Emotionally Drained

Hi. My name is Arnalee S. and I am a compulsive gambler. I have not gambled since May 14 1999. I live in Montreal, and our wonderful government decided to legalize gambling. We are the proud owners of a beautiful casino. The day they started to build it, I knew I was in trouble. I had been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City and loved the action.

I was living in a very unhappy marriage and gambling became my escape. I worked full time, was always home for my two children, and kept up all my responsibilities. I was a closet gambler and gambled during my free time. This was usually once or twice a week.

In the beginning I loved it. I won, lost, won again and then, of course, started to lose more than I won. I was a machine player, often playing two machines at a time. If I’d had three hands I would have played three at a time. I started to chase my losses and felt like I was in a gambling trap. I never considered myself to be a compulsive gambler.

On April 9,1999 I had hit rock bottom. I was emotionally drained and had taken money from our business. I just wanted all the lies and the roller coaster ride to stop. I decided that it was finally time to end my unhappy marriage and to stop gambling. So, I came out of the closet and told my husband and kids everything. I then went to a divorce lawyer and started proceedings. I turned a lot of lives upside down for a while.

I came into G.A. with the help of a friend. I then found out and accepted that I am a compulsive gambler. GA has given me back my life. It has helped me to stop gambling and by working the 12 steps daily, reading the serenity prayer, and giving back I have changed my life.

I opened a women's meeting over a year ago. The support was weak, but we did have many powerful meetings. Unfortunately, this meeting is now closed. I will try to start another one up in the spring. This time I will try to hold it once a month instead of weekly.

The women in Montreal seem to have a difficult time staying in the program. I can only hope that one day they too will share in the same recovery that I have been blessed with. I have made amends with everyone and my children and I are closer than ever.

I have also met and have fallen in love with a GA member. I know this is not recommended, but it is working for us. We can share honestly and openly anytime, all the time. How lucky I am! I wish everyone a happy 24 hours and peace of mind.

Understand Yourself Rather than give in to any power of your addiction that you wake up with in the morning, treat yourself to an impartial piece of paper and bold ink pen instead. Anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, insecurities: All are feelings attempting to tell you something. Feelings try to get your attention in order to help you understand yourself better, to really know who you are and what you are about. For the most part, many of us do our best to stay away from uncomfortable feelings. We seek ways to ignore ourselves and the life predicaments we get ourselves into. Thus, our addiction of choice becomes a mirage to relieve our anxieties. The mirage calls to us to follow it into the void of nothingness, where no person or thing exists except emptiness itself. If, before we succumb to the mirage, we stop for a moment and check in with our most intimate thoughts and feelings, we can discover more about ourselves. One area in which we may come to understand ourselves better is intimacy. Intimacy is often misunderstood. Our society has sexualized it. Thus, in common language we ask, "Have you been intimate yet?" implying, "Have you had sex yet?" Most of us have had sexual experiences looking for intimacy, but ended up feeling empty instead. True intimacy is first to know yourself. Who are you? What is this fear or that fear about? Why, after so much work on yourself, do you still feel insecure and depressed? When are you ever going to stop being jealous? Writing out these personal and private thoughts helps get the clutter out of your head. You have better self-understanding because you've looked at yourself in ways you've never looked before. Seeing these feelings for what they are motivates you to take action regarding them. Journaling your feelings allows you the opportunity to run toward yourself rather than away from yourself. Among other benefits, journaling helps you confront your addiction. You know that your addiction is a disease. It generates resistance to personal intimate feelings. The disease prefers to activate itself in your system rather than allow you to face all that angst you woke up with this morning. So, as part of your lifetime recovery process, why not make facing your feelings through the art of journaling a daily tool to assist you in holding onto your internal community, the intimate self? You are the most important component of your recovery. Take yourself seriously. Listen to your private, intimate feelings. Allow yourself the luxury of time and reflection to maintain your commitment to fully live your life.            Bobbe McGinley, MA, NCGC, Clinical Director Addictions Counseling: Treatment

Healing the Hunger - Part II

As promised last month—Part II of recovering compulsive gambler Paula's account of her participation in a group led by Mary Richardson, co-founder of Co-dependents Anonymous, CoDa. Paula takes up where she left off.

...Almost immediately, Mary suggested that we simply needed to change most of the ways we thought about ourselves! As easy as that! Fortunately, she suggested a way to start.

1. We were to make a list of all the negative messages we carried about ourselves—the ones we began collecting from childhood. "You're selfish." "Your fat thighs are genetic and you just can't help it." "There will never be enough food, clothes, love." You know. That stuff we believe about ourselves. I spent weeks compiling my list. I looked in my fears, my anxieties, my anger.

2. When I found a message that still ruled me, I created a denial. I slipped that denial in my God Box. (I use last year's red Valentine box, taped shut with a slit cut in the top, to deliver anything I want to let go of to God.)

3. Next I write a positive affirmation to counter that negative message. Many of my messages centered around "scarcity," my fear that there wasn't going to be enough. The first affirmation I wrote was this: "Abundance is flooding into every aspect of my life and I accept it with joy and gratitude. God will always provide enough of everything." I bought a new journal especially for this purpose. I am up to 37 affirmations and still identifying fears and negative thinking that motivate me to write yet another.

4. Now it was time to make my own affirmation tape. I devised many ways to procrastinate, but finally I retrieved my tape recorder from my son, bought batteries, found a blank tape, and made time to just do it! It is the greatest gift I have ever given myself. I listen to my affirmations in the morning, in the car, before I go to bed. "Life is a joy and filled with love...." I left enough silence between each affirmation for me to say "Yes," or "And so it is." "... I spend money wisely and well and save for a bright future. Everything is working out for the highest good for everyone concerned. My body is seeking its perfect, healthy weight and will effortlessly maintain it when reached." And so on for almost 7 minutes!

I believe I was ready to do this work when Mary suggested a way. Though I had read about the power of positive affirmations for years, apparently I was not ready to act upon it. So much good has come into my life recently. I feel it is the bounty from seeds planted over two years ago when I put this plan into action. As St. Francis is quoted, "Pray for carrots with a hoe in your hand." Once I became open to the good I had planted and watered, I was able to begin the harvest! I go forward with confidence that my journey will continue to be a healing one. As Oprah says, "The future is so bright it blinds my eyes." And so it is....................... Paula Burns