Volume No. IV, Issue No. 6                                                     June  2002

                         

What can I tell you about my habit of playing the poker machines? It all began as an antidote to stress and tiredness when I was caught between 2 untenable situations. Working in a full-time capacity for a demanding an unappreciative boss, I had to come home to a husband who shut himself off from me, and to his schizophrenic daughter who always worked against me.

My own dearly-beloved children lived 1200 miles away in the state where they'd grown up; I hadn't wanted to move away from them, but didn't want to lose my husband as we had a dear little boy between us.

On the way home from work I began calling into a local football club, which had a bar and a small gaming room. It felt like home and I enjoyed the sparkle of the machines and the kindness of the staff. It somehow made it easier to face walking through my own front door.

At work and at home I always had an ulcerous burning feeling in my chest; at the club it completely disappeared. Ten years later and my marriage long since over, I'm a compulsive poker machine player. I won't say gambler, because that conjures up images of men with hats on the side of their heads and ciggies hanging out of their mouths hanging out at the racetrack.

I can leave the horses alone—except for Melbourne Cup Day, when EVERYONE in Australia has a bet. I buy lotto tickets occasionally, but only to the tune of $3 per week. I have no interest whatsoever in casino tables—can't even understand how you place a bet on those. But I'm STILL hooked on the pokies, and the initial $5 has grown to sometimes $500 in a single day!

I'm not wealthy; I receive a government benefit. The money I gamble with is my small nest-egg, the amount I've put aside for a house deposit if ever I can get a full-time job to make the payments. I'll be 60 next year, so that's becoming more unlikely as time goes on.

I read a quotation by George Bernard Shaw recently, and it was as if a light had switched on inside my head. It went: "A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: ‘Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time.’ When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, 'The one I feed the most.’"

I printed out a picture of a beautiful collie dog, a Lassie lookalike, and typed underneath "Feed the Good Dog." I stuck it onto my refrigerator where I can look at it several times a day. I picture my evil dog—the one who sits on my shoulder and drives my car into the gambling venue as if I'm in a trance—as the black dog in "The Omen." I'm going to have to give my good dog an awful lot of food to beat THAT one, but I will.

I know I'm going to make it; someday, my good dog will win. I'll be in charge and not be controlled by that black demon, gambling! I send my thoughts, best wishes, prayers, what you will, to all of you who are like me. Every day we do battle with something that other people don't even know exists. I toast you all—keep fighting the good fight, for the victory of one is the victory of all!....................................With loving wishes, Maggie, Austrailia

Step 4 - COURAGE
Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

I believe a member should have at least 3 months in the program before working Step 4. Taking my inventory frightened me the first time I worked through it. I had to remember that I wouldn’t be working this step alone; my Higher Power would be guiding me.

Many booklets are available to help the gambler work through the 4^th step. (Remember, literature created by other 12-step programs provides recovery resources for us too!) My financial inventory was the easiest task. I added all the money I had gambled away, the houses I lost, the job that was gone, and the economic loss to the community from my bankruptcy filing.

If I wanted to rid myself of emotional problems and take a giant step towards humility, I needed to do an honest 4^th step moral inventory. So I took out my pencils and paper and began to write. My sponsor had given me a list of character defects that I carefully reviewed.

Anger, rationalization, lying, dishonesty, resentments, and impatience jumped out from the page. I explained to my sponsor that I felt so unworthy; I felt tremendous guilt from manipulating my family and friends during my gambling days. He told me that when I took my inventory, I should list not only the negative but also the positive aspects of my character. He also told me that writing my 4^th step inventory would take 2 to 4 weeks if I wanted to be thorough.

With the Faith I had acquired in Step 3, I began my inventory without the fear and pain that surrounded me when I attended my first meetings. The inventory began with me and my Higher Power, my family, job, goals and dreams, friends, and other areas.

I was not born with my character defects. I thought gambling caused many of the character defects I listed but with further writing, I discovered many of them had been there for years. If I wanted to change my life, I would have to admit, accept, and take action on making changes.

I believed that if others had behaved differently, I would not have said the things I said or acted in the manner I did. My sponsor reminded me that the inventory was mine and not the inventory of my family or friends.

He encouraged me to continue writing when the inventory became painful or humiliating, and reassured me that I was not alone. I had a choice, I could either complete the 4^th step inventory and gain recovery or skip the step and be satisfied with abstinence.

As I worked through the 4^th step I slowly gained confidence and a sense of relief. I had finally found some answers to questions about my behavior. And I began to believe that my character defects may have caused my compulsive gambling, rather than the reverse! If I worked on eliminating these defects, I would earn peace of mind and serenity.

Doing a 4^th step inventory helped remove denial mechanisms and gave me tangible evidence of the scope of my gambling problem. This step allowed me to begin changing my character and repairing my life. My inventory has meant the difference between growth through recovery versus merely maintaining abstinence. And I have continued to take inventories regularly to provide insurance against a return to gambling. I’m a firm believer in the 4^th step of our Recovery Program! ..........................................................Marilyn L., AZ

More COURAGE - Step 4 Redux

I intended to write on something else, but then I attended our weekly step meeting. Our first week on Step 4! Coincidence, fate, kismet? Call it what you will, in the course of the meeting, I decided that Step 4 was worth a few more words in this issue of WHW.

I’m not the only member of our step meeting who has worked the steps before; during a general discussion regarding how long preparing an inventory should take, it became apparent that opinions differ on that question. The resource we are using for Step 4 offered "only one piece of concrete advice .... If you’re done in less than fifteen minutes, you get to start over." (Hazelden’s Getting Honest, pg. 7) Here, for what they’re worth, are some of my opinions regarding Step 4. "Take what you want, and leave the rest."

How long should it take? I believe that if one is diligent, she can write an adequate Step 4 in 3 or 4 hours. Would you want to do it all in one sitting? I didn’t! And it might have taken more like 5 or 6 hours. I can’t imagine spending more than 9 or 10 hours on a Step 4. If it takes longer than that, save it for the next time! ... Which brings me to the next point.

Is Step 4 a one-time proposition? Again, opinions differ. When my first Step 5 was in progress, I realized that I would certainly be doing Steps 4 and 5 at least one more time. However, in contrast to those who believe one should do an annual Step 4, I believe that if I do my best to conscientiously practice Step 10, I shouldn’t need to do a Step 4 every year. Just one more point.

When we do that "searching and fearless moral and financial inventory," will it pertain only to our gambling days? NO! Negative. No way, José! We sowed the seeds of addiction long before they bore the poisonous fruit that almost destroyed us. Does it make any sense to ignore the past that led to addiction?

When I did my financial inventory, the gambling days certainly produced the most striking and depressing numbers, but doing it showed me a lot more than how much money I gambled away. I discovered patterns of money management—make that mismanagement—that had been standard operating procedure since I was a teenager, perhaps longer. Gambling only magnified these patterns, which had been ingrained for decades.

Most of the negative traits revealed by the moral portion of my Step 4 had also been part of my character makeup since childhood. Even the honesty that I had so prided in myself turned out to be only "cash register" honesty. The character defect I discovered that bothered me most was "manipulating." I realized that I had manipulated the people around me unmercifully in my efforts to have things my way. Learning that about myself was very painful. Much of Step 4 is painful. But am I not better off knowing this about myself? Until I knew, how could I begin to change? And isn’t change what our program is all about?

Don’t embark on Step 4 until you’ve built a rock-solid foundation on Steps 1 through 3. But please don’t deprive yourself of the healing release that only Steps 4 and 5 can produce!.........................Betty C., AZ

We thank the gal from Yuma, AZ, Michigan, and from
Washington for their generous contributions to the Newsletter