Volume No. V, Issue No. 11                                  November 2003

    

 BACK ON TRACK

                     I am 33 years old and have been gambling since the day I turned 21. At first, the casino was just a place to go when nothing else was going on or for a special occasion. I quickly learned that it was a place to go to escape all my worries and troubles.

The casino soon became my best friend. I finally had a place to go where no one could hurt me or tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing. Gambling was my safe zone.

Since I lived with my parents until I was 25 and didn't have rent and such, I had plenty of money to keep me going. When I finally got married, my husband traveled and was never home. To pass the time, I gambled.

After I married, a lot of childhood issues came up. The resulting discomfort made me want to escape even more, so I didn’t have to think about or deal with the past. After a few years I ended up in a divorce and isolated even more. I finally got into counseling and going to GA meetings for awhile.

I moved to the other side of the USA 2 years ago, leaving my family, friends and support system behind. Even though I miss them lots, that was the best move I ever could have made.... Except for the fact that I started gambling again and stopped my counseling.

I moved to the west coast, where I had access to several casinos, 10 months ago. My grandmother died, and my best friend was in a domestic violence relationship and was murdered. So I went back into my safe mode and tried to escape by sitting in front of the machines. I know those are issues I must deal with instead of pretending my grandmother and best friend are still alive. I’m writing this on the day I banned myself from the casinos in my area. At the moment, I think I feel like I have lost a best friend by banning myself. But I know that gambling was slowly going to ruin my life if I didn’t do something. I want more than anything to get my recovery back on the right track and will take whatever steps necessary to do that. I have not worked my steps like I know I should have, but I know they work if you work them. I joined the WHW Network, and I need the support from this group. I thank the women I have contact with on a daily basis. I appreciate each and every one of you........ Kass M., OR   

SOMETIMES GA DOESN'T WORK

I've exchanged a couple of e-mails with a woman who has tried GA and determined that it just won't work for her in her struggle with compulsive gambling. She is an Atheist and has received the message from GA that the program simply can't work for her if she can't turn herself over to a higher power. (I'm relating her experience as she perceives it.)

She wrote inquiring if this newsletter had any means of connecting her with other women who can't use the GA Recovery Program because of its higher power element. I'm passing her request on to you because, as any compulsive gambler knows, we ALL need all the help we can get in battling this addiction.

Not all of us are partnered with a supernatural higher power. If, like the fellow-sufferer on whose behalf I'm writing here, you are seeking recovery without a supernatural higher power, this article is directed to you. If you are of a 'like-mind' with the woman I've been in contact with, please consider establishing a connection with her.

If you feel the two of you could be of help to each other, please send an e-mail to me (link below). I will forward reader responses and addresses to her. Please do NOT respond if, like me, you have a belief system based on the existence of a supernatural higher power. Her GA experience has convinced her that she can't make progress towards abstinence in that type of environment. And she is as entitled not to believe as I am entitled to believe!

Keith Piercey of Corner Brook, Newfoundland, Canada sent the following. Susan’s letter appears in its entirety, with excerpts from her parents’ letters interspersed.

Dear Marilyn,

Thank you for your response. I’ve attached two other letters. One was written by our daughter, Susan, at the end of her stay at a second addiction clinic. The participants were asked to write about their personal feelings on gambling. The second was written by my wife, Catherine.

July 23, 2003

~~Susan: You were once my friend allowing me to escape into your world with only a small price to pay (or so I thought).Your lights, music, flashing screens made me retreat into my fantasy world away from reality, time and friends. For a long time you filled an emptiness inside me, and didn't ask for much besides money. You let me sit for hours, never questioning, always with a promise of maybe the next spin.

—Catherine: Her problem started as soon as these machines were introduced into this province. She started gambling all of her student loans. Later, she held down three jobs in St. John’s to sustain her habit. She did not have a drivers licence and, since she gambled all of her pay cheques, she had no money for bus fare or cabs. She ended up totally wiped out physically and came back to Corner Brook. We then sent her to an addiction centre in Ontario for a month. I believe now that was like a vacation for her and was not helpful.

~~Susan: I stayed and played on your empty promises and lost not only money, but my soul. I lost me sometimes while being mesmerized by your offer of more. I sold my soul to play your game, you never judged, ever ready to accept my money. I always knew that you would be there when I was stressed, hurt, frustrated or just plain lonely. I came looking for love and acceptance; that and much more was taken from me.

—Catherine: Every pay day Susan would gamble her entire pay cheque. She stayed at home so she did not have very many expenses. She borrowed from finance companies and had student loans to repay and these companies were continuously calling for payments. My bank account was wiped out twice.

~~ Susan: I lost my self-respect, I lost my trust in me. I lost dignity. I no longer trusted my feelings. I just became numb, oblivious to the hurt I was causing my family and myself. If you would only let me out of your clutches and allow me to reclaim my life, without constantly fighting to stay out of your grasp. Your grip is unbelievably strong, still trying to tempt me back into this insidious illness. I want to beat you, yet I know you will patiently wait for me to fail so that I will run back to you. Isn't this what I have done for years?

— Catherine: We could not leave cash or cheques in the house. She stole cheques and credit cards from her grandmother and just about cleaned her out financially. Cheques and cash were stolen from relatives staying at our house. She sold everything that she owned that could possibly be sold and things that she did not own, including a gold coin set that my father had given me when I got married. She returned Christmas gifts purchased for other people to the store and got the money.

~~Susan: I have to let you go, you've hurt me more than anything or anyone in my life. You made me reach depths I thought were impossible. You, with my assistance, turned me into a liar, a thief and a con.

— Catherine: Things got progressively worse, and she took money she did not have in the account out of an ATM at a local bank. The bank laid charges and the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary (RNC) became involved. Even that did nothing to instill any fear in her of what might happen. Her court date was scheduled for sometime this fall. The pending court date still did not stop her from stealing and gambling all of her money. So many people tried to help her.

~~Susan: I never thought I would be 30 years old going to court for fraud and writing bad cheques.

— Keith: We have many letters written by Susan ("Dear Me") that steadily address her gambling problem.

— Catherine: I’ve never experienced a feeling quite like the one that came over me when I was told that the RNC were on their way to my office, looking for me. My husband had tried to reach me by phone but my line was busy.

After spending time with friends the evening of July 23, and certainly not indicating anything to them, Susan tried to kill herself that night. She must have realized there was no way out and no hope of ever beating those VLTs. We would later find out that between Monday and Wednesday of that week she had stolen and gambled about $1000.

Keith had gone to our daughter's bedroom and found her unconscious after trying to kill herself with a large dose of medication. She never regained consciousness.

Susan was 31 years of age. She was a beautiful, intelligent girl who always had a smile and a few words for everyone, no matter who. She adored her niece and nephew. Susan was always concerned about other people's problems. But she had a big problem of her own—gambling and VLTs.

— Keith: Last week we found an article on the Internet regarding gambling on VLTs in Quebec. It said data now shows that at least one gambler in the Province commits suicide every two weeks.

— Catherine: We pray for others who may have suffered and still may be suffering the same as our family has done.                                       

Susan Jane Piercey

March 17, 1972 — July 28, 2003

May she rest in peace.