"PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION"

What I know is how to feel bad, but how to not feel the actual pain; I can bury it in some private place.

- I hate "living." It just hurts too much. I have no clue how those I think of as "better than me" manage to live life.

- An overdose has landed me in a mental institution. I've tried suicide too many times.

- I've used drugs to stay alive and appear "normal." Drug maintenance has enabled me to hold down a job, function on a day-to-day basis, rear a child, stay removed from the weight of my baggage and remain behind the protection of my steel wall—25 years of denial. Until now.

- But then, there is my 2nd addiction— gambling.

- I am a pathological gambler. No doubt about it, gambling is one of 2 things that I simply cannot do well, or that I do so very well, that when I do them—drug or gamble—I can't do anything else.

- As my visits to the casino have increased, I find I don't want any infringement on my time. I solo. It is good.

- In the course of time, I've progressed from quarter slots to 25 and $100 machines. My losses have increased but so have my wins. I can't figure out how, with all those wins, I don't have 2 nickels to rub together upon leaving the casino. Though, sometimes, I have a bankroll to lose the next day. Now, I'm caught up in the chase of retrieving my losses.

- My husband left me; I'm alone, scared.

- I hide from my fears and insecurities and doomed future in the casinos.

- Gambling blots out consequences, fears, misery. Reality intrudes only upon leaving the casino.

- On the way home, I think of driving off the road into some wall. Upon waking the next day, I'm off again to a casino.

- I spent 92 days at a casino. Oh, I slept in my car for a few hours here and there until security roused me. I went home every 3 or 4 days to feed my neglected animals, bathe, change my clothes, and head back. I had changed my clothes; no one would recognize me.

- I've maxed out 10 credit cards, and I fantasize about robbing an old lady in the casino parking lot or hitting a 7-11 in some disguise. More realistically, I've planned my suicide. I will drive into the desert with my gun, leave my car, and swallow a bullet.

- Suicide waits. Returning from Harrah's, I've found a GA meeting list and a card on the kitchen table. My husband has spoken of his plight to a GA member he has met on his journey; she has sent a message to a tired soul who needs it.

- I went to a meeting.

- I continue to go to meetings.

- I'll kill myself tomorrow.

- I don't speak at meetings. I am too empty to cry in them.

- I've gotten a sponsor; I need validation.

- I've gotten another sponsor and begun working the steps.

- I've learned that I can cry tears that promote healing, not fear and shame.

- That GA member who gave me the meeting list and the card always says, "We will love you until you can love yourself," when we see each other. I hang onto that, while believing that it is truly an impossibility.

- My husband has returned and our relationship feels healthy.

- I'm beginning to trust, change, grow, become ... better.

- My sponsor tells me, "Now that you know better, you can do better." And I work on that a day at a time.

If I can, you can. An unimaginably sweet and abundant life awaits you beyond gambling, yours for the taking. But you've got to get to a meeting to begin the wonderful journey of recovery and self-discovery. By God's grace and my continued commitment to recovery, I'm trusting that I've experienced my last suicidal drive home from a casino. I have to continue to get to meetings to stay on the recovery highway......................Lora L., AZ

         BUT THE WORST......

I'm 43 and was raised in a household that looked upon gambling as a sin. I placed my first bet back in 1990. With my first husband and family, I had gone on a cruise, where my husband showed me how to play cards. I had fun.

I didn't gamble again until after my divorce in ‘93. I live in Little Rock, and it was a 2 ½ hour trip to the new casinos in Mississippi. I don't really remember, but I probably only gambled 1 or 200 dollars the first few fun trips to the casinos, 2 or 3 times a year.

You know the story. The trips became more numerous each year, and my losses climbed higher with each trip. Gambling still wasn't a huge problem until the late 90s. By then I was going at least once a month. I remarried in ‘99 to a man I love dearly. He and I have been together since ‘95. He loved going to the casinos with me and enjoying the perks. He's one of those people who can gamble "normally." He can play for an hour, and when he wins he walks away.

In 2001 my husband cheated on me. I began to gamble heavily, rather than deal with my emotions— although at the time I thought I had. Though I made a lot, I sometimes didn't have grocery or bill money. I was going to the casinos at least twice a month and sneaking away without him knowing. The casino trips were becoming a problem with him because if we went over for the weekend I gambled nonstop. We never enjoyed even so much as a meal together.

By July of last year, 2 to 3 trips a month to the

 casinos wasn't enough, so I began gambling every day on the Internet. In September I told my husband I believed I was a compulsive gambler. I also told him I wouldn't gamble any more. But I lied.

The eye-opener came in early December. I had accounts with 2 banks, and I was kiting checks back and forth between the 2, utilizing the float time. One of the banks caught on and refused to accept a legitimate deposit. They told me they wanted the account canceled. It was an account that my husband and I had together, so I had to tell him.

I lived in fear for a few days that I would be arrested, and I was mortified for my reputation in the community. But the worst was what it had done to my relationship with my husband. At that point I realized I had to address my problem.

I attend the one and only GA meeting in Arkansas, here in Little Rock, weekly. I haven't missed a meeting since my last bet on 12/12/02. My meetings, along with the WHW e-mail support group, have been instrumental in my recovery.

When I began working the steps, I went from abstinence to recovery. I am presently working diligently on Step 3 and have set a goal date for completing Step four.

 

I love my life in recovery now; it's like stepping out of the dark and into the light. I give all of the credit to God..................

                                                                  Cindy C., AR

    STEP SIX  -  WILLINGNESS

When we take the 4th Step we learn a lot about ourselves, all of which provides valuable insight we need to continue to progress in recovery. Our inventory provides the material from which we can compile a list of traits that need to be changed, our character defects.

In Step 6 we put that list of negative character traits to use. Working the 6th Step consists of reaching a state in which we have become "entirely ready to have these defects of character removed." On the surface, it would seem to be a given that we would be not only ready, but EAGER, to have our character defects removed. Would that it was that simple! We human beings just aren't comfortable with change, even when it's change for the better. We like to stick with the status quo. We've operated in a certain way for most of our lives. Even after proving that our previous way of taking care of business didn't work—we got trapped in a downward spiral of addiction that made our lives unmanageable—we are still reluctant to change. We're USED TO our character defects! Perhaps, even fond of a few of them.

Becoming "entirely ready" consists of seeking and embracing the willingness to give up those defects of character we've become so comfortable with. And, YES! When we follow up on Step 6 with the next step of the Recovery Program, we WILL have to learn new ways of getting things done. Embrace that concept, as well; the OLD ways didn't work all that well!

How does a compulsive gambler in recovery "work" Step 6? Take a look at those negative character traits your inventory revealed. You might want to start with the one that cropped up most frequently, or perhaps with the one that most damaged your relationships with those you're close to. Make an honest evaluation of the effects of THAT trait at work in YOUR life. Ask yourself, "Will I be better off if I hang onto this character defect, or if I become ready to have it removed?"

You'll want to follow the process with all the traits on the list. You'll probably conclude that you'll be better off if you exchange most of them for a positive character trait, but it's very possible that you'll run into one or two that you're reluctant to give up. If you're sure that having that character trait removed would be best, ask your Higher Power to help you become willing.

It's conceivable that, even recognizing a character defect for what it is, you still believe that you'll be better off hanging onto it. If you find yourself in that situation, I would only suggest that you maintain an open mind, regarding whether you need that trait.

As much as any step in our Program, Step 6 requires the honesty, open-mindedness and willingness the Combo Book identifies as the "key words in our recovery."