Volume No. II, Issue No. 6                                              June 2000

 

FOOD & SHELTER vs THE TEDDY BEAR

 

Today I am so grateful that I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. When I first came into Gamblers Anonymous, I said I gambled compulsively for about four years. But after I did my first 4^th step, I realized it was much longer than that. I played marbles when I was very young. I would win them all, but I continued to play until I’d lost every one.

I went to a fair when I was fifteen and lost my rent and grocery money trying to win a teddy bear. When I found the casinos, this progressive disease engulfed me. In the beginning I went every weekend and any day that I had off during the week. By the end I was going nearly every night after work and once spent three days in a row there.

I lost a 25-year marriage, stacks of money, and a lot of other material things. But I’ve since discovered that the loss I missed most was me. At some point, I had left my self behind at the casino. My last month of gambling was just horrible. It wasn’t fun anymore, and I found myself crying in the car on the way to the casino. I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t stop. I would sit in front of a slot machine for days at a time. Not eating, not sleeping. Going to the bathroom only when absolutely necessary.

The day I made my last bet I’d been at the casino all day. It took me 16 hours to lose everything. When I got into my car to go home, I realized I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything at all. That scared me more than not having anything to eat for the next two weeks until I got paid again. I went home and called GA.

I went to my first meeting the following evening. It rained so hard the electricity went out, so the meeting was canceled. I "white knuckled" it ‘til the following Thursday. Then I found people who understood my addiction. People who cared and could help me. I’ve been fortunate enough not to have to place another bet since then. That was July of 1996. It’s been a long road and I have a long way to go, but I’m on the right track.

You get out of this program what you put into it. For me, GA comes first before anything or anyone else. I come 2^nd and my new husband 3^rd. Without #1 there would be no #2 or #3.

GA has given me a wonderful life—a way of life I’ve never had. Thank God I didn’t kill myself; and if I stay with this program and really work it, I won’t ever again think about killing myself over a stupid bet.

 

.....Wanda W., Phoenix, AZ

         Vacationing My Way to Abstinence

Coming up with a list of activities that I used to do and could do again were I not to gamble, I remembered my desire to travel abroad. Every year I’d say, "I want to do this," but then I never had the time or the money, or so I thought. However, in September my husband and I put our finances and ourselves on the line and signed up for a trip to France to take place the following April.

With this goal firmly in mind, and loudly declared to my sister GA members, I set out to achieve abstinence for seven months. The trip would be my reward.

This ploy worked great. Every time I got the urge to gamble, I’d picture myself in France. I knew that if I gambled, I would feel broke and would probably cancel the trip. Every time I didn’t go to the casino I knew that I was saving a bundle that could be applied to the trip.

Of course, you don’t get well just by setting a goal like this. I still had to come to meetings, read the literature, find things to do with my free time, and uncover the triggers that sent me to the casino. I had to work the program.

But that trip was a powerful motivator and in April 2000 I spent two marvelous weeks in France, learning about the Impressionists.

As soon as I got home, the urges began again, and I knew I had achieved some measure of abstinence but not recovery. Of course, recovery will be ongoing throughout my lifetime.

But I have set another goal, another reward for myself. I will travel again in October 2001! And I’m announcing it here! That goal is farther out than the first one and that is good. It will help me stretch my abstinence. Meanwhile, I will be working on recovery as well.

Is this a good way to go for gamblers? I don’t know, but it is working for me. But then, I am a goal-oriented person. I like to set goals and feel great when I achieve them. In fact my trip to France has inspired another goal—to brush up on my very rusty French and go back to France for a language immersion at some point.

Of course, taking French classes will take up time that might otherwise be spent at casinos...and so it goes. I guess abstinence and recovery grow exponentially like money in the bank grows through compound interest.

Meanwhile, until my vocabulary improves...Bonjour! Cafe au lait si’l vous plait, and bon soir!

................................................Joanne F., Phoenix, AZ

CLINICAL CORNER - KEEPING A JOURNAL

In a personal journal the woman gambler can chronicle her journey of recovery. And she can identify her thoughts and emotions—inner experiences— and the actions she takes in dealing with various situations.

The structure or format of a journal involves personal choice. Some women prefer to write whatever they are thinking and feeling in a kind of "stream of consciousness" style. For others some type of structure seems more helpful.

Reflecting upon each day and making two lists provides a simple approach. You can list situations arising that day about which you feel good and make another list of situations about which you have negative emotions. Then you may select one or two situations from the lists and write your thoughts and feelings about them.

As you write, confusion often gives way to clarity. You become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. Keeping the Serenity Prayer in mind, you may want to take action in a particular situation, or you may want to work on accepting that you can do nothing or do not wish to take action. In addition to clarifying situations and the thoughts, emotions, and actions related to them, the gambler may be able to let go of pent-up feelings. Journaling can also provide a kind of emotional catharsis as the author unburdens herself in the process of writing.

Many individuals are afraid of writing down their thoughts and feelings. These women are often self-critical and they approach journaling almost as if keeping a journal is similar to writing an English paper for a letter grade. Women who have this problem need to remind themselves that their journal is part of their own recovery process, not something they are writing to impress others. Other women are afraid someone else will find their journals, and selecting a safe place for journal storage can quiet these fears.

Still others do not want to confront the pain and sometimes the shame of difficult situations or past behavior. Many women gamblers gambled as a way of escaping problems and uncomfortable emotions. Keeping a journal can help the woman in recovery face what is going on in her life and possibly make constructive changes, rather than running away.

As a woman gambler writes about her experiences in a personal journal, she enhances her own self-awareness, and she learns to more readily see options and choices in terms of her thoughts, feelings, and actions in a variety of situations. After writing about and reflecting upon troubling situations, she is often able to lighten her load and let go of them. In reviewing her journal she can see the progress she has made over time. Undoubtedly, keeping a personal journal can deepen the recovery process for women gamblers........ Katherine K. Wilson, Ph.D., NCGC

SPOTTY HUMOR

"The Time I Made the Biggest Fool of Myself." Well, this night ranks in the top 3, anyway. I had been gambling who-knows-how-long. Over the past several months, I had squandered hundreds of hours at the dinky casino. Around 3 a.m. I decided to cash out and change machines, but the slot quit spitting quarters before it finished paying off. I waited as patiently as I could, not interested in any of the nearby machines. I had NOTHING TO DO—an utterly unacceptable situation, as most of you probably understand.

The underfed machine’s sing-song wail failed to draw an attendant and, after an interminable wait, I ventured to the end of the aisle trying to spot an employee. When an unfortunate woman crossed my line of sight, I gestured her over. "I’ve been waiting forever for someone to fill this machine," I complained. Her explanation didn’t interest me, since I considered the delay a deliberate ploy to "mess with me" just because they knew they could!

Did I think I was telling her something she didn’t know when I shouted, "Look! I’m a compulsive gambler; I KNOW how long it takes for somebody to show up to fill a machine!"