Compulsive Gambler,

The Silent Addiction, Part II

 

After several episodes of his disappearing and returning with no money I knew that I had to do something if we were going to have a place to stay and food to eat. I got a job and I also came up with a plan that worked for quite a while; I started doubling the cost of our bills and the cost of grocery, and he never questioned me. I think that he was happy that I’d gotten a job because maybe I wouldn’t expect him to shell out as much money. On the day that he’d get paid, the phone would ring off the wall, it was his co-workers who gambled with him. He continued to disappear every payday and now it was much longer and the results were still the same, he was broke. I didn’t know how to stop him and I didn’t want to leave him either, but it was beginning to cause me physical problems, chest pains, headaches and depression.

The depression and chest pains was so bad that I finally went to see my doctor hoping that he’s give me something to ease the stress I was experiencing. Instead, he asked me what was causing me to be so stressed and I confided in him; when I finished telling him what was going on, he told me that medication would ease some of my depression, but the rest was up to me. His advice to me was that I needed to look at how this was affecting my health, and the consequences if I didn’t take better care of myself. I left his office angry and devastated with no “solution”. It seemed as if he was telling me that I needed to leave my friend and I couldn’t.  He needed me and I was determined to help him with this problem.

I started dreading his paydays because the phone didn’t stop ringing; it was his co-workers calling him to see if he was going to meet them at their regular place, a gambling shack (he’d not found the casinos yet), and of course he’d leave and promise that “this time he wasn’t coming back home broke”, but of course that was another broken promise. Finally, after numerous days and nights away from home and coming back with two or three packs of cigarettes and a large coke he confided in me, he told me that he’d found out why his co-workers would call him on payday; they knew how trusting he was and they used loaded dice which is why he never won. This is when he decided to go to the casinos and it was downhill from there.

 

Patricia W., Texas   (This is part two of a three-part article from Patricia.  Be sure to read all three.)

    

      Roslyn Corney
      Professor of Psychology
      University of Greenwich
      Bronte Hall, Avery Hill Road London SE9 2UG, UK.
      Telephone +44 (0)208 331 8926
      Fax       +44 (0)208 331 8905
                                      E-mail   r.h.corney@gre.ac.uk

I am conducting research on women who gamble on the internet, their experiences, stories and the impact on their lives. My main focus is to talk to women from the U.K (the study is funded by the Responsibility in Gambling Trust, a U.K. charity).  I am a researcher in the Department of Psychology and Counselling, University of Greenwich.   
If any woman would be interested in talking to me, either by email or by telephone, could they email me at R.H.Corney@gre.ac.uk.   All details will be kept totally confidential. I will write a report (but without names or identifying characteristics) which will be made available to the government and other interested groups.  Participants can also receive a copy if they wish.
 
I do hope women will take part.  I am having difficulty recruiting participants but it is so important that womens’ views and experiences are heard.  

Thanking you in advance,

 

Roslyn Corney
 

     50th Anniversary of

    Gamblers Anonymous

I was fortunate to be able to attend the GA Conference in Los Angeles, October 5-7, 2007, along with more than 1000 members. It was four days of camaraderie, spirituality, workshops, hugs, and laughter. The workshops were great! Members came from all over the United States and Canada. There were visitors from Germany, Ireland, Scotland, England, Sweden, Australia, Korea, Mexico, Nigeria, France, Italy, Poland, Switzerland, Africa, New Zealand, Guatamala, and several other countries. I renewed friendships from ten or more years past. If you ever have a chance to attend a GA Conference, be sure to make plans in advance. The Conferences are held twice a year in different states each time. The next one will be in Oregon in April of 2008.

  NEW ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  GA SISTER FROM SCOTLAND

Hi every one, my name is Ann Marie and I am a member of Paisley Gamblers Anonymous in Scotland. I have been in G.A. since February 1996 and I said then that it was the best decision I ever made and it still is to this day. I will tell you how gambling took over my life and that of my family, for I could not control my urge to gamble every day and through that my family suffered.

I remember going to the fun-fair with my Parents and Brothers and Sisters. It came once a year at holiday time. It is important for me to say at this point that we had very loving Parents, even when things were not too good at home. We would get some money to spend on the penny machines and if we won anything we could do as we pleased with it. The rest of my siblings would save theirs but not me, I had to go on and try to win more. While they had fun on the merry go rounds my Mother and I would stay and play the machines, she liked to play them also. It never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with this, I also remember going to the bookmaker for her when I was five or six. When we all got older our Parents would encourage us to pick a horse when there was a big race, and if we won again we could keep the money. My siblings would save their money but I would try and win more. As I grew older my Mother started taking me to the Bingo, at first it was just for prizes and it was great fun, little did I know that would lead to cash Bingo, dog racing, arcades and all types of gambling.
 

I had a couple of kids and we lived with my family, I did not get out very much, only when my Mother took me with her to the Bingo. My gambling was getting bad even then, for I would plead with my Mother to take me with her, saying that it was just to get a break from the kids but the fact was I loved the Bingo. Then I met my Husband Iain when I was twenty and was married when I was twenty one, we will be married thirty seven years this November and we have five sons all together.

Iain did not like me going to the Bingo so for a long time I did not gamble and surprisingly I did not miss it. My husband Iain worked away from home so I had the kids to look after but when our youngest went to school I found that I had a lot of time on my hands. I would go into town, at first to window shop, then I found the arcades and boy did I go to town. Iain was away so I could do as I liked. I would rise at 6.am do my housework before the kids got up for school, prepare the evening meal then get the kids off to school. All this so that I could get to the arcades as early as possible and spend the whole day on the machines. When it was time to pick up the kids I would get a taxi home and pick up some more money. Ian would leave money at home in case of emergencies. That is when the lies started. I got myself a job telling Iain I was bored and he agreed as long as I was home for the kids when they came home from school. The job I found was in the arcade (Pure Bliss) now there was no need to hide any more, the fact was I just wanted to be in the arcade.
 

I never got into debt, always paid the bills and the mortgage but the thing I did cut back on was food. I went from shopping in M&S to the cheapest of the cheap that is when my family started to suffer. As my kids got older and started to work I would take money from them, like my Sister they threatened to tell my husband but I knew that would never happen. In the end gambling got me so mixed up, my mind was a muddle and eventually I had enough.
 

I made contact with G.A. and you know the rest. It is the best decision I have ever made. I have got me my family back and best of all I have G.A. in my life.
 

Marilyn I have read your book, I found it to be so true, the things you said, it was if you were telling my story, you are some Lady.  I also work in the G.A. office with Tommy and he is some man he does a lot of work for the Fellowship as does Matt, Jim.C. Eddie and Iain.  The only reward they ask for is the privilege of carrying our message to those who still suffer.
 

This is the best education I have ever had and it will continue as long as I continue to work this Programme.

Ann Marie, Scotland
 

 

DOES THE SIZE OR MAKE-UP OF A GROUP MATTER?

I’ve noticed that some people just go to all meetings, as many meetings as they can and the make-up doesn’t seem to matter to them. But for me the size and make-up of a group matters. I understand the concept of going to as many meetings as possible and staying engaged in the process of recovery with groups, but to be quite honest, for me I would rather (and thus choose to) go to meetings that are women only and I prefer a smaller group.

To begin with I find that I relate to other women in recovery a great deal better than men. I have a true belief that as in most parts of life men and women do think differently, do have different needs and processes and to be quite honest, selfishly I say that I become internally impatient when listening to men and their struggles. I feel women listen and communicate more softly and deeply than do men and this is what works for me.
The trick is finding a women’s group that has enough women committed and engaged to sustain meeting weekly over an extended period of time. The make-up of the group is only important in terms of having a mixture of women some who have just started their recovery and others who have been successful in their recovery for years. I call the second group my “recovery elders”. As we all have seen in any groups we attend, the dropout rate is so high for gambling addicts who finally get to a meeting that the “recovery elders” tend to be the stability of the group and guarantee me, a relatively new member, that the meeting will be there next week and the week after, which in turn helps me in my recovery.
Additionally, I believe it has been very helpful for me to meet with women who have had other addictions in their lives and have been successful in those step programs as well. It has caused me to realize that I must focus on healing from this horrible illness instead of transferring it to yet another numbing addiction. In doing so, I must really focus on my recovery process instead of just counting the days to understand, surrender and take charge of the root of the problem.
How do other women feel about the size and make-up of their groups? This is just one opinion, what’s yours?
 

Deanna, California
 

raised in a tight-knit Baptist church-going family

Hi my name is Brenda and I’m a compulsive gambler. You would have never thought anyone like me would turn out to be one of the biggest gamblers you would ever want to meet. I was raised in a tight-knit Baptist church-going family. Although my family looked the part of a loving family, my mother is the meanest person I have ever met in my life. My childhood consisted of her beating me and putting me down. My mother hated everyone telling her how pretty I was, until one day she said to me, “You’re going to become one of the prettiest women I have ever seen,” and she hated me for it. I grew up, went on to college and my main focus was trying to get someone to love me. Little did I know that would be years to come if ever. One terrible relationship after another with always the disapproval scowls from my mother. Then finally one day the man who was going to love me and finally my mother approved of, walked into my life, I thought I had hit the jackpot. The first year was exciting I thought he was a challenge. After all I was based on everyone else’s word, gorgeous! I thought maybe he was just trying to give me a hard time you know play hard to love and boy oh boy, did I want him to love me. Every Friday I would wait for him to come home after he got off work. I did every thing I could to make him want to run home to me but he never did. Instead, over the next 3 years he broke up with me 4 or 5 times and twice he put me and my daughter out of the house with no where to go. Every time he broke up with me he always come running back, telling me he loved me and couldn’t live without me and like the biggest fool, I always wanted to believe in him. Once I was back in his home I was determined to make it work so therefore no more complaining for me if he wanted to go out without me, I will just find me something to do.

I started gambling in 1995 when the casinos came to Windsor and that was just over the bridge. I thought O.K while he’s out doing his thing I will take 20 dollars and have a little fun. I was 26 had a great job and moving up the ladder of success. I no longer cared what he did. I had found a new friend, the casino. Before long I found myself sneaking away, lying about where I was going. For the next 6 years my life became a living hell. I lost my house, my car, my dignity and respect and my relationship. The more I prayed the harder it became for me to stop. I was making 100,000 dollars a year and I gave it all to the casino. I had to borrow 20 dollars from my mother every week to get thru the next week. My daughter suffered. She was 5 when this madness began. I thought of all kinds of ways to get money for my hustle as I called it. The more I won the more I wanted. I still attended church every Sunday, broke after getting paid thousands of dollars every Friday.

One day April 18, 2002 I was watching television and they begin to talk about problem gambling. I had heard it all before and I had called many times but never attended a meeting. I walked thru the doors of GA the following day and cried like a baby in front of complete strangers that understood my obsession and felt my pain. I lost everything except my daughter and my job. I hit rock bottom. I thought life was over. I was facing some legal trouble with check writing and I was worried about killing myself. GA had to work and it did. I was learning to live again and life was beautiful. My daughter and I finally had a chance to live normal. I bought us a beautiful new house, a brand new car and I gained my respect back.  I met the most wonderful man in the world and finally got married, life was too perfect. Then one day last October it happened. I went back, no reason just went in and it has started all over again. My car was repossessed and I told my husband it was stolen. I have gambled every dime. It is now my daughter’s senior year and I am back at it. The lies are horrible. I went back with a vengeance. I’m gambling as if I never stopped and the pain is back. I know I need help. I’m baffled as to how I could do this to me and my family again. I did so well for 4 years. I was so proud of myself, now the shame has returned so deeply, so sadly I have turned my life into a living hell. Everyday I wake up I think how am I going to shake this. I’m killing my self all over again. Still trying to answer that same question, who can really love a person like me?

Brenda, Michigan
 

Gripped by Gambling.  

I have a new website   www.grippedbygambling.com  with information about my book.  The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life.  The book may be ordered from Amazon.com,  and all on-line books stores or directly from the publisher, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3,  It may be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking  the book. Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

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