Hello there: I've enjoyed talking with you and other women in recovery as their struggles and successes have strengthened my resolve in my daily challenges to remain prayerful as I face my 28 months of incarceration arising out of my gambling addiction to slot machines for 10 years. I have been clean since August 4, 2004 giving all credit to God, Project Turnabout in Granite Falls, (an inpatient gambling treatment program in MN, GA and Gam-Anon. While I'm turning the page to a new chapter in my life, it's extremely difficult to think of the loss of a six figure income, a public servant as a judge, a law license and the reputation and grief I am causing family, loved ones, and me. I pray that God has plan B in store and that it will involve helping others to achieve sobriety, inner peace, self-love and forgiveness and a closer relationship with one's higher power in the recovery program. I give all glory to God for helping me because without him/her I would be dead.

What does a person with 3 adult children, six granddaughters and a loving partner/significant other do when preparing to enter a "temporary residence" (TR)? That's my new term for prison. Well, I had the house cleaned today as though I am taking an extended vacation and not wishing to return home to a dirty house. I got this thing from my Mother. I am also letting go, i.e., downsizing material things that painted a facade that all is well with me, such as an excessive amount of clothes, jewelry, shoes, purses, evening gowns and household items. Obsessive compulsive disorder comes in many forms and I will be working on this defect the rest of my life.

Before the boats came to Kansas City, I over shopped, ate and was in and out of dysfunctional relationships. It was like I was possessed by some demon. I'm also taking care of legal/financial matters. It occurred to me that I have no reliable and trustworthy adult in my life but my significant other, Ray. The gambling addiction was a severe blow to him. He was completely in the dark about the hell I'd been hiding from him. But he's faithfully attended Gam-Anon and has been a solid rock of support in every way imaginable. And believe it or not, he's a retired associate warden from the Federal Bureau of Prisons. He has been somewhat informative about this but the bulk of his experience involved male institutions.

So I made a list of important matters that he will handle in my absence. I consulted an estate attorney, an accountant and tax and bankruptcy attorneys. Anyone facing incarceration may want to consider seeking advice regarding real estate matters, autos, durable power of attorneys, tax issues and custodial care for children and other related matters to ease the transition and legally transferring authority to a trusted individual to handle such affairs while absent. While a pressure relief plan may address some of these issues, once incarcerated the plan is virtually moot. I cannot imagine what it's like for those in the military to be unsuspectingly shipped off to war with little notice and have to resolve all these issues. But remember they have a support system to handle all of this and we may not. I suggest that anyone facing these issues get help immediately. There are compassionate professionals who will help. I appreciate your continued prayers and support.

Many blessings, Deborah, Your sister in recovery. Wherever you are. . .God Is.

Deborah N, in a Texas prison.
 

  "I've decided it's up to me"

Six years ago in January 2001, I wrote my first story for WHW titled "Both Our Hearts". Today as I attempt to put together another story for my good friend Marilyn, it dawned on me that I have not changed much . That makes me sad, however, I have still not gambled; that makes me extremely grateful.

Yes, I have moved on to another place and time in life, another geographical state, but I have not changed. Sure I learned how to be grateful, learned forgiveness, humility, most of the things you’re told you need to "get" in the 12 step program. I have program growth, but I'm talking about individual personality growth. Perhaps if examined closely that is what is wrong with my life; I have no life.
 

I lost my husband of twenty years over the arrest, gambling, money, lies, and eventual divorce. This was followed by the loss of my precious children, death of my grandmother and mother, and I feel empty. The lights are on but nobody is home. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, but continue to put it off until tomorrow. Tomorrows are going to run out eventually. Either I'm going to grow too old to attract someone or I'll die. I tell myself I'm too shy to put myself out there but am I really? Or am I afraid, afraid of trusting again and getting hurt like all those other times where I was left abandoned with feelings of rejection and unworthy of being loved. I might also add that I'm bipolar which doesn't help matters.

It's easy to give someone the old advice; "it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all".  I'm not sure I buy that one. Some of us don't trust easily because of abandonment as a child, or childhood sexual abuse, or physical abuse or some other reason. When we do finally trust someone enough to love them we love hard and deep and after that trust has been broken a few times, we tend not to offer our love easily again, if ever at all. For me, in the back of my mind I continually hear this voice that tells me that it is safer to live alone than take the chance of getting my heart broken again.
 

I have decided it is up to me to make changes in my life for myself. To think and expel more positive energy in everything I do. With the belief that what you put out in life (space) is what you can expect back (how people react to you). I will force myself to go to restaurants and establishments alone if necessary (which I would normally never do). I will try to do opposite of what the "old" personality would sit at home and do (nothing) and instead have a little fun.
 

Ricky B., Oklahoma
9 years in recovery                                 

      

Gripped by Gambling.  

I have a new website with information about my book  www.grippedbygambling.com.   The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life.  The book is available on the online bookstore, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3.  It is also available through: Amazon.com / Borders.com, BarnesandNoble.com, BooksAMillion.com and many more. It  can be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking  the book. Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

 I want to enjoy life again.

I sit here again wondering why I do what I do. Why do I? I don’t really know the answer to this question, a question I regularly ask myself. I don’t know why I feel the need to sit at a bar and play an illegal poker machine. Wasting dollar after dollar, with the hopes of that one big win. Big wins that I have won before, but only after having spent thousands of dollars and turning around and putting the money back into the same evil little machine. Is it really worth the time that I have wasted, the money that I have spent, the dignity that I have lost, and the respect that I no longer have? I constantly ask myself these questions while sitting through another evening wasting money I don’t have.

I know that I can stop, because I have before. But what will it take to stop it for good? I try and not go there, but the boredom of going home to an empty house scares me. I try and remove ways for me to get money – leaving my ATM card at home and only taking one check. But then they allow me to put money on my tab, which they know I will pay. I have never bounced a check, why would I start now? My pride wouldn’t allow it. Therefore I will have to figure out ways to cover these checks. Thank goodness the owner only cashes them once a week. So I know that I don’t have to think about it for another week. Then I can always write another check to cover the previous ones until I get paid the following week. But then what bills will I neglect that pay period? Is it not bad enough that I had to file bankruptcy? Is it bad enough that the mortgage company once started the foreclosure process on my home? Is it bad enough that people only know me as the girl who plays the poker machine and when I don’t play they wonder why? Is it bad enough that my nights are devoted to sitting at a machine that doesn’t care one bit about me? Is it bad enough that I leave my dog at home by herself for hours at a time? Is it bad enough that I lie to my friends and family about the time I spend there as well as the amount of money? No, none of these reasons seem to be enough to quench my desire but tonight I have had enough. Tonight is the start of my new life. I want to be free of these desires, which I am sure will never go away, only ease with time.

I want my life back – I want to stop taking sleeping pills at night. I want to enjoy nice evenings during this summer, my favorite time of the day. I don’t want to lie about where I have been and how long I have been there. I want to play with my dog. I want to be able to spend money on myself, a pedicure sounds great right now. I don’t want to
worry every day about whether my checking account has enough money. I want to be the productive employee that I used to be, not worrying about how I am going to cover my checks! I want my LIFE back!

How will this happen? I have to learn to be strong. This has to be my priority in life. I have to learn to not go the bar, not play the poker machines, and limit my access to cash, not carry my checks, and not ask them to put money on my tab. I want to smile and actually mean it. I want to do my home improvement projects. I want to enjoy time with my family and not worry about whether or not they may have found out my dirty little secret.

Sometimes I sit here and wish that I were addicted to drugs or had a drinking problem. Then the people in my life might see the signs and be more understanding. They would be supportive and be there for me. But as it stands right now, I keep it hidden expect for a few close friends and family members. I guess sometimes I wish everyone knew and would work with me on taming this beast!

Can I do this? Yes, I can! I have no choice in the matter – if I don’t, my life, the little one that I have, will no longer exist. How long can a person live in this secret little world that I have been living in for the past three years. I want to enjoy life again.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and only I can make a difference!!

Kelly from Michigan
 

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