Volume No. VI, Issue No. 5                                        May 2004

 

 

6 Months, 3 Weeks & Counting

Well, I’ve finally got some recovery under my belt; I have been abstinent for 3 weeks now and know it’s because I started writing to everyone on the WHW Network. I started last year but did not want to ‘commit’ myself, just in case I wanted to give in and let my obsession take over my life again.

I opened myself to everyone, afraid that I might not have the right ‘attitude,’ or ‘angle’ to be accepted and might be ridiculed for the things I might share. Boy, was I in for a shock ... not only did I not get put down or ridiculed, but I’ve had some wonderful e-mails from some very caring people who have accepted me no matter what I’ve done. They actually listened to what I had to say and found they had something in common, or just let me know that what I wrote touched them. The replies gave me cause to think of how many related incidents we share from our experiences, strengths, hopes and fears.

I’ve been in many different 12-step programs before, searching for answers to questions that I’ve had about WHY I am the way I am, or why I do the things I do to myself. I can’t seem to ‘FIX’ whatever it is that I keep breaking inside me, trying to destroy myself. I finally decided to take a different approach and not ‘try’ to do or be anything—just try to find the authentic me inside and let her out. I try to share the things that happen to me with honesty and humility and turn it over to my HP for the ‘results.’

I sort of feel as though I am free falling and have the confidence in this to land on my feet. Digging through all the rubble of my past and the barriers I’ve placed all around me has been the hardest part of my program. If I keep trying and not think I am going to win or lose something, but let go and let God take over, I just might find the peace and serenity I seek. This is what the members of the Network have helped me to see. Thanks to everyone.......... Georgia V., Arizona

 

    

 Shedding the Past

"We are never divorced from our past."

When I saw the above words in a forwarded e-mail ‘daily meditation’ ... boy, they really struck me. At first I had to disagree. Sometimes, just to be able to live with myself, I have to tell myself that I am NOT my past. My past—some of it my bad choices, some bad choices that were not my doing—well, if it were my husband, I would not only seek a divorce, I would hire a hit-man to eliminate the problem altogether!

My past has shaped me into who I am now; there is no doubt. But it is my newfound ability to shed the past, like an old skin that has grown too tight, that has allowed me to step out into a brave new world. If I allowed my past shame to be a part of me, I would not be able to accomplish all that I am.

I let other people define me for too long, and their definitions were all based on past failures. I have lost, but that doesn’t make me a loser. I have stolen, but that doesn’t forever brand me a thief. I have lied, but that doesn’t mean there is no truth in me. I have failed, but that doesn’t mean that I am without hope to succeed.

They say that those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it. But those who live in the past don’t get a chance to repeat it ... because they never leave the past behind!

My past pretty much sucked. I don’t want it anymore. Life isn’t easy, and I guess a lot of us have pasts that we regret and injustices that were waged against us. Since this life is not paradise, it is inevitable that there will be more regrets and injustices. The best I can do is let go and try to live each day without creating new regrets—and without allowing resentment to run my life.

Thanks to each of you on the WHW E-mail Network for your thoughts each day. Every day a little more is revealed to me through each of you. I pray for you all every day, and you have become an important part of my life.

If you all only knew what a heathen I was in the past! If my old gang could see me even acknowledging prayer, they would laugh their butts off! How ironic that I had to lose everything to gain EVERYTHING.

                                            Much love, Christine T., South Carolina

 

  Getting the Help You Need 

   by Connie Hillman

Individuals talk themselves out of getting the help they need—your addiction in action. You need to know that your disease will do anything to keep you in its grip. Denial blinds individuals to the reality of gambling’s effect on their lives. Irrational thinking enables a person to rationalize and justify all the chaos around. Remember, the addiction is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful; and I like to add Jealous and Patient. It wants nothing more than to keep you where you are.

Though I am not a pathological gambler, I have personal experience of 12-Step meetings. I am not a proponent of ‘shopping around’ until you find a Gamblers Anonymous meeting you are comfortable with. It’s a great way for any addict to set herself up for relapse or continue to ‘compare herself out.’ Shopping around is self-sabotage. In reality, most individuals have no idea what they are looking for. GA is a program of ‘principles before personalities,’ not a social club. The program’s goal is to facilitate abstinence. It may take 6 to 10 meetings to begin to understand what the meeting is all about.

My suggestion for the newcomer is to listen, listen, listen! You just may hear something that will keep you abstinent for the day, until the next meeting, or for the week. Zero in on individuals who have some abstinence, and connect with them. Get to the meeting early, and go out with members afterwards. You might be surprised at the connections and friendships that could develop.

Use the phone list and get a sponsor, even someone temporary. And be sure it’s a woman! I realize that this may be somewhat difficult, but it is possible.

Women have been the cornerstone of my recovery. Often, meetings have more men than women, and men seem to have the longest periods of abstinence. But take it from someone who has been there; we women can be more dishonest, manipulative and convincing about ‘having it all together’ with men. We spent most of our lives learning to perfect this behavior, which is detrimental to our recovery.

The reasons for having same-sex sponsor are many, not the least of which is less likelihood of ‘blurring’ of boundaries. It is easy enough to put someone who has some abstinence on a pedestal, even though most in this program don’t want to be there. ‘Hero worship’ can lead to making the relationship more than it should be.

Another very important reason for a same-sex sponsor? Who knows a woman better than another woman?! A sponsorship relationship may be the very first time you have ever formed a long-lasting, honest, and completely intimate relationship with another woman—someone who truly cares about you and accepts you with all of your ‘flaws.’ For these same reasons, I highly recommend that one of your regular meetings be a women’s meeting.

My other major recommendation is a Step Meeting. The Recovery Steps are the foundation of the program. Understanding how and then working the Steps will give you a new way of living and change your perspective on the world.

Finally, this is a spiritual program. You need something outside of yourself to guide you through the process. Some individuals struggle with the words God and/or Higher Power in the program. I will leave you with something I heard from an ‘old-timer’: "All you need to know about God is you ain’t Him."

       Connie Hillman is Program Director at Addictions Counseling in Phoenix, Arizona.