PRINCIPLES BEFORE PERSONALITIES

Issues that test “principles before personalities” arise all the time for me – within a meeting, outside the room, at coffee after a meeting, in sponsorship situations, at mini conferences, at social events, at Intergroup.

Unity Step 12 says “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of the Gamblers Anonymous program, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

How is anonymity spiritual?

The Combo book tells me that the word “spiritual” means qualities such as kindness, generosity, honesty and humility. Anonymity allows me, first and foremost, to be humble. I am no more important than another member, no other member is more important than me – we are all equal. This is the essence of humility. In the world, I may be a prolific singer, highly-paid athlete, famous film star, even president of the U.S. but, in the GA program, I am simply Pam K, an individual who is powerless over gambling. Anonymity allows me to be honest – to speak openly about my behavior, actions and feelings in a safe place so I don’t have to carry a burden of guilt and shame. Anonymity allows me to be generous – to share with others what I’ve learned about the program, about recovery, and about myself. Anonymity allows me to be kind – to forgive myself and have compassion for others who suffer from this illness, many repeatedly and with progressive deterioration.

What does “principles before personalities” mean?

This phrase reminds me to focus on the message, not the messenger. Every person who has a desire to stop gambling is welcome in GA. “Principles before personalities” reminds me to pay attention to what is being said, regardless of who’s saying it, because every member has a right to speak. And because personal recovery depends on group unity, every member also has a right to be heard. If I measure the value of the words I hear by how I feel about who’s speaking, or how much abstinence they have, that tells me I’m placing personalities first. If I ignore someone’s words because of a negative opinion I’ve formed of them, that tells me I’m closing my my mind to a message I may need to hear. If I automatically give weight to the words of someone I admire, that tells me I may accept their message without question or examination. In these situations, I’m failing not only my fellow members, but myself.

How can I learn to place “principles before personalities”?

I must align myself with the spiritual qualities of kindness, generosity, honesty and humility. I must work the Recovery steps, which support me to change myself, and I must embrace the Unity steps, which teach me how to deal with others. The Unity program asks me to place the principles of the program first. To the best of my ability and with the help of my Higher Power, I must be willing to base my decisions, actions and behavior on those principles, one situation at a time.

Here are some examples from my experience:

Example: I notice that a group member repeats the same therapy each time he/she speaks. I become increasingly annoyed with him/her.

If I place personalities before principles: I complain about it to other members to get their agreement. I roll my eyes or leave the room when the member speaks. I change meetings to avoid the member.

If I place principles before personalities: I keep an open mind. I listen with “new ears.” I look within myself to the real source of my annoyance, rather than blame the other person.

Example: A member tells me that another member has been seen gambling but continues to claim abstinence and celebrate milestones.

If I place personalities before principles: I gather “evidence” of who, what, when, where. I mention it to others in the group to get their opinions. I report “our” suspicions to the room secretary.

If I place principles before personalities: I ask to be excluded from the subject. I suggest the member look at why he/she is choosing to participate in gossip. I say the Serenity Prayer.

Example: During therapy, a member directly accuses me of monopolizing therapy time and proselytizing.

If I place personalities before principles: I respond directly to that person in the meeting. I leave the meeting in a huff. I canvass other members for their opinions. I demean the other member’s recovery.

If I place principles before personalities: I examine my therapy behavior. If necessary, I make adjustments and amends. I pray for the other person to look within herself for the real source of her anger. I accept her apology.

Example: My sponsee’s anonymity is broken maliciously and purposefully by a fellow member.

If I place personalities before principles: I confront the member directly. I talk publicly about her by name to “warn” others of her nature. I encourage my sponsee to leave the program because it’s not safe. I demand that the offending member be banned from GA.
If I place principles before personalities: I pray for the offending member, my sponsee and myself. I ask for guidance from my Higher Power. I counsel my sponsee to put her recovery first. I speak often in therapy about the importance of the Unity Steps, especially Step 12.

Again, how can I learn how to place principles before personalities?

Follow the suggestions set forth in the Combo book, using pages 1, 4 & 5 (Recovery Program), 6 & 7 (Unity Program) and 17. For a deeper understanding, read the “red book,” A New Beginning. Practice, practice, practice and, as Page 17 advises, “Be Patient!”

Pam K., Arizona

      CO-DEPENDENCY AND THE THIRD STEP


As a child, my world was a tumultuous place. I learned early on, it was not a safe place to be. No atmosphere of nurturing; but rather neglect. The disease of alcoholism gripped my mother and my father. My dad, a charismatic excitement seeker, eventually found his way into womanizing and compulsive gambling. Neither found recovery and probably did suffer incomprehensible demoralization. As an episodic or binge drinker, I believe my mother also suffered with bi-polar disorder.

It was my job, therefore, to keep everyone else safe or we would all certainly perish, including me. I became a hyper-vigilant youngster and hell-bent on controlling my environment. This was not a job for a child, especially an only child. Of course I failed and even had to endure incest at the age of 5 perpetrated by my maternal grandmother’s foster son. Forty years of stress took its’ toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I crawled into my first 12 Step Meeting in 1981 at the age of 47.

Seven years later, after many hours of Step work and therapy dealing with panic attacks and anxiety, I was ready to face the demon still nagging at me. I was in a relationship with a man suffering sex addiction and compulsive gambling. By the grace of God, my unhealthy relationship with my husband helped me to heal the relationship or the lack of a relationship with my father. That work was the hardest I’ve ever had to face. At the same time, a miracle brought me to the rooms of GamAnon. There I was, facing the second generation of this disease.

I believe what saved my life while I went thru the process of ending a 23 year marriage was the third Step and its’ prayer. Until GamAnon, I had never really gotten hold of and worked the Third Step. I heard someone say at a meeting that will is about thoughts and life is about actions. It finally clicked for me. The Tenth Step is another very important part of my recovery and I actually look forward to taking it at the end of every day. Also, Acceptance is definitely the answer to all my problems.

Today I am facing generation number three of this disease. My son is suffering a gambling problem and I feel grateful to have a program to which I can keep coming back.

To the GamAnon newcomer, I would say bring your baggage and you’ll find a supportive, safe, nurturing and caring group of people to be there for you while you unpack from that trip you’ve been on. And. . . you’re worth it!

In the Spirit of the Fellowship, Bonnie, AZ

(If anyone is interested in writing to Bonnie with questions about GamAnon, drop me a note and I’ll forward it to her e-mail address.)
 

       RAIN SOAKED MY PARADE                         
 

As I approach my first year anniversary and association with WHW I felt it fitting to write my first article with intent to provide hope to others and some insight into my journey thus far. A year ago rain soaked my parade. I was so deeply driven by gambling, that I unknowingly disassociated from; life, reality, my family, my God and from all my core values. I pawned my soul. I destructed and/or diligently maneuvered anything in my path that could possibly obstruct my ploy to gamble. Being a transparent progressive illness, gambling inevitably broke me down, raped me of once sacred morals, self esteem, my beliefs, my values, and of any genuine emotional feelings. It was then that on my hands and knees I checked into a treatment centre and begged for my life. Life had become too painful to endure. This progressive illness I call “the beast” was about to slay me, needing only one more dagger to do me in forever.

I slept the first 15 days on top of my covers in the treatment centre, completely dressed and ready to go… convinced I would fail the program and they would ask me to leave. A month later when I left the facility, I was so upset because on one side I feared relapse and on the flip side I felt so safe there…my life was so uncertain, and wasn’t sure if my family would even look at me. They armed me with a counselor, understanding the need in reaching out, GA info in the area of my home, a list of phone buddies in case I got an urge, all the tools I learned in session and 2 newly developed life plans to guide me through the journey of recovery. Both plans were designed to accommodate a gamble-free lifestyle. One was with and one was without my treasured family since at this point, how could I possibly neither believe nor expect them to forgive me and all the terrible deceitful things I managed over the past 3 years of heavy compulsive gambling. I had no family support; they were reeling with their casualties, pain and the horrible consequences of my illness. My survival solely depended on myself and on the dedicated professional people I had been blessed with.

With bravery, determination and courage that I never thought I had, and my heart in my hands, I got on that train and went home to face the realities of my life and the consequences of my actions. One of my lifelines was WHW since apart from my professional help; this network was a resource that I could honestly share feelings with… that no one else in my life could possibly or expect them to understand. I met the most wonderful, supportive ladies on this earth and we have encouraged each other to pursue healthy living for the past year. In the past year I have relapsed 4 times, and each time managed a commendable job of badly beating myself up about it. Each relapse taught me a huge lesson, and enabled me to reframe parts of my life that I have now identified as being matters of lingering unfinished business.

The persuasive triggers are the ones I had to make blockades in order to avoid duplication of future relapses. (Like admitting that money is a component of the drug of choice and handed over my finances to a trustworthy person, pre-programmed/synchronized online advance bill payments, cancelled debit card entirely. etc). Some triggers I couldn’t predict …like when I received an unexpected check in mail which for me…..resembled a powerball lottery windfall. (I no longer pick up any mail) Having succeeded in applying my tools from the treatment centre, my friends at WHW and dealing with the appearance of those occasional ghosts hidden in the closet, I find life easier to contend with, but never let my guard down because the beast lurks for the tiniest opportunity to enable me to gamble. My story so far sounds like a strategic war plan……….and that’s exactly what it is!! So, in so far I have not earned a G.A. one year pin………but feel as though I've earned a self acclaimed “purple heart”. Today I am determined to be able to replace; my mental impulses, my auto-pilot habits, and raison d’etre …with a solemn promise to be honest with myself, and am committed to progressing with baby steps, a day at a time. Haven’t relapsed in a long long time....and as life unfolds I remain dedicated to my cause and to all WHW members. Over the past year I have collected sayings that console me on days I struggle and hope these will help you too…………Why? We found ourselves lead in a wrong direction, on the wrong pathway, with a progressive serious illness, Dare to be Different, Past is a reflection…future yet to be realized, Don’t look back on shame, you are not going that way, Dreams: you can’t comprehend? …maybe someone special is beyond the bend…Let go, Surrender and Move on, Life is passing by….live each day like it’s the last, Take courage, have strong faith, and resilient determination. When all else fails give it to a higher power, Recovery doesn’t have to be so miserable and agonizing, reach out and seek help.

In closing, I want to share with you my ambitions as I continue to rebuild on my newly structured modus operandi. In one year time I will provide you all with another update……What has failed, must be accepted but replaced with new action and concept. Believe that life can be better than I can imagine. Understand that dreams are limited by the level of standards we mindfully invent; Dreams can be realized beyond our realm of envisions. Develop Life Strategies: Consider them as a conceived foundation and realize there are boundaries that can be expanded and may result in a euphoric experience.

May you be blessed with serenity, peace of mind, and a dose of strength to carry on……

JEJ, Canada
 

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