Volume No. I, Issue No. 4                                             July 1999

 

            THEORY ON HITTING BOTTOM

I am one of the ones many GA members call "lucky," blessed with maintaining abstinence from my very first GA meeting. However, I really believe that I understand why some people relapse multiple times before they put together a significant period of time not gambling. Here is my theory about hitting bottom.

You know, we all have pain and demons. That is a part of life. Some of us just fail to cope with it in a healthy way and end up seeking refuge in some form of substance-based or behavior-based altering of brain chemistry. We are self-anesthetizing.

DEFINITION: Bottom happens when the pain created by the behavior you have adopted to anesthetize your pain becomes greater than the pain you initially set out to escape. I got to my bottom, and then walked into my first meeting. Others come in earlier in the cycle. They certainly know that gambling is causing pain, no longer giving them the shelter from it. But they come in at a point before the pain from gambling is worse than their initial pain. These women go back out, and then, once enough misery from gambling piles up, the scale tips and they have endured enough. They have found bottom and can now truly embrace recovery.

So I am always troubled when new members berate themselves for relapsing. They seem to feel that those of us who "got it" from our first meeting are somehow superior. I argue, however, that women like me are the ones who really took longer to get it. We are the ones who went all the way down before we took our first step toward help and hope. ---------- Carol R.

PATH OF SELF-DESTRUCTION

As you have read in this newsletter, many, if not most, women are "escape gamblers." I personally have about equal parts action gambler and escape gambler in my makeup. My games of choice were poker and blackjack. I got a real rush from the moment I hit the casino, a feeling of exhilaration, that it seemed I could almost literally trace, would run through my bloodstream. To this day I can still recall the sensation. But I undoubtedly was compelled by a desire to leave my pain and demons at the door and find a few hours of peace at the casino, even when I swore I would never return.

Like you, I knew I was locked in to a path of self-destruction. I tried to quit on my own a million times. I was completely confounded by my inability to control whether or not I would end up at the casino on any given day. At the end, I simply had no ability to stop myself from going. Until June 8th, 1995.

I went on a binge to the brand new Harrah's in New Orleans. I lied and said I was there on a business trip, but it was a binge, pure and simple. For three days and nights I drank and gambled. (I am a double winner, recovering alcoholic too). I had completely concealed these facts from

EVERYONE. I was totally in the closet with my drinking and gambling.

Imagine the lies I told my partner, covering up this daily lifestyle.

By the end of the three days, I was completely debased. I had lost thousands of dollars. I was sick from the alcohol and lack of sleep. I had reached the point where I was so sick of who I had become, so to-the-bone disgusted with my lies and deceiving the people I loved. I lay in the bed in the hotel and cried until every drop of moisture left my body, and I still kept on crying. I replayed in my brain all of the horror of the last two years of my descent into hell. In that moment I knew how utterly alone I was, and that I could not go on. I had hit bottom. ............Carol R.

Read Carol's partner's story next month.

LESSONS FROM GEESE

As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an "uplift" for the bird following. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds 71 percent greater flying range than if the bird flew alone.

Lesson: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going more quickly and easily because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.

Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone, and it quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the "lifting power" of the bird immediately in front.

Lesson: If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those who are headed where we want to go (and be willing to accept their help as well as give ours to the others.)

When the lead goose gets tired, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies at the point position.

Lesson: It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and sharing leadership. With people, as with geese, we are interdependent on each other.

The geese honk information from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

Lesson: We need to be sure our honking from behind is encouraging--and not something else.

When a goose gets sick or wounded or shot down, two geese drop out of formation and follow it down to help and protect it. They stay with it until it is able to fly again or dies. Then they launch out on their own with another formation, or catch up with the flock.

Lesson: If we have as much sense as geese, we too will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong.

"Relapse Prevention Guide" Tigard, OR, GA for the 1996 GA Inter. Conv.,Whistler, B.C. Can

LED TO PRISON

When I moved to Bullhead City, AZ in 1995, I had been an alcoholic/addict for 25 years. My friend, who had a gambling problem, took me to the casinos across the river in Laughlin. I didn't understand how someone could be addicted to gambling. That soon changed and gambling became my whole world. Within one year, I suffered more consequences than I ever had from alcohol or drugs

I am writing this letter from prison, and part of the reason I am here is because I stole money to support my gambling addiction. Two months after my first encounter with video poker and slot machines, I was hooked. In the beginning, I just did it for fun and to relieve my boredom. Then I became an escape gambler and lived to gamble.

 
After a "big win" I quit my job and wanted to stay at the casino and continue to gamble. I went through eight jobs in the next two years, either quitting or being fired as a result of gambling. During the last 6 months of my gambling, I didn't even look for a job since most of my waking hours were spent in the casinos or scamming to get money to gamble.

I became extremely selfish and gambling was putting a strain on my marriage. My husband thought I was having an affair since I was gone most of the time. I told him a video poker machine had become the love of my life. Unknowingly, my husband became an enabler and paid all the bills, took care of our daughter and always forgave me for staying away for days at a time at the casinos. I pawned everything we owned including our wedding rings.

My daughter begged me not to go to the casinos. I neglected her and broke promises to her. My gambling had become more important than my family.

I was irresponsible and getting progressively worse. I borrowed money, lied and even resorted to stealing just to gamble. I was obsessed and I cared about nothing but gambling. My thoughts turned to suicide on two occasions after losing everything.

Being spiritually, emotionally and physically bankrupt, I prayed to God to separate me from my addictions. That day, I was arrested for theft, trafficking in stolen goods and drugs and the judge sent me to prison for 2 years.

Gambling goes on in prison, but by the grace of God and the GA program, I haven't placed a bet since 11-24-97. I am in an intensive treatment program in prison and have worked the Steps as thoroughly as I can. I contacted GA and have a sponsor by mail. I do service work by facilitating 12 Step meetings in prison. Most of all, I'm grateful to my Higher Power, which is God, for blessing me with a chance at recovery. This program works, if you work it...One day at a time. -----------Charolett B.

 

GROUP'S 7th ANNIVERSARY
The Women's Group held their 7 year anniversary on June 25 and 40 women attended, including 10 past secretaries. Many of the members had attended Step Study Groups and are still in recovery. It's proof that if we get involved, our recovery will really accelerate.