biggest high? The desperate scramble for money or the actual playing the slot machines. I wonder to what lengths I would go for money the next time.

There was one point I won a jackpot, but it wasn't enough to recoup all the money I had lost because I had resorted to the nickel machines. In fact, it was only enough to keep me playing for a little while longer because I quickly switched to the dollar machines. There was another point where I knew I was going to win, so I kept on putting money in the machine, and kept on, and kept on, and I did win, so I picked up all the dollar coins, carted them over to another machine, and lost all of it.

Thinking about this, I can still feel the anticipation of that win, but home alone now, I can also see what happened next. What always happens next.

I know my life could be good because I've been there. I've had some peace, some direction, some hope, some connection to a higher power, some recovery. The only thing it takes as a necessary first step is to not gamble.

Home alone again, I know what I have to do to get back on the right road. There is another force within me that wants to live, wants to sort through the shambles, and start over. I have to nurture this part, or I'm lost forever. Home alone now, my first step is to tell the truth................................Diane D., WA

                   Both Our Hearts

I didn't go to Gamblers Anonymous. GA came to me. I was arrested and introduced to GA because the legal system said I had to be.  On January 19, 1998, driving on the interstate, I saw a sign advertising a new casino. That was my trigger. I'd had no intention of going gambling.

I was heading to the mall with my children.  I needed to get enough money for a payment on a credit card my husband didn't know I had.  I owed $7,000 on it.  I had rented a post office box so I didn't have to run to catch the mail every day.  I had already maxed out 4 or 5 credit cards that my husband had taken away from me.I was in the casino for 1 hour.  Time gets away from you in there. They have no clocks or windows, but as sick as I was, it wouldn't have mattered.  I was arrested for leaving my 3-year-old daughter and 15-month-old son in my pick-up truck while I went into a casino and gambled.

After a night in jail, I checked myself into a treatment program. A few days later, 2 women who would become GA sisters, Paula and Marilyn, picked me up and drove me to my first meeting.

. . . My story begins back when I was but a baby. My biological mother was only 16 and married to my siblings' father (not mine) when I was born.  Later they had marital problems, and she gave me to my biological grandmother and her husband for adoption. I found out at age 12 that I was adopted. At the age of 2 the sexual and physical abuse started. Then again at 6, then 16.

During that time I pretended I was 2 different people.  I know now that this pretense provided the only way mentally I could deal with life and face people.  The girl who was very shy and frightened of everything pretended the physical and sexual abuse was happening to the bad girl, who was constantly reminded of how bad she was. But the abuse wounded both little girls' hearts terribly.

At 16, I married and became pregnant. When he broke my jaw and 3 ribs, I lost the baby.   The marriage ended after 6 months. Six months later I married again for a few weeks, but that marriage was annulled as he went to Vietnam.

Then about 8 months later I married again; we were married for 7 years.  I was pregnant twice with this man but lost both children and had to have a hysterectomy.   He beat me and had me convinced that I was worthless. I left him.  I stayed single for over 1 year.  I married again to a man that didn't beat me; he only drank all the time and did drugs.  That ended in about 4 months.

Then I met David in a laundromat.  We were extremely happy for 18 years.   Then we adopted two children from Russia.  We loved them as if they were our own. However, when my daughter was about 2 years old I had my second major back surgery and was in terrible pain.  As a result of the pain, along with the children's ages, I started reliving my past.

The issues had never been dealt with or even talked about.  The problems began to consume me. I didn't include David. I didn't talk to him; I was ashamed to tell him.   I escaped by gambling.  I didn't have to feel any physical pain or the pain in my mind and my heart.  I had no idea that I was sick with a disease.  Then I was arrested and my world came crashing down.  I was sentenced to 7 years probation.   Things that next year were not so good. I spent 30 days in treatment, completed a parenting class, etc.  My husband was making me feel like I was walking on egg shells in my own house.

On February 1st of the following year, the Grandmother who raised me died on my birthday.  I was devastated.  When we returned home from her funeral, I tried to commit suicide.  David came to the behavioral health hospital and told me he wanted a divorce.  Before I left the hospital, he said we would live separately and date and go to counseling for 1 year.  But he would never go.

We divorced in August 2000. He has my children.  I pay child support.  But I am not gambling and have not gambled since January 19, 1998......................................................Ricky B., AZ

Painful Beliefs

We encourage you to get over the beliefs that cause you pain. That's easy to say and hard to do. So, we have some suggestions as to how you might do it.

Know Yourself: Practice meditation and active mindfulness to develop awareness and clarity of mind. Learn to recognize your internal states. Meditation helps with this. Notice your negative expectations. Try giving them up.

Slow Down: If you are always in a hurry, how can you notice what's going on around you and inside you?

Be Positive: Buy in to a positive belief system. There are plenty around and they are free. If your beliefs make you feel bad, consider exchanging them for some better ones. Don't take your beliefs too seriously, especially when they are based on somebody else's experience and not yours. Be willing to give them up when you get new information that fits better. You deserve to be happy. (Notice your response to this statement. If it doesn't ring true for you, what belief are you hanging on to that says otherwise? Can you give up that pain generating belief for one that will allow you to be happy?)

Be Humble: While it's true that you are a glorious creation of a magnificent universe, so are the rest of us.

Be Here Now: Live in the present as much as possible. What you did before cannot be undone. What was done to you before cannot be undone. You can only change your present response to the experience. You are responsible for your response in this moment. Living in the present moment is usually less painful than reliving your past hurts or envisioning your fears.

Put It In Perspective: Misery results from clinging to your pain. Recognize that the present is not the past and the future is what you make it. You are not powerless. The universe is not out to get you.

Author Unknown