Volume No. VI, Issue No. 1                                                   January 2004

 

EASY OPTIONS DIDN’T WORK

 

 

When Marilyn L. received this letter, she asked permission to print it in WHW. The gambler’s reply was, "Gosh, absolutely!"

 

Hello, Marilyn

After writing back this morning, I was hoping to hear from you again. Thank you. I feel that I have exhausted my "easy" options for help, though I wonder if it’s not just a copout. Here is what I have done. I called the 1-800-GAMBLER number a couple of times. Once, it was good to talk to someone; the second time, the guy was quite rude, and I hung up out of embarrassment.

I have called the nearest GA headquarters and talked to the director. He was quite wonderful and helpful and sent me some info, but he also informed me that there weren’t any programs in my county. I haven’t found any free counseling so far, but my searching has not been consistent.

See - what I seem to be saying is I want to quit, but I don’t want to put forth the effort to do it ... at least that’s what it seems to me. I’m being weak.

I’m reading a book called "The Shadow of Chance" by Dr. Julian Taber, about compulsive gambling. It’s quite good, and I have to put it down sometimes; it’s too real.

I find this form of talking about this comforting and non-threatening. I am afraid someone will find out. Maybe lose my job. My kids, who think I am so strong, will know the truth.... Well, it’s all just too much sometimes. This holding it in, I mean.

I keep thinking if I distract myself, if I find something else to keep me busy, then I won’t be so apt to gamble and then over time I just won’t care as much. Does this sound feasible? Marilyn, thank you for letting me write to you. It means so much. It’s Monday and I’m going home now to do something fun.

Bless your heart, Marsha L., CA

Since I've been seeing gamblers and their families, I’ve enjoyed a mutually beneficial exchange with my neighbor, who is the movie reviewer for our local paper. I view and comment on videos he loans me, and he applies my comments to his knowledge of the subject for his reviews. I often feel part of my role as a therapist is to answer questions as they arise and stand on my soap-box a bit, attempting to educate the public about the disease of compulsive gambling.

My neighbor lent me "Owning Mahowney," and the two of us would have written very different reviews of this movie. Philip Hoffman, who played "Dan Mahowney," does an excellent job of portraying a compulsive gambler in action. The character is based on Brian Molony, who embezzled millions from the Canadian bank he worked at several years ago.

My friend, the reviewer, disagreed with the decision of the actor and director to not let "the audience crawl inside Mahowney's head." He felt that the movie lacked the connection audiences need to sympathize with the protagonist or the people around him. In my opinion, the movie did a fantastic job of showing how deeply guarded the emotions and plans of a gambler in action can be. Hoffman adeptly keeps us out of his head and away from any emotions. He displayed behavior indicative of a compulsive gambler at his worst: shielding even himself from reality. The characters who watch him on the hidden video cameras in the casino he frequents nicknamed him "the Iceman." He acted out "denial" better than anyone I've seen on screen in a long time, like many clients I see, who are not ready to admit and address their problem. At several points in the movie Mahowney says, "I don't have a gambling problem," (big pause) "I'm having financial difficulties." Sound familiar?

My reviewer friend characterized Mahowney’s girlfriend, Belinda, played by Minnie Driver, as "so meek that it’s tough to identify with her." I believe Driver’s performance in the part of the gambler's girlfriend presented a rather classic portrayal of a co-dependent loved one. Yes, she is meek, and it does take Belinda a long time to build up enough steam to confront Dan about her hurt feelings and the insanity she keeps witnessing. For months, Mahowney has lied and covered up his strange behaviors and long hours away from her; she doesn't put it together until a trip they take to Las Vegas.

After being promised a glorious weekend together, she goes to the casino to find him shooting craps. She had fallen asleep waiting for him to return from "a quick walk to look around," which turned into his absence for an entire night. He tells her, "It will only be a few more minutes," and the security guard roughly removes her from the playing area.

Flying home, she hears a man on the plane say, "Everyone loses in Vegas," and that spurs her on to investigate problem gambling. She learns just enough to confront him the next time she sees him, but not quite enough, apparently, to go to GamAnon or Gamblers Anonymous to learn what those programs could offer her. That was the most depressing fact about the movie to me; no reference was made to the help that the 12 Steps have to offer. And, other than his co-dependent girlfriend saying she thought he had a problem and should do something about it, nobody challenged Mahowney to get help.

Frankly, the end of the movie was curious to me. Some ironic messages about what actually occurred appear just before the final credits. I wonder what other folks will think and feel when they read the outcome of Mahowney's illness. I wonder if they at least get a better picture of how sick he was, and how devastating the disease can be. I wish there was a way to put an addendum on the movie credits, "If you or someone you know gambles, call the hotline...."

Denise counsels gamblers and their families at her private practice in Reno, NV -

Red Hawk Counseling.

 

If you or someone you know has a gambling problem,

call the National Gambling Hotline, 1-800-522-4700.

WHY COUNSELING?    by Bonnie J. Benzies, Ph.D.

 

The information below is provided as a general overview only. Each individual, in consultation with family, friends and GA members, must make decisions about her best recovery options.

First things first: The general rule is that if you have to choose between counseling and GA, especially early in recovery, go to GA. Either way, counseling can play a major role in recovery, for two reasons. It can help you identify and heal past wounds, and it can help you cope with the many consequences of your problem or compulsive gambling.

Examples of wounds from the past include: 1) abuse—physical, sexual, emotional-psychological; 2) developmental "holes" such as abandonment issues, inadequately developed coping and conflict resolution skills; 3) loss and grief that were never adequately processed; 4) repressed anger, guilt and/or shame; 5) cumulative stress from handling multiple demanding roles over extended periods of time; and 6) divorce and/or the "empty nest" in mid- or later life. Examples of more current issues, resulting from your gambling, include: guilt, depression, family conflict/possibly divorce, legal problems, unemployment, loss of children, isolation, fear, and shame.

Past wounding often predisposes women to gambling and other addictions. Understanding these issues will help you know the "why" of your gambling, and also ultimately free you from these unseen forces in the future. But, again, first things first: You need to begin with the present. And this will take some time, because by the time you have found GA you likely have left much damage in the wake of your gambling.

So what is the difference between counseling and GA? GA focuses mainly on external behavior: not gambling, one day at a time, by attending meetings; accepting the fellowship and support of others in the program; participating in Pressure Relief at the appropriate time; and learning to socialize in healthy, even helpful, ways. For most problem/compulsive gamblers, GA is the first doorway to recovery; its benefits are immeasurable—especially if you are able to find closed women’s meetings.

However, because the issue of shame can be a significant barrier to women’s recovery, GA is often not enough, especially early on. Some women will not get to GA unless they first do counseling to address the shame issues and receive needed encouragement to go to GA.

For those involved in GA, counseling focuses more on internal processes such as feelings, thoughts and eventual insight into both past and present issues. While counseling can occur in a group format, many find individual sessions more helpful. For many women, individual counseling may be the first time they experience being the sole focus of a caring adult; it is also a place where they can learn again to trust and be trusted.

Ideally, you would attend both counseling and GA. To the extent your gambling behavior is managed via GA, counseling can focus on the many levels of personal healing which need to occur. If, however, you initially decide to only do counseling, it is critical that your counselor is highly skilled as an addictions counselor with expertise in problem/compulsive gambling. In this instance, your counselor must at least initially focus on your gambling behavior and its many consequences. Only when your gambling has stopped and you are solidly involved in GA can the counseling begin to focus on the "why" issues and your inner healing.

Another major difference between GA and counseling is that GA is free, while counseling can be quite costly. Thus, it makes good sense to utilize GA early in your recovery (Stage I Recovery) and then later, when finances have stabilized, begin counseling (Stage II Recovery). Again, the main exception to this is if you have been unable to get meaningfully involved in GA on your own.

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