Volume No. V, Issue No. 6                                                    June 2003

A SERIOUS PREDICAMENT

My name is Brigida L. and I have been in GA since March 27, 1999. I am Italian and my parents moved us to Australia when I was 2 years old; we became Australian citizens when I was 7. We moved to Boston, MA when I was 16.

I got married, had 2 wonderful children, was divorced after 3 years and remarried after 4 more years. This marriage lasted 20 years, with a lot of moving to keep up with my husband. When it broke up I moved again, to Florida to live with my mom. I was extremely depressed, but I did find a job with a company for which I had worked previously.

The sisters I worked for knew how depressed I was, and one day they decided to try and cheer me up by taking me to a casino after work. I had never been to a casino before, but it didn't take me any time at all to become mesmerized by the slot machines. I had finally found a place where I could mask all my loneliness, feelings of failure and inadequacy. All I had to do was stay at one of those machines and I no longer felt anything.

The only thing I needed was money, and at the beginning I had quite a bit. Between the assets of my divorce and a sizeable accident settlement, I had a nice "nest egg." It took me about 3 months to go through that nest egg. I paid for my daughter's wedding, but when my son asked me for a computer, which I had promised some time before to buy for him, I no longer had the money in the bank. I figured that if I "borrowed" the money from my job I could put it right back as soon as I won at the casino. That win never came and I spiraled out of control for 2 years. I don't understand why it took so long for my employers to catch on; they knew I was going to the casino a lot–actually every night–and they even came with me several times.

I was finally caught. The worst thing I have ever had to do was make that call from the jail to tell my children and mother what I had done; they had thought I just had a very busy social life. I turned their whole world upside down.

I got out on bail, and before I went to trial, I was advised to go to GA, something I had never heard of. There I found compassion and friendship; these wonderful new friends came to court with me 8 months later. I faced up to 30 years. I also had the fear of being deported.

I had not realized how much money I had taken; it just went from the job, to me, to the casino. With the help of my higher power, my friends in GA (close to 20 GA people were in court for me) and a counselor from GA who had taken me under his wing from Day 1, I did not go to prison.

The judge was kind. He believed that since I had never done anything illegal before, and here I was at 51 years of age in such a serious predicament, something had to have happened to me mentally to do such serious damage to myself and my employers. He gave me 6 months of work-release jail time. (I could go to work and to my meetings and then stay at the jail at night and on the weekends.) He gave me restitution to pay, and 30 years’ probation. As long as I make my restitution payments and don’t get into any other trouble, I am allowed to live in the United States with my mom and children, who have been so supportive of me.

These past 4 years have been hard financially because of the large restitution payments; but, emotionally, I feel I am so much more healthy. I have gained a lot of insight into myself and find I need help in many areas of my life that I used to think were OK. Thanks to my many friends in GA and a few others, I know I have become a little more sane and a little more open, where I was once so inside myself.

I know I have a long way to go; I still haven’t really come to terms with what I did. But I do feel a little more comfortable in my own skin now, where I never felt comfortable before.....................Your friend in recovery, Brigida L.,  FL

As I look at the picture of the 2 year old girl, I can’t help but smile. Her blue eyes and dimpled smile hold a mischievous look. The chubby little hands are gently closed and perfectly balanced on her lap. Lace accents her lavender dress and socks. A lavender barrette adorns her light brown hair and a tiny heart locket , a treasure for this very special little girl, dangles at her throat.

And the adorable shoes...black patent leather, shiny on the top, but with well-worn soles; she probably didn’t often sit still in this innocent, perfectly posed position.

I am drawn back to her smile and her eyes. This innocent child is genuinely happy and peaceful, perhaps holding the inner knowledge that this is a very special photograph. This dear child is "Little Betty" and because of her, I have learned the importance of loving myself and have been able to travel my journey of recovery from my gambling addiction.

Six years ago I was in a state of hopelessness. I saw no way to ease the pain from my abusive marriage except to escape to gambling when the pain became too great. My behaviors were self-destructive and hurtful to my 3 young sons, and yet I continued to gamble.

My psychologist and I discussed ways to stop my self-destruction. I was so concerned about stopping pain that I didn’t care about the danger I was courting. As the mother of 3 young children and a teacher, my psychologist knew me to be very protective of my children, at home and at school. She asked if I had any pictures of me when I was a child.

I immediately thought of a picture in my baby book that I had always loved. That is when "Little Betty" moved from a box in my closet to a frame on my dresser. My counselor had suggested that every time I did something I knew would be hurtful I look at that precious child and say, "Would I want Little Betty to go through that?"

For the first couple of months I wouldn’t look at Little Betty and would still make choices that hurt me, but I kept studying that trusting child.

Soon, I connected with Little Betty. When I was in great pain and wanted to run off to the casino or when I was still afraid to leave my abusive marriage, I would look at the picture of me as a happy, innocent child and say, "Do I want to put you through this, Little Betty?" From then on the answer was always a "No!" I couldn’t hurt this child. Little Betty and I have become great friends. Countless times when I have had urges to gamble or a decision to make, I have said to her, "Little Betty, I won’t hurt you." I can’t hurt that little child–me. Connecting with myself through the photograph stopped my self-destruction.

 

It has been over 5 ½ years since I last gambled and over 5 years since I left my abusive marriage. Little Betty and I deserve the best in life!.........................Love, Betty M., Arizona

THE EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

Three months ago, leaving Cliff Castle Casino at 5:30 in the morning feeling nauseous, disgusted with myself for being in a casino for over 11 hours and losing (of course) again, I had a little talk with God. This time, instead of promising Him "I’ll never go again, this is stupid" and all the self-defeating talk that never got me anywhere except BACK to the casino to make up my losses, I got real in my little ‘conversation with God.’

It is an odd sort of thing when you teach others about emotions and yet your own emotions are out of control. So as a spiritual teacher for over 18 years, I decided this time I would practice what I teach others. I got clear I was seriously ill with an emotional problem that manifested itself into compulsive gambling. So that was good; at least I got real with that right away! It was hard to admit I was sick but I had to do it. And then I asked God for help to understand WHY I was sick in the first place.

The next day I called the (800) number on the bottom of my ATM slips, which I had spread out in a large fan on my desk. These slips are still attached to my credit card statement to show me the exact ‘result’ of my illness. I was referred to a website that got me clear that I had all the symptoms of a compulsive gambler. I spent the entire day reading about this illness. I then called a compulsive gambling program in Flagstaff and made an appointment for an outpatient program. And God, of course, was there helping all along because the program was paid for by the lottery commission! Now isn’t that a paradox?!

We have within us an emotional bank account. When this account feels ‘empty’ we act out, through our behavior, attempts to fill this space up. And guess what: when you are empty inside, the result in your bank account in the outer world also is emptiness. Unless you have gotten clear on who you are and address this emotional emptiness inside; there is NOTHING in the world, including gambling, compulsive shopping, or any addictive behavior that will fill this void within.

As a spiritual being, you have experiences. Through these experiences, as a human being, hopefully, you gain knowledge and discernment. Learning is one thing. Applying that knowledge means you change your beliefs about yourself; you embrace the positives and the negatives as great teachers and grow as a person. In applying that knowledge and not repeating unhealthy behaviors from the past, your spirit now evolves. This is the journey, or the dance, of the human spirit.

One of the greatest philosophers of all times said that when we accept that life is hard, it no longer is. You will not need to fill an outer bank account with any addiction when your inner world of emotions is filled with the self-love and understanding of the indwelling God of your understanding. For as you progress spiritually and draw closer to God, He reveals to you more and more wonders of creation. I wish you well on your journey of self-discovery.  Many blessings.......................................Joanna Carroll, AZ