GAMBLING IS IN MY GENES

 

Gambling is in my genes; my mother, father and brother all gambled. I knew at an early age that gambling is a sickness. Every weekend I lay awake listening to poker chips clicking on the table. Poker weekends, plus horse racing during the week, made my parents’ lives unmanageable and mine as well.

Gambling isn’t my only addiction, and in my first 12-step program I started seeing a man who took me to the race track for our first date. In the following two years I learned how to play cards, read the racing form and go to the casinos in Atlantic City. This lasted ‘til 1981.

We married and honeymooned in Florida where we gambled for 8 days and nights on horses, Jai Lai, and bingo. When we came home we decided to call my brother, who by this time had 14 years in GA. We stayed around the program for 2 years but then decided enough was enough. We hadn't stuck to our Pressure Relief plan and had paid the bills off ahead of time.

We went to Atlantic City and swore we would never get as sick as those people. But we fed off one another. On Sep. 5, 1989 at the race track, my Higher Power sat down next to me and asked, "How long is this going to go on?" It was almost time for the 4th race, and my husband said, "You’d better hurry or you'll be shut out." I responded, "I can't live this life anymore; it's killing both of us. I have to go back to GA and get my life in order."

I left the track then and my husband left with me; both of us began a new and productive life in GA, and we haven’t gambled since. I got involved and after 2 years became the first trustee in NY.

When Bill retired, we moved from Brooklyn to Texas where my children lived. My son was very sick, and on Nov 12, 1995 he passed away. I never once thought of gambling or drinking. Thank God. Instead, we stayed very close to our GA family.

I truly miss my GA buddies in Brooklyn where I learned to stay clean by working the 12 steps, a design for living. It was hard here in Houston at first, getting used to how they work the program. But I knew if I kept fighting it, insisting on my way would lead me to the highway. I found a wonderful group. Every week we do one step and after an hour begin a therapy meeting.

If not for GA, I wouldn’t be the kind of woman I am, so I’M A GRATEFUL RECOVERING COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.......................... God bless, Marlene B., Texas

Service work

Six months ago, after a year of attending a regular Wednesday night meeting, I saw the need for a women's GA meeting—a daytime meeting. Following my inner guidance, I found the meeting place, put notices in the paper, and visited other meetings to let women know there would be a place for us. I had wonderful support. Many from my regular meeting applauded me for providing the service. Our Regional Trustee boosted my morale when I felt overwhelmed or got discouraged.

And I did get discouraged. At first a few women came. But over the holidays and after that, I found myself sitting alone in that church meeting room and feeling a range of emotions—anger that all the work was for nothing, taking personal blame for no one being there, sadness, lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem. I experienced emotions that, had I been gambling, I would have buried deep in a chair in front of a slot machine, trying to forget why I felt so bad.

Instead, I sat with those feelings, looked at them, felt them, expressed them. Members from my home group tried to tell me: "Maybe it's the time of day. Try an evening meeting." I got mad. I said: "I don't believe it. I was a daytime gambler and I know how packed those casinos are during the day—with women!" Someone else said: "Don't give up. When I started my meeting I sat by myself for a year and a half before anyone came." I thought, "She has a lot more patience than I do."

In between my frustrations, I saw the temptation to claim some personal fault. My mind tried to tell me, as it frequently does, "See, you can't do anything right." But I refused to believe it. It had all seemed so right. I turned to my higher power. What came back to me, time and again, was that forming this group and moving through this process was for my own recovery. I officially closed the group on the first of February. Not with sadness or blame, but with a knowledge that I had grown in recovery. Service had accelerated my growth.

It doesn't matter what form service takes. Whether it's cleaning out the coffee pot or the cigarette can, or offering a handshake and a smile to a newcomer, the act of giving back solidifies one’s personal growth. I have no regrets—only gratitude for the opportunity to work through feelings that used to drive me to gamble. I discovered I can survive those feelings while sitting alone in a room. I learned that my higher power has a greater plan—to show me that the feelings are transient, that when acknowledged, they pass. I don't have to gamble. Peace remains.

................................. Bobbie S., New Mexico

Fear is an emotion which all compulsive gamblers experience. Basically two types of fear confront us: 1) healthy fear and 2) irrational fear. The compulsive gambler must learn to distinguish between the two. When an individual encounters a truly dangerous situation, she experiences healthy--or realistic--fear. Realistic fear prevents the individual from walking into a burning building or stepping in front of an oncoming car. When an individual who is in no real danger tells herself that her situation is overwhelming, impossible and terrifying, she creates irrational fear. This unhealthy fear prevents the individual from confronting and solving problems.

In addition to the development of a healthy respect for the power of the disease or disorder of Pathological Gambling, the gambler in recovery must face irrational fears about various areas of her life, such as dealing with relationship and financial problems made worse by gambling. As she works the steps with the benefit of wisdom and support from her sponsor and others in the program, she confronts her irrational fears. The Serenity Prayer helps the compulsive gambler to identify when she can do something about a problem and when she cannot. Gradually, she learns she does not have to confront all her problems at once. Fears lessen and problems seem more manageable as the gambler in recovery learns to face problems one at a time, "one day at a time."

........................................................................Katherine K. Wilson, Ph.D., NCGC

SPOTTY HUMOR

Two GA friends, one of whom had just completed her 4^th Step, talked for awhile after a meeting. April had worked the step using a method that required identifying character defects as she wrote her inventory. Like most of us, April discovered that as she wrote about her anger, resentment, fear, guilt, ... ad infinitum, many of the same character flaws showed up time after time. "‘Blaming,’ ‘irresponsibility,’ ‘self-pity’ and a few others. I’m writing them over and over. Come to think of it, perfectionism made a pretty strong showing too." Georgine sympathized with her friend. "You must have gotten tired of writing the same few words repeatedly." "Oh, no," April replied. "After the first few pages, I went out and had stamps made!"