Volume No. I, Issue No. 9                                        November 22, 1999

      RELEASED

In the July issue of the Women's Newsletter, Charlotte B. sent us her story from prison. She gave us permission to use her last letter before her release and I quote, "...I was told the plane I was to fly home on would be stopping in Las Vegas but when they went to buy my ticket, that plane was booked and I'm flying United instead which has a layover in Denver. I know that was God protecting me as I'm sure being around those slots would have been too tempting.

"A few gals in here have admitted to gambling problems. I put some GA literature in the Day Room and it was gone the next day, so I know there is a need for GA material and meetings here... I will keep in touch with you when I get home.".......Charlotte B."

PS: Charlotte is at home now, has a job and is enjoying her family and freedom.

The Power of Our Own Understanding

To a man who said, "I don't believe in God," a friend of mine said, "Tell me about the God you don't believe in, maybe I don't believe in that one either." Has it occurred to you that before we can "turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Power of our own understanding," that we must have a very clear notion of the characteristics of that Power? hat one either." In reworking the twelve steps, I was recently asked to write down characteristics of my Higher Power. I believe in God and here is the God I believe in at this point in my journey. I don't believe God has changed, just my understanding of God. Therefore, my understanding is likely to change some more providing I keep growing. For now, this is the God of my understanding.

God Is:

Ever present- always with me

Unconditional Love

The Good

Present in all Things and Beings

All Wise and Available for Guidance

Growing

Providing inspiration, comfort and protection

One who Brings Order Out of Chaos

Compassionate

Non judgmental

Patient and never gives up on me

In me

Providing Everything I Need

Providing Enough of Everything for Everyone

Creating Miracles

Loving Me

Leading Me to Love Myself

--This is the Least God Is

by Paula Burns

RACKING UP RECOVERY

 

My family and friends may have forgotten where I was--and why--eight years ago, but I must never forget it. I can clearly remember the pain and confusion of my gambling days. At times it seems like yesterday and other times it's like an eternity has passed since I last gambled. Before compulsive gambling, life was good to me. I lived in a beautiful home, loved my family, and had a great job. I didn't get up one morning and say, "Gee I think I'll become a compulsive gambler."

One weekend I drove to Reno on a bowling tournament with my friends and won a couple of jackpots. At first it was fun, but within a few months gambling took control of my life. I didn't believe I had a real problem because I only gambled on weekends. But I discovered after joining GA that during the week I constantly thought about my weekend escape to the casinos. Toward the end of my gambling I began to hide not only my losses but my wins as well. If I left the casino breaking even, it was a wasted trip. I began lying and cheating. I told myself I wasn't hurting anyone; it was my money, and I deserved to "get away for a few days." Life was a constant battle between racing to Laughlin each weekend, feeling guilty on the way home, and then planning next week's excursion. The 3 hour ride to Laughlin on Saturday mornings and 3 hours home on Sunday nights--and the insanity in between --became my lifestyle for 7 years.

My tremendous guilt forced me to build a wall around myself so no one would know what I was doing. What a terribly painful secret to carry alone. The only thoughts I shared were, "I almost won the big one; I had two sevens in a row and the third one was just ready to join them. I know I'm going to win--this machine is ready to pay off." I became an "almost winner." Whenever I bought a gift or any item, the cost was figured as "a rack or two" or "a rack and a half." I never used the word dollars.

I had access to the company's checking account and when I had run through all my money, I began forging my boss's signature on checks. Over a period of years, I embezzled a huge amount of money to support my gambling habit. When my crime was discovered, my lawyer suggested I turn my home, my retirement, and my life savings over to my victim. He told me I could be sentenced from two to twenty-four years in prison.

Because there were no GA meetings where I lived, I moved to a city two hundred miles away, while waiting for my sentencing. After I had attended meetings for five months, the courts notified me of my sentencing date, and several GA members drove the two hundred miles to support me in the courtroom. The judge sentenced me to the minimum of two years and at the age of sixty-one, I experienced four police officers slipping handcuffs on my wrists and escorting me through the prison gates.

While incarcerated, I spent ten months writing in my diary and examining my character defects. Beneath many layers of denial and lies, I found the real me and today I love the person I have become.

My priorities today are: to not gamble, "One day at a time," to be honest and opened-minded, and to give back to the GA program what was generously given to me. Today I can hold my head high. When I look at you, I see you; and when you talk to me, I hear you. I couldn't do these when I gambled. My coping skills have grown and I no longer need gambling to survive challenges. Today my highs are from natural sources and not from gambling and my greatest high is watching a newcomer grow in the program. And I know that I can do anything I want to do today--except gamble. I have a great relationship with my higher power and I don't need to pray for the "big one" or "just let me get even and I'll quit." And I don't ever want to have to stop gambling again.............Marilyn L., AZ 

CHOICES

Do you choose the person you want to be each day, or do you spend most of your life justifying the person whom you have become? Do you take responsibility for your behavior, or do you find really good reasons for the actions you take?

In this day of therapists, program, and analysis, most of us would have no trouble explaining our daily decisions. I bought this house because... and then we list the reasons, pro and con. But did you really buy the house for those reasons? Or did you buy it because you made that decision from the center of the person you have chosen to be--and subsequently found reasons to justify that choice?

Did you smoke that cigarette because your daughter got in a car accident, or because you chose to smoke it? Did you break your abstinence (take that drink - make that bet) 'because' you lost your job, 'because' you had a fight with your partner, 'because' you have no partner,'because'...'because'... 'because'...??? Were your 'reasons' responsible for your behavior? Or were you an opportunist, grasping at your 'reasons' to justify your decision.

Much of the time our reasons are logical, sane, and well thought out, but if we believe that we didn't create the scenario for our actions, we are fooling ourselves. When all is said and done, we wake up each morning and make ONE choice -- we choose to BE the person we are, then all of our subsequent activities result from that ONE choice.

Why are we overweight? Because the food was calling to us? NO! We are overweight, because we choose to be an overweight person. That answer is obviously the truth about us, because if we woke up choosing to BE fit and healthy, all of our activities surrounding food and exercise would automatically reflect that choice!

It is necessary to claim the truth of who we ARE, before we can begin to choose whom we want to BE. Until we take full responsibility for the choices we have made in the past, we will continue to make feeble attempts to justify behavior that does not serve us well in the future. When making your next decision, consider choosing to BE instead of to DO. .........Denise S.
 

   SPOTTY HUMOR

A couple of years ago, a GA brother created a stunning visual image of the insanity of the compulsive gambler's behavior. He said, "It was as if I had strapped myself to the back of a whale ... and thought I was in control!" Animal images of our common enemy abound. How many of us remember a ravenous tiger named Urge To Gamble gnawing at our guts? But if we continue to add tools to our recovery toolbox, we can cut our adversary down to size. Now, a goldfish, we can handle!