For twenty years, I owned an insurance premium finance company funded with my capital, plus that of commercial lenders, family and friends. Loans were backed with my assets, accounts receivable and notes, which were signed by my husband and co-signed by me.

In 1981, doctors diagnosed my husband with the onset of Alzheimer's. He hired an office manager, so I could nurse him and still maintain the business. Regularly, government agencies, lending sources and independent CPAs audited the corporation.

The office manager became like a member of the family. When my grandson was born, this man had entwined himself so much into my family that he was named 'godfather' to my first grandchild. He bought the baby a wooden rocking horse and had a baby-size jockey outfit made for him.

An audit in March, 1988 revealed that the office manager had embezzled approximately one million dollars. The audit led to the office manager's suicide and my husband’s attempted suicide. My husband was permanently institutionalized until his death.

My only debts were the notes mentioned above. I sought new capital until 11/89, when I had to file for corporate and personal bankruptcy. I lost my primary home, my vacation home, my car and some of my family members, who have had nothing to do with me since they lost money in the embezzlement.

The office manager had been a compulsive sports gambler. At that time I did not know what that meant. When he killed himself, the death affected my family and I like the loss of a son.

I lost a 20-year successful business and my reputation. Because I was the only person left, "they" thought I was a co-conspirator. To this day, I am accosted by people who still think I had a hand in the events that precipitated the bankruptcy and the collapse of my business.

I had to move out of the area, since I had death threats against me. I had to obtain a concealed weapons permit, buy a gun, and learn how to shoot. I cannot obtain professional licenses in some states and with some companies because I was involved in a bankruptcy.

I lost the love of my life, my husband. For awhile, I lost my children and grandchildren. To this date, over 14 years since the culmination of the embezzlement, nothing is or ever will be the same.

" I just don't feel like it." Reason or excuse? Doesn't matter. We can treat them both the same way and not get stuck in ruts. Know that if you are fighting, not just a bad mood, but real clinical depression, help is available. The rest of us just need to take it one day at a time.

How many times have I not done something I needed to do because I just didn't feel like it? I should put those clothes away, I should clean the kitchen, I should go to a meeting, I should finish the laundry ... the list goes on and on and on.

At certain times–during the holidays, beginning of the school year, family vacation looming– the need to get it all done just seems more intense. But what of those fighting depression, addiction and gambling concerns? Those who, on a good day get some things done and others started ( never finished), and on a bad day get little done and feel all the worse for it.

What do I do when I don't feel like doing anything?

First, understand this is a common feeling many of us have, some more than others, but common nonetheless. Second, DON'T give in to it. Do not let that feeling become the theme for your day. Third, consider taking smaller bites. I can't get the whole office cleaned up, so I give up. I can't get all the laundry done, so why bother?

Do ONE thing. Just one thing, not two, not three. Just one. Sort the darks and lights, or put the load in the machine; don't start it. (Then you have to finish it.) Just put them in, ready to go, when you are ready.
Go into the office, bedroom or kitchen, and do one thing. Put away one book, hang up one shirt, wash one cup. Just do one.

If we can find a way to not let inertia take over–if we can stay mobilized enough to do just one thing–then we can gradually see the real ease in doing two things, three things ... without the wall of perfect or ideal expectations looming over us. Without small steps feeling inadequate and futile.

I put away several books, emptied the waste basket and picked up all the loose pens laying about in the office. It wasn't all neat and tidy, but it was better. The next day, I did some filing (just A thru C) and dusted a few things. The next day and the next day. By the end of the week, the office was done.

All the laundry might not get done in one day, but it can all get done, one load at a time.

Does that phrase sound familiar? The idea of taking one manageable step WHENEVER ANYTHING seems unmanageable is a tried and true way to grow.

Take small bites; be good to yourself; don't stop trying. Do just one thing today.

Write in a journal; draw a picture of anything; listen to good music you like; exercise a little–a wonderful energizer and a natural way to fight depression and the blahs. Call a friend; do a good deed for someone else; smile in the knowledge you are not alone. Your Higher Power is always there, and so are our sisters in recovery. All there, ready to help, chat, comfort, and support anytime. Like the Nike commercial says– Just Do It.