~ A New Pair of Wings ~


It was the first day of July 2000 when I came stumbling through the door of my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I was an absolute wreck, filled with self-loathing and self-pity, and enough hopelessness to fill the entire room with doom and gloom.

Six years in gambling hell had taken its toll. I was bankrupt emotionally, financially and spiritually. My twelve-year marriage was in ruin, I was drowning in debt, and guilt, shame and remorse had taken up permanent residence in my heart and soul. Not a big surprise, really. After all, there was plenty of room now that every last moral and every last shred of dignity had vacated the premises!

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a good night’s sleep. Night after night after night, the shadows at my bedroom ceiling had tormented me with their relentless, ice-cold whispers: Your husband will never love you again… You are a pathetic excuse for a human being… You are a stupid, stupid woman… Even God hates you!

Mercifully, those cruel voices were stifled on July 1, 2000 when a woman with brown hair offered me a smile. It was as though she had placed her hands over the very mouths of my demons and forever silenced them! I don’t think she realized the incredible power behind that seemingly small gesture of hers; her simple smile truly was the glorious ray of hope I’d so desperately needed. There is no doubt in my mind that God works through people… I saw his compassion in the eyes of that woman, and I felt his tender mercy in her smile. It was like healing balm to my broken spirit.

And so my recovery began… hopeful and healing, painful and tedious, blessed and joyful, rip-every-strand-of-my-hair-out frustrating, enlightening and spiritual, why-why-why-on-earth-me, blissful and amazing, and, last but not least, this-can’t-be-frickin-happening-to-me!!! Regardless of the ups and downs, being on this new emotional roller coaster ride was a heck of a lot better than the merry-go-round of madness I’d just spent six years on!!!

Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Look at meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
I’m freeeeeeeeeeee!!!

And apparently still a little insane. But that’s okay! Recovery is a lifelong journey. Besides, being completely “normal” seems rather dull, don’t you think?

Gamblers Anonymous is not perfect. It is, after all, made up of thousands of broken men and women with a thousand different issues. And some are sicker than others. Over the years I have learned to focus on the positive and leave the rest. When I am working hard at my program, diligently climbing those twelve blessed steps of recovery, it is much more difficult for people, places and things to intrude on my serenity. I do my best to apply the twelve steps of recovery to every aspect of my life. This gets easier and easier, as practice makes ‘perfect’. I use this term lightly of course. After all, it is difficult to become perfect when every time I humbly ask God to remove a shortcoming (character defect) it seems that he immediately replaces it with another! I’ve come to understand that I will never be perfect, at least in this life, and that the continual process of working on myself and allowing my Higher Power to make the necessary changes in my character only brings me closer to that amazing place called SERENITY.

I have had my share of negative experiences in GA – personality clashes with other members, a hurtful experience with a male member, my trust betrayed on several occasions, and a myriad of other difficulties, but really and truly, these experiences pale in comparison to the amazing gifts the program has given me. The return of my dignity, the ability to laugh and enjoy life again, a closer relationship with my Higher Power, the strength and courage to make amends… to name just a few. I have an incredible Sponsor who has been there for me through thick and thin, and many other awesome friends who have been faithful and loyal and a whole lot of fun to journey with. Gamblers Anonymous is a powerful program that will help anyone to recover from a gambling problem if only they will put in the effort. Gamblers Anonymous helped save my life, and for that I will always be grateful.

I came stumbling through the door of my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting on July 1, 2000, and it was there that I found a new pair of wings. Today I soar higher than I’ve ever soared before. The wind at my wings: my Higher Power, my Sponsor Cindy S., my amazing & forgiving family, and my many GA friends who soar alongside me.

THANK YOU GOD!
THANK YOU GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS!
THANK YOU SPONSOR AND FRIENDS!
THANK YOU FAMILY!

~ Joan S, Alberta Canada    (Joan is the author of "A Place Where Weeds & Roses Grow." Check it out under "Suggested Reading" at the left hand side of your screen...)

  NEW ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Compulsive Gambler, The Silent Addiction
     
You can’t smell it, you can’t taste it and you can’t get in trouble with the law for doing it unless you are doing something illegal. The “it” is compulsive gambling; it’s one of the most devastating addictions that one can experience, and everyone who comes in contact with the gambler is affected. Unfortunately, society doesn’t see it as a problem; their recommendation is that you learn how to gamble “responsibly”. That’s a good idea, but it’s utterly impossible for the compulsive gambler. How do I know this? I lived it, I suffered through the highs and lows and I lost my best friend, my husband.

When I met my best friend who eventually became my husband and I couldn’t understand how this good-looking, hardworking intelligent man could be single. He was very respectful and had the kind of personality that made everyone love him. He had a very good job and went to work every day and sometimes he’d work on weekends. What puzzled me was that he rode the bus to work, he lived with his parents and he was always broke. And, yes I’d loan him money to get to work, and I eventually let him move in with me, after all he had a good job and “I wouldn’t have to struggle any more”.

Our first month of living together was beautiful, he never hesitated to tell me what an awesome woman I was, that I was the best thing that had happened to him in years and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then, without a warning he disappeared, he was gone for two days and I was devastated. I thought that he’d decided that he didn’t want to be with me any longer, and that he’d found someone prettier and more intelligent than me. Finally, he came home and had no explanation for why he disappeared. He didn’t want to talk and he went straight to bed without explaining where he’d been, and he didn’t even hug or kiss me as he normally did. When I tried to question him he didn’t want to talk, his response was “we’ll talk once I’m rested” (we never talked and I didn’t pressure him for an answer, I was just glad that he’d come back home).

The next time that he left he was gone for a week, it was the day he’d gotten paid; he didn’t call to let me know that he wasn’t coming home or that he was OK, he just showed up with no money. While he was gone I decided to talk to one of his best friends and I was shocked when he told me that my friend was a gambler. He said my friend was always broke and this was the reason that he lived with his parents. My first thought was he could afford to gamble because he had a very good job, but he needed to learn how to leave some of his money at home. So, being the good controlling wife, I came up with a plan for him to gamble, but still have money left over for us to pay our bills, buy food and to go out every once in a while if we wanted to.

He finally came home and this time he looked depressed and he had on the same clothes he had on when he left and he hadn’t bathed or shaved. I told him that we needed to talk, that I knew what was going on and that I had a plan. I felt so good presenting this plan to him and I thought that he’d be happy to know that he could still gamble and have money left over. I was wrong. His response was that he didn’t need a budget that he could handle his own money. I was both devastated and angry, but it didn’t make him change his mind. This is when I knew that I had to come up with another plan, and knowing that he wouldn’t talk to me I decided to write him a letter. My first letter was telling him how much he was hurting me, that I loved him and wanted us to be together forever, and that if “he loved me he’d stop destroying our relationship”. As I wrote this letter, I was careful to not say anything that would make him mad nor did I want to make any threats fearing that he’d leave me. I finished the letter and left it where he could get it, the only response I got from him was that he’d read it. I was both devastated and angry. This is when he saw just how angry I was, I went into a rage saying things that I knew would “hit below the belt”, he showed no emotions at all, as a matter of fact, he got into his car and left (it was the day that he’d gotten paid). I didn’t see him for four days, and when he walked in he looked horrible. I didn’t say anything this time, I wanted him to wonder what was on my mind, but he went to bed and slept “peacefully”, I was furious”. This was when I knew that I had to think of ways to get money in order for me to make sure that we had a place to live and food to eat. This was the beginning of my struggle to understand this dreadful disease and how it would soon destroy my trust, my self-esteem and most of all, my peace of mind.

Patricia W., Texas   (This is part one of a three-part article from Patricia.  Be sure to read all three.)

 

         CASINO LOGOS

I went around my house a couple years ago and gathered every umbrella, cup, jacket, shirt, hat, potholder (yes, potholder), bathrobe, ice scraper, lighter, etc., that had a casino logo on it and looked at what I had got for my almost $400,000 (I also assigned price tags...it's amazing how unattractive that $30,000 bathrobe was). Next I put all the IRS notices, bank statements with casino checks, withdrawals and all the bank fees involved hi-lited and all the canceled checks next to it. I left it there on the dinning room table for weeks. I cried one evening so hard that the next day when I awoke my eyes were swollen shut.

 I finally took all of those items and donated them to the Salvation Army. I took all the paper work and burned it. I decided if I ever needed any documentation for the IRS or any other purpose, in this day and age of technology, it could be recovered.

I replaced the fantasy of gambling with my gambling reality. It was disgusting and painful but it was something that I had to do. To this day, if I stumble across anything with a casino logo on it...it goes straight to the trash. I think living in the past hampered my recovery so for me those things are unhealthy triggers.

Although I still have the urges, my thoughts regarding gambling are real and honest and not some illusion of winning big and living happily ever after.

Peace,
Terri

Gripped by Gambling.  

I have a new website   www.grippedbygambling.com  with information about my book.  The site contains an autobiography with some photos of special times in my life.  The book may be ordered from Amazon.com,  Borders.com, BarnesandNoble.com, BooksAMillion.com, etc. and directly from the publisher, Wheatmark.com/bookstore or call 1-888-934-0888 x3,  It may be ordered by the title, author or Isbn # 978-1-58736-770-0. Gifts Anon stores in Phoenix and Scottsdale are stocking  the book. Marilyn Lancelot , AZ    mslancelot@cox.net  

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